A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a a recent college graduate while my girlfriend is still in school. She is currently spending the next 4 months studying abroad. We've been together for two years and this is the first time we've ever been apart like this. Its been 5 weeks since shes left. For the first two weeks, i did not give her the space she needed. i was constantly texting her and wondering what she was doing. She told me to back off, I did, and for a while things were fine again. But now she is different, and when we talk, i can hear it in her voice. Something is bothering her. She says how she feels that she doesnt know who she is and that she needs to become more independent. I know that she still loves me, but I am terrified that I am losing her. Is the end inevitable? What can I do to get her to stop thinking this? I go to bed every night wondering if she is going to ask to end things the next day. I don't know what to do.
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male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Studying abroad can be a weird situation for someone to go through.
I studied abroad for the summer (in London, Northern Coast of France, Scotland, and Prague) a few years ago, and I can attest to the many feelings that can go through one's head.
At this point, she is probably seeing and experiencing things she has never been exposed to before. And this is not a bad thing. She is probably considering possibilities she has never known were out there. It can be an overwhelming experience for sure. There will be a part of her that sees this experience as the beginning to a new way of living. Maybe she wants to come back to a certain country. Maybe she has discovered some new possible work opportunities that are much more exotic than anything back at home.
I guarantee you that there is a part of her that sees things back home as stale and stifling. Seeing other parts of the world inevitably causes this. It is not a reflection on you or the quality (or lack thereof) of the relationship in any way. In fact, I promise you would be going through many of the same feelings were you in her shoes.
But along with this feeling of infinite possibilities there is also the realization that things are the same no matter where you are in the world. You are still the same person. So if you are miserable and unhappy here, you will be the same there. If you are a spontaneous and ambitious person here, you will be the same there. And sure, there may be more opportunity or excitement somewhere else.
What is important for you right now is to understand what she is going through. If you are important to her, and have treated her well, then it will matter. She will not forget that. But give her space to go through this, and to consider all that she is experiencing.
During my time studying abroad, I was with a group of around 150 students. Some were couples prior to making the trip, some became couples while they were over there, and some met people over there and became close or even began a relationship.
A lot of this is what I like to call the "Summer Camp Effect". Do you remember going to church camp, or any similar experience that involved like-minded people, going somewhere together for an extended period of time (over a week or two at least)? You even see it on so many reality TV shows. People thrown together in some exotic new location, so many new experiences and possibilities. And before you know it people are getting swept up in the moment.
But they always return to reality. It is easy to not appreciate a relationship, or be confused, or even start a whirlwind romance with someone you have only known a few days, when you don't have to deal with work, paying the light bill, or getting rid of a roach problem. There are virtually no money issues because you have set aside money to spend on anything you like. And you can be whoever you want to be, as can anyone else.
That is not reality. My younger brother and his girlfriend (now ex) were in a very tumultuous relationship for about two years. They just could never get to a peaceful place. Then, they went on a road trip together to California, where she was from. During that two weeks, my brother called me constantly to tell me about how wonderful things were. How well they were getting along. How they had not argued once.
But as soon as they returned, it went back to hell.
So why had it gone so well during the road trip? Well, because they didn't have to worry about money. They went to nice restaurants and ordered steak. They got a nice bottle of wine and ran down to the beach at midnight. They didn't have to worry about getting up for work, or choosing to order pizza because they couldn't afford steak.
And they were distracted.
But that is not reality.
Now, I know that I have gotten way off track, but there is a reason. I am certainly not suggesting she has found someone else or doesn't want to be with you, either.
But, I am trying to convey to you how different she feels about EVERYTHING right now. She is in a new place, with new and fun things to do everywhere she turns. And in comparison life back at home probably is not too exciting to think about.
But if she were there in some foreign country, working, trying to get by and not having dozens of like-minded friends to spend time with, things would not feel the same.
And pressuring her for more attention simply will backfire on you. She will almost surely not see the value of life back at home, including the relationship, while she is smack dab in the middle of all these thoughts flooding her mind every moment of the day.
I felt so small in the grand scheme of things while I was studying abroad. I wanted to do so much more, see so many new places, and learn so many things I simply couldn't learn back home in the States.
And she revealed this in her comments about wanting to be independent and know who she is.
The best thing you can do is sit down, with a pen and paper, and write down what you can and cannot change about your current situation. From here, you cannot make her be realistic about her life, or the relationship, or even living back at home. You can't convince her that she loves you. Or convince her that life back at home is just as exciting.
You can continue to be a supportive and loving BF. And, if you truly love her, you will want her to be happy. And you will want her to experience amazing and exciting things. You can't (and shouldn't) distract her from what she is going through to keep her from changing how she feels about you.
As hard as it will be for you, you need to make a plan and stick to it. Don't show her that you are weak, even if you feel that way. Being confident in yourself and what you have to offer someone else will be the most convincing way you can possibly show her that she was right when she chose you.
Let her have these experiences without any tension or resentment. Even if it seems to you like she has moved on or doesn't take the relationship seriously anymore, you have to know that she is in a very confusing and emotional place. She is not dealing with reality. There are a thousand exciting things for her to do with every spare moment.
Once you have settled down a little, tell her that you love her, and hope she is having the time of her life, and that you will be here for her. Don't tell her you will be waiting for her, that would just come across as negative in her state of mind.
And let her go. Let her reach the point that she wants to share her experiences with you. Let her know you are busy (and actually be busy), and not just at home pining away. Such things will make her feel even more pressure about returning home.
She should know that it is okay for her to feel overwhelmed, to feel confused, and to be having the time of her life at the same time. It was one of the best periods of my life.
She will probably not end things over the phone after two years. But even if she did, you have to keep perspective. She will return home. She will take into account the relationship, and she will become more realistic about things. Don't overreact, instead try to really understand some of what she is going through.
Hope for the best!
A
female
reader, Calitex56 +, writes (15 February 2011):
Firstly, sorry to hear that youre having to worry about that. It's tough when your other half is so far away that it seems as though there's nothing you can do to fix things. You don't want to make her feel smothered, of course, but maybe try to remind her of why you're together in the first place. You can put something cute together like older pictures of the two of you, or love notes you used to write back and forth etc. Be creative with it. Being a Gemini, and a girl who is somewhat impressionable by others, I often times camouflage into the rest of the my surroundings, as in the saying "when in Rome". Now that doesnt mean im doing anything bad or wrong when i say that, its almost like a different attitude i take on. I never TRY to act or speak differently, in fact I don't even realize that I am sometimes, but my husband will ask why I'm acting so weird and it freaks him out. Your girlie is most likely afraid of taking that leap of being away from you and her home, is still finding her own identity without your helping to guide her everyday, as my hubby does for me ;) It seems as though she just wants to be able to stand on her own two feet if need be. My advice would be to not swim against the current to try to change her... Voice your issues, tell her what's bothering you, but be supportive of her at the same time. Allow her time to tell you how she feels and to talk about her daily adventures, and tell her how proud that you are of her for doing so great in her studies etc. Also, remember to try not to over think. Trust me, it's hard, but really try to make your mind stay focused elsewhere or it'll drive you nuts. I feel for ya, try to make the best of it while shes away. Use the time to work on you and what you can do better as an individual, and try to keep your self esteem up. Do things that'll make you feel good about you, so when she gets back shell come home to a strong, yet still sensitive guy :) good luck!!!
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A
male
reader, nononsense +, writes (15 February 2011):
She doesn't want you anymore brother. Get there first and dump her before she dumps you then don't waste your time explaining. Invest in yourself. Become successful. Believe me, you are young and the world is full of countless beautiful women to worry about one who is too far away. I know its hard to accept, but you will be glad later.
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