A
female
age
,
*iskwa
writes:A multifaceted dilemma:I am a very liberal, environmentalist, highly educated middle aged woman in an area where none of these things are valued. I will not be able to leave this area for nine more years when I will retire. Due to our location in the mountains, driving "downhill" to a population center such as Denver is extremely hazardous and I am not into the ski resorts due to my strong enviro values. I state this to give folks an idea of where i am coming from.Two years ago, a co-worker statrted to behave as though he were interested in me; I at first ignored this as such an attachment is not a good idea. However, I eventually grew to care for and respect this man. Within a one week period, I found out that he has been on an on-line dating site and caught him sharing his hotel room with a former colleague of ours at a conference we had attended together. this happened the same day that he invited me to a museum touring in Denver with him. until this point he had often mentioned being alone, complained about the local dating pool, etc.Needless to say, I was totally taken by surprise. I left very hurt but with dignity intact. this has ruined a lot of my summer though I kept extremely busy. I saw him at another meeting and he asked me why I was so upset at the conference (!) I told him this was not an appropriate place to discuss this and later sent him a long letter detailing exactly how I saw the whole awful situation. He wants to talk to me about it; I think all that needed to be said was stated in my letter and further discussion is just gonna put more salt into an already nasty wound. I work with this guy though we are in different departments. it still hurts and I have no family, zero support network, and cannot leave. what to do, eh?
View related questions:
co-worker, I work with, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mis understood +, writes (27 August 2011):
Yes unfortunately that is what most men do to see who is the best suitor for them and you are free to do the same. If he likes you then you will win his heart, however, if you don't like the way he is going about it, you're free to walk away and find some one who does go about finding a mate a different way. But don't be angry with him because that is his style. Always focus on you and what suits you.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 LOL hahahaha - Yes - smartphones are a pain sometimes!
Yes - that clears things up a bit. Frankly, a lot of people are on dating sites and that wouldn't be a concern to me but coupled with everything else? I can see why you are upset.
When you like someone enough to share a room with them, and then you ask another person out the same day? That kind of overlap - complaining about the dating pool+asking you out while someone else is in his room+being on the online site when he is lodging with someone AND asking another woman out as well? Playing the field is one thing, juggling women and toying with their feelings (as love girl said) the way he is doing is pretty callous.
This kind of obvious lack of empathy for the woman he gets involved with screams run in the other direction to me. You seem like a pretty savvy woman to me; I think you handled this with perfect poise and self respect. I would not give this smooth talker the wiggle room to try to talk his way out of this. He's not the guy for you.
But I would try the online dating sites for someone better! :^D
...............................
A
female
reader, miskwa +, writes (25 August 2011):
miskwa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous#2
I live in Leadville, hence the issues with driving "down the hill" as well as a lack of potential for a healthy relationship. Thanks all of you for your advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): You wouldn't happen to be in Colorado Springs, would you? (I'm in Boulder, which is very liberal and environmentalist but drive an hour and half south to CO Springs and it's the total opposite)
why not talk with him since he wants to talk with you? sounds like he was searching for someone to be in a relationship with and just casting a wide open net and maybe now that he knows how you feel due to your letter he's considering you as a serious prospect. so if you're interested in him, then why not at least talk with him? What's the harm in just talking??
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): If i understand u correctly:
This guy showed interest in you. U started recipricating. Then u find out he is chatting up other women and also doing the dirty with another .
He hurt you. It doesnt matter whether u were in a relationship with him or not. He hurt u . Badly. He toyed with your feelings.I am glad u wrote him the letter.
Dont talk to him about it. He only wants to make himself feel better. And show that he is not this big bad ass. This guy was insensitive to your feelings and glad u told him in your letter.
I think your letter was closure. Dont discuss anything with him. Let it be.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, miskwa +, writes (25 August 2011):
miskwa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBirdynumnums:
I was replying to your answer and this blasted smart phone often substitutes words when you have typos. He gave his room key to and shared his room with an ex colleague who is female. She has been gone for four years; that's one of the reasons why it was so shocking, especially since he was inviting me out and was being super flirty and attentive one hour previous. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
...............................
A
female
reader, miskwa +, writes (25 August 2011):
miskwa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmis understood:
yeah, you are right. He does have the right to do what he wants. However, should anyone be on-line at a dating site, be apparently sleeping with one woman, and be sending" I am lonely and interested in you" messages for two years to another woman?! No, I did not sleep with him because I simply do not do that till I am sure I am part of a couple. The title of this was stuck on by the folks in charge of this site and in no way reflects what I wrote. However thanks for the advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (25 August 2011):
That clears it up - not at all. What is Birdshe? Is she a female ex-colleague or a male ex-colleague?
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (25 August 2011):
I don't get it. Was the other colleague sharing his room female?
...............................
A
female
reader, mis understood +, writes (25 August 2011):
You should talk to him and lighten up. It didn't sound in your letter like you were intimate or exclusive so he is free to see whomever he pleases. He is probably trying to see which one he prefers better. He could simply ignore you and think you're going to be to hard to deal with but he didn't. He is willing to talk about it and probably give his side of the situation. I think if a person wants to talk then you should at least listen to what they have to say and not assume you already know. Best wishes
...............................
|
