A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to keep it short. In June 07 I met a girl at a party and ending up sleeping with her that night. Both of us were sober. For the rest of the summer we hooked up here and there - f buddies. About a month after we first met my good friend told me he slept with her twice. Then in August another good friend slept with her once while I was gone for 2 weeks visiting family. She was the only girl I slept with that summer.After I found out about this, I slept with a couple of random girls in the fall, but was still seeing her. In December I asked her to be my girlfriend for various reasons (mainly that I liked her, and we had been sleeping with each other since June).Now it's almost 2 years since we first started officially dating. Frequently I'll think about her sleeping with my good friends (whom I'm still good friends with. If I'm hanging out with my buddies, odds are one of them is there) and it hurts me. Also, about once every 2 or 3 months I get so mad about it we end up having a tiff about it.Each time I bring it up, it's because I've felt worse than the time before "when i couldn't take it anymore".A month ago I finally tried to break up with her, but that didn't work out.I love her, she loves me, but I can't forget about her sleeping with my friends two years ago. Technically she didn't cheat on me with some of my best friends, but two years later my gut and heart FEEL like she cheated on me.Communication isn't a big problem, because during the rare fights we talk about everything.I'll admit that blame for the whole situation from June 07 till now rests on both us, but I rationally think that I will never forget her history.Believe me, it is very different than dating a girl who you know has a history, but you do not know any of the men, much less friends with them.Because these guys are my friends, the memory is much more visceral, and cuts deeply. Even if they are not part of my life 10 years from now, I will still have a strong memory of them because I have spent much time with them.The way my memory works I'm 90% sure I'll never forget about it. Also, each time I reach a breaking point, it is worse than the last time, and wrecks my life for the week (as of the last breaking point)So I don't know what to do. I absolutely 100% refuse to live my entire life agonizing over my girlfriend/wife sleeping with my friends.Logically, this does not seem like a strong foundation for marriage, and now that we have been dating for 2 years, it is moving towards that.I certainly don't want to date her for another 3 years, or be married 5 years down the road and then break down and leave her.On the other hand, if she hadn't slept with my friends, I would already been engaged.To summarize, I think and feel that she would be a great girl to spend the rest of the life with, except that because she slept with 2 of my best friends, which causes great pain and paralyzes my mental health and daily routine when I think about it, I have no idea what to do.Ethically, I believe that if you are officially in a relationship slowly progressing towards marriage, and realize it will not work out in the long run, it is best to end the relationship as soon as you realize this.Thoughts?
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female
reader, bitch +, writes (13 November 2009):
Look, it is like this.... You have to let it go. It is something she did in the past, and it is DONE. If she was still doing this, it would be a problem but she isn't. If she is faithful to you, then why bring up the past? It has nothing to do with your relationship right now. You have no right to judge her for things she did when you weren't a "couple".
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): If you think you can get over it in the future, then surf this website a little. Read all the posts from guys who are still every bit as messed up about something in their woman's past as they were 25 years ago. They always say, "I knew about it back then, but I just thought I could get over it eventually . . . "
Guess what? They NEVER DO.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (11 November 2009):
I am also in a similar situation. I haven't slept with the girl I love yet and I won't untill I am completley sure it is because she loves me as well. I was in love with her before she met a guy who had a gf and proceeded to just use her for sex. I fought for her and still fight for her. she kept going back to this guy trying to get him to care more about her. I literally watched this happen from the beginning. she is my best friend and I still love her and want to be with her. I have told her that if she ever thinks she can let go of the other guy and really wants to be with me that at that point I am willing to treat that as just a thing of the past. I would do the same if I were you my friend
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (11 November 2009):
I am also in a similar situation. I haven't slept with the girl I love yet and I won't untill I am completley sure it is because she loves me as well. I was in love with her before she met a guy who had a gf and proceeded to just use her for sex. I fought for her and still fight for her. she kept going back to this guy trying to get him to care more about her. I literally watched this happen from the beginning. she is my best friend and I still love her and want to be with her. I have told her that if she ever thinks she can let go of the other guy and really wants to be with me that at that point I am willing to treat that as just a thing of the past. I would do the same if I were you my friend
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Wow. Great question and some intelligent thinking, and I can understand your dilemma. At your age, however, these considerations are much more important than they may be later in life.
Let me offer one simple example. This year I turned 62-years-old, and since I'm divorced (single), the available women to me are usually in my approximate age bracket and somewhat more limited than previously. Should I care with whom or in what ways a woman previously had sexual relations? Well, if she is the best choice available to me today, and perhaps for the future, then the answer is simple: her past is none of my concern, only the future.
But significantly, I would usually not have met or known those men, unless children were involved. In that case, prior men are typically still around, but I'm in her sack today.
In your case, and at your age, I can understand that your girlfriend's past with your friends, presumably with whom you will also continue relationships, may continue to eat at you. Nevertheless, I've also known men who have befriended their wife's previous husbands or lovers . . . or at least tolerated them. It's a new world, perhaps with a future that requires ultimate adaptation. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 This comes up here very often, usually daily, so know that you're not unusual in having issues with this. Some specific feedback:
"The way my memory works I'm 90% sure I'll never forget about it. Also, each time I reach a breaking point, it is worse than the last time, and wrecks my life for the week (as of the last breaking point)"
You can be 100% sure that you'll never forget about it. Your aim can't be to 'forget' about it, because that's impossible. Likewise, your aim can't be to not find it a bad thing, because, well, if you love her you're always going to find the idea of other guys having sex with her a bad thing. That's never going to change.
Instead you need a different aim.
"So I don't know what to do. I absolutely 100% refuse to live my entire life agonizing over my girlfriend/wife sleeping with my friends."
This is good that you realise it. And in it is the key to what you should be aiming for.
Namely, you should be aiming to stop agonizing over this.
Almost all men in your situation think that by thinking about this, they can get over it. But in reality, thinking over it is agonizing over it. Hence thinking about it is precisely the thing that you are trying to stop doing. You are trying to stop thinking about it by .... thinking about it. The typical male approach (ie 'solve it') doesn't work, in fact it makes it worse. Which is partly why this condition is so nasty.
Many people make the mistake of thinking that the thought of something, the associated emotions we have with that thought, and our reactions after that, are all one thing. They are not. It works like this:
1 - Something triggers you to think about your girlfriends' ex(es)
2 - That thinking triggers negative emotions: jealousy, anger, resentment, disgust, etc
3 - You react to these emotions by trying to rationalize them... you think about them and in turn trigger more negative emotions. You end up in a downward spiral .... thought emotion thought emotion. This is why it gets worse each time, you're going down a hole further and further.
Once you understand this is what is going on, you can prevent this. But realize you can only prevent step 3. Steps 1 and 2 are inevitable. You will always have these triggers, and they'll always suck. But, you don't have to go into the downward spiral because of them.
Instead, when they hit you, don't rationalize the feelings. Just feel them, full force, but don't try to think your way out of them, or figure out 'why', or 'figure out' anything at all. Stop trying to 'solve' this. Every thought you have will just be agonizing. So stop agonizing, stop thinking.
The good news is, if you can do this, then over time the triggers and negative emotions get much easier to handle. Eventually they become minor irritations and nothing more. Compared to how they are now, it will be next to nothing. But it takes time and effort.
"Logically, this does not seem like a strong foundation for marriage, and now that we have been dating for 2 years, it is moving towards that....To summarize, I think and feel that she would be a great girl to spend the rest of the life with, except that because she slept with 2 of my best friends, which causes great pain and paralyzes my mental health and daily routine when I think about it, I have no idea what to do."
Again your escape is in your own words... 'causes great pain an paralyzes me when i think about it'. So... stop thinking about it!
I believe you have a good foundation for a marriage. Why? Because you're in love with her. Only a man who is in love experiences what you are feeling strongly. Because, if you're not in love, you don't care. In fact, the more in love you are, the worse these feelings are. You hurt because you are in love.
"Ethically, I believe that if you are officially in a relationship slowly progressing towards marriage, and realize it will not work out in the long run, it is best to end the relationship as soon as you realize this."
Don't bring ethics into this. It's a slippery slope and leads to all sorts of ethical 'judgements' that are usually nonsense. This is not an ethical issue. Stay away (trust me on this one, I have not only been in your situation, but i have a degree in ethical philosophy).
Here are some links to other threads on this you may find useful:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
Also check my post history for many more. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (11 November 2009):
I didn't even read the entire post b4 forming my opinion. keep in mind this past of hers that you don't like?...................surprise your part of it. you said you were her f buddy. just becuz she was ur only that summer isn't important. you can't really hold her past against since u are part of that past. if you want more with her your just gonna have to up and get over it and not hold it against her.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 November 2009):
Hmmm well, I think some of this you just can't really get passed, since she had slept with some of your friends.
But just some food for thought, you want to marry a person based on who they are and how they make you feel. Obviously you're content with that aspect of her, but does the fact that she slept with some of your friends put a different perspective on what kind of person you actually think she is?
I know where you're coming from, if my boyfriend had slept with some of my girlfriends, it might leave me wondering if maybe he secretly desired them still, am I a reason for him to still be close to them, if he screwed them once then will he screw them again? I'm sure those thoughts go through your mind as well. Maybe you do care enough for her to want to marry her, but on the other hand perhaps you subconsciously categorized her as the girl that is the "non-marrying type."
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