A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:well here is my situation. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 and 1/2 years and we are very happy together. We have been living together for a little over a year now. He's got a 4 year degree and I'm just about done with mine. The thing is, I'm now ready to get engaged. And he doesn't want to at this time. which I understand because it's a bit of money for a ring and he wants to make sure to support me. Which I tell him that it is a team effort and that I'm not asking him to marry me right now but to just at least start planning and such and I just want the title to know that it really is going to happen in the future. Don't think for a minute that saying this means that I'm not confidant in our relationship. I'm just ready for the next level and it may make us stronger in our relationship. And I just want to be engaged because I love him. Well, there is also the issue that he's going back to school for another 4 years to now get a medical degree which has to go to a school that is not in our state we have both lived our entire lives in. So my career path is going differently but I said I would move up there with him if things don't go well in the next 2 years. And the thing is I have an age problem.. I want to be married before I'm 30. for me, I'm sorry but I think that's old age when it comes to getting married. The reason for this is because I would like to try not to have kids right away after marriage, plus the older i get the more complicated it could be to have kids. Also, I'm worried that I may be one of the woemn who either can't have kids or has problems. So I'd just like to have be married before 30 and start having kids around 30. But the way he talks he dosn't want to be officially married until he's out of college which will be when we're 30. Soo. I'm looking for advice. I tried talking to him but he just doesnt seem interested in committing right now and I'm just not a patient person either but I just was wondering what i should do or if there's a way I could have him understand me even though I have talked to him about it. I just want to be engaged while he's in college and before we're 30 and I want to be engaged within the next year or so.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Don't worry - it med school so many people get married and engaged just so they can squeeze in having a baby inbetween med school and residency. He'll see many classmates marrying in second and third year. It'll make him think. Just be patient - focus on your own career and ambitions. He'll be around some pretty amazing girls in med school, you'll have to trump them all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): To be patient, but for how long? Plenty cases when people live together for few years, and then go their separate ways. I think you are right to think that he needs to put a ring on your finger. It doesn't guarantee anything but I think this little he can do if you want it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): OP why not just wear a promise ring? Would that be a good enough compromise for you?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2012):
 I think that long engagements are a crock to be honest.
if you are together and you are happy then there is no need to be engaged long term... you get engaged when you are ready to start planning the wedding...
so if you are 5 years out from marriage you have about 4 years before engagement is needed.
why is the "engagement" so important... you do know they are just as easily broken as just "going steady"
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): Okay first off this "it may make us stronger in our relationship." is completely wrong and misguided. That's not a reason to get engaged OP, your relationship already has to be rock solid if you're going to commit to marriage like that. It will not make you more confident in a relationship at all.
OP he does understand you, he understands you perfectly well he just doesn't agree with you and doesn't want to get engaged now and nothing you do will change his mind. He's right too OP, your reasons for this are all wrong.
OP it actually sounds to me like he wants the same things you do in life. Kids and marriage by the time he's 30, the only thing you disagree on is getting engaged now, but what's the point? What difference is getting engaged now or in a few years going to do? He's already fully committed to you. Do you think being engaged will 100% guarantee you'll be married with kids before you're 30? It won't OP, it won't do anything of the sort.
You don't give any good reasons for why you want to be engaged at all OP. I don't see any good reason. It sounds to me like you're feeling insecure and want guarantees but there are no guarantees in life OP, 4-5 years is a long time and being engaged is not going to keep you together in any kind of greater way.
OP if being engaged is important to you then you'll have to move on, I think it's unfair of you to try and impose this on him and convince him it's right. He's going into medical school, he's literally going to be broke all the time.
I have a feeling you're scared that he'll drift away because you're going your separate ways, well OP a ring on your finger is not going to change that if it's going to happen.
Either let this idea go or let this relationship go, if you don't feel it's strong enough to survive without a ring on your finger then it's not strong enough to survive with one either.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 It's another 5 years until you are 30, right?
Lets look at your options. Dump your boyfriend and leave this great and loving relationship (your words), to find someone else who will marry you before 30 (who you'll have known for about 2 years prior to getting married, looking at the time schedule).
Or, stay with your boyfriend in this good and happy relationship, and be patient. It's still 5 more years. Yes, you'd like to get married before 30, but if you get married at 30-31 then it will NOT be a huge difference from being married at 28-29, not when it comes to your biological clock anyway. It's not like your uterus cares if you are 29 or 31, and then screams "oh no, we JUST crossed the 30 year mark, sorry, no can do, we're closed". Your body isn't a shop that has a definite closing time. So, don't worry too much about THAT.
What I think you worry about the most, because I am in the same situation, is the social pressure. That we're somehow losers if we aren't married with kids by 30, and EVERYONE has something to say about it, don't they? I've got my mom nagging at me about the age, about how when she was my age she already had two kids, and that I can't wait for ever, that I need to reproduce reproduce reproduce. Never mind finding a good father for my future children, noooo, the clock is ticking and it's driving me insane. And everyone keeps asking, you know? Strangers too, not just family members. The only ones who can give me a break are my friends who are the same age as me, and who don't have childen yet either. They get it, because they feel the same pressure.
But, really, should we hurry up and have children just because we're feeling pressured into doing it? If you have problems conceiving by the age of 31 you have problems conceiving at the age of 28 too. My aunt is a mid wife and I asked all the midwifes what they think about it, one time when I was visiting during lunch hours. Everyone said, the best time to have children, when your body is ready for it, is actually between 25-35. And even so, lets think ahead. Right now we worry about the time to get pregnant, and difficulties with getting pergnant etc. But what about the next step, which is taking care of the child once it is born?
I say, your future children will be much happer and better off if you WAIT and then get married to the man you love and who you have a great relationship with, so they can have a mother and a father in their lives who cares about them (which is your boyfriends primary concern, he wants to be able to support you and any future children). The children will not care what age you are. But they will care about their mother and father being happy together. A child with older parents, who are happy, has a much better upbringing than a child with young parents, who can't support them, or who are divorced, or who argue all the time and just had children because they felt social pressure.
Prioritize. What is most important here? A good life for yourself and your future childen, or to reproduce as quickly as you can?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 I can see his point . What's the point of an official engagement, ring and all,... that lasts 5 years or so ? Well, not that it's forbidden to stay engaged even 10 years if so you wish, but engements means " I mean business,so I am announcing to the whole community that I am getting married SOON ". So people generally get engaged when they have most of their ducks in a row, career, house,money, plans well in motion etc.
I may be wrong, but I think you aren't 100% sure of his feelings, or yours, and you don't totally trust that wedding bells WILL ring eventually. Maybe you feel that in 4 or 5 years time things could still go in a different direction, and having the ring is like your talisman against unforeseen developments.
Anyway... your plan is a good plan -for YOU, not for him.
If you have already stated your case and he's not buying it... there's not much you can do. After all, it's purely a matter of opinions. You think that 30 is old age for getting married - and he, like millions of other people, does not share this view.
You can't force him to want what you want, and anyway people should be enthusiastic , exctatic about getting married, not simply condescending to not rock the boat or appease the partner. It's something that BOTH should want strongly, it's not a matter of winning over to your cause someone who 's lukewarm about it.
Therefore I think that , if you want to marry this specific guy, alas, you'll have to curb your impatience. If you just care about getting married, as in " acquiring the status of married woman ", period,... then it's all another story....
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 He does understand you and what you want...he just doesn't want the same right now and although your reasoning is a perfect plan for you, it isn't perfect for him.
His dream is to go to medical school and that is going to take 100% focus and commitment. It appears he is happy with you and the way things are now, but he knows change is coming, money and time will be short and so your 'perfect' plan is a low priority.
You are not wrong for wanting what you want, but the thing with marriage and kids means you have to have the agreement of both partners...marriage isn't something you can persuede someone into...they have to want to do it and right now your boyfriend doesn't want to get married.
If you feel so strongly about making these life goals happen by the time you are 30, then you could maybe try to meet someone who has the same idea.
Love is not a set path, it's something you work at and often it has it's own plans and therein lies the triumph or tragegy...mostly you cannot control it and mould it, especially if your plans are one sided.
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