A
female
age
26-29,
*ayCharles
writes:Hello, I am a freshman at college in my third week and I broke up with my bf at the start. He loves me soo much but almost too much. He also now lives two hrs away. I need a real and tangible relationship, not just skype dates. But at the same time I don't even want a relationship. I want the freedom to roam and test the waters, but he thinks that means I won't be with anyone else and we'll get back together after this phase. To allay his fears we agreed (since we were each others firsts) to not have sex with anyone else without informing the other, to make sure we both understand that things have drastically changed. Now he's saying he doesn't want either of us to even cuddle or kiss another. Am I crazy or does that defeat the purpose of freedom? I already kissed a guy I met who is really cool, although we are just friends now. But I am a snuggly cuddly person and my now ex keeps making me feel guilty, like I am going to kill him. He doesn't get that I don't know what I want to do with my life, how can I chose to spend the rest of it with him? I care for him and always will, but I don't want to date him right now and I can't promise him that we'll get back together. Do I give him space or remain friends or what? I feel so terrible about the situation but I tried warning him before school that I'd want freedom and every time I tried to break up with him he'd cry and only say he wants to be with me. So I stayed until it got to the point where I moved in and basically had to declare my independence from him. I am at college, a place where I can actually be desired by guys other than the one guy who liked me in high school. Please, please, help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): You have no idea how similar our lives are..I had a guy in my life too..I was the one who proposed him..But after four years I realized that he was not the guy i thought he was..And i decided to move on..But he was too deeply involved...he loves me like crazy..i gave him hints that we cant be together..but he wasn't ready to accept it..HE always kept telling me that he wants me and nothing more in his life..But he was not what i wanted..So I finally told him one day that i don't want him..It was very hard for him..even for me..I care for him..but i dont love him..I want him to be happy always..and i promised him that i would talk to him like friends..and he agreed to that..but he always tries convincing me to just give our relation another try..and i reject him..i feel guilty..that i m hurting someone..but its my life..and i cant hurt myself just to satisfy somebody..So all that i want to say is that..help him cope up..be friends..but don't give him hopes that you might be together later in your life..tell him clearly..or else both of you would suffer later..
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2014):
 He is an ex. he has no say in what you do or who you do it with.
I agree that in the LONG run the kindest thing to do for him is to end it 100% and go no contact for a while if not forever.
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A
male
reader, macloverdoc  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 I love people who does everything for chasing dreams,his girl or her boy,getting the Phd,job whatever the people who doesn't give up! I think this is the most beautiful thing in this life ''being consistent'' you can trust him to be dad,you can trust him he'll protect you,he would do anything to do keep you and make you happy. But if you just don't want him it is ok. it will be really hard to take in for him for a while. and definitely exes should be respectful to the every decision you make after them. if you are not happy do what makes you happy...It is not like a being quitter. it is making decision and applying to your life! You could find cooler,smarter,nicer guys there is whole wide range of boys but what kind? hope life will be treating better and leading to better place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): I agree that if you no longer want him as your boyfriend, then he has NO say in what you do at all. It is your life, and your decisions, and if he finds that difficult to accept, the kindest thing to do may be to stop contacting him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 September 2014):
 Pretty much what Cindy said.
If he is your EX, he has NO say in what you do and with whom, YOU LET him try and dictate your life and it makes me wonder why. To keep him as a spare? In case your "adventure" with other guys doesn't work out? Because if that is the reason you keep in contact and make ridiculous little "pacts" you are being cruel. That is stringing him along.
You want to be single and carefree, then END it 100% with the "ex" - so you BOTH can move on and move forward.
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A
female
reader, Vianneeey  +, writes (18 September 2014):
Girl, you have no idea how lucky you are..
Think about this, after you test the water, what would you do?
What if you met a guy, told him you're not looking for a relationship but ended up falling for him anyway, and he ran away?
You have an amazing guy who love you dearly, and you want to trade it with bunch of one night stands?
At the end, decision is yours. If you decided to leave him, do it firmly. Don't look back, don't even worry how's he gonna handle it. Cut all contact, let him get over you. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.
But, once you're done "testing the water", don't crawl back to him. You broke his heart and if he's a man of pride, he will never take you back.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 I think you need to dump him. Clearly and unequivocably. Sure he will suffer and cry !- he is in love with you. But you can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs, so if you have decided that you want to be free , to test the waters , etc.etc. , then you need to be consistent. You need to rid yourself of any previous obligations and live your life the way you want - without the risk of acting deceiptful or disrespectful to anybody.
Of course not kissing other people is a stupid pact ; you want to be free precisely because you want to kiss lots of different guys, so it DOES defy the purpose.
But then, the level of physical intimacy you'd allow yourself ( yes to kisses, no to intercourse ) it's not even the point,- that's your business, you' ll see how it goes. You might even decide to only focus on yourself and your studies , and live completely dateless and sexless ( improbable. Just saying, to make my point ).
The point is, that either you are with somebody, or you are not. Either you are committed, or you are not. Either you are exclusive, or you are not. Keeping people in some sort of twilight zone, on the vague possibility that ONE DAY things may go back to how they were , serves no purpose and it's foolish and cruel and ultimately arrogant toward the other person, even if the other person accepts or,like in your case, INSISTS to be kept in a grey area.
Either in, or out. You have opted for out, and you have your own good reasons- so get some guts , and carry on your decision. I realize that you are not looking forward to breaking this guy's heart, but , some times you've got to be cruel to be kind, I don't think he'd be much happier if he suspects or finds out that you go around kissing and cuddling regardless of your pact , as it has already happened and surely it will happen again.
Plus, it takes two to make a pact. If you don't want to make a pact, don't. Be honest, don't keep dangling the carot of a future reunion under his nose. It's improbale, and anyway you have no idea what it will happen or what you will want in 4 years.
Oth, don't yield to the temptation to keep this poor guy conveniently waiting in the wings as your plan B,or C, or Z... in case during these 4 years you should not find anything better.
I know that the idea if having always someone loving and caring to fall back on eventually, may be seducing, but, come on, it's inhumane. You have decided for a jump in the unknown, so JUMP- you don't need his permission, his consent ,his approval . You need to mean what you say and say what you mean.
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