A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello, asking for opinions please - I am forty three and have started a fantastic relationship with someone that I am really falling for and who seems to feel the same. A few things are holding me back though due to very bad relationship experiences and some things about myself. One of which is that I am currently officially unemployed. I am just about to complete a PhD but this will definitely not guarantee me a job in the area that both he and I specialise in as it is a minefield of competitiveness. If I had my current CV and was 33 not 43 I'd be over the moon, but I had to take unrelated jobs for over a decade in order to bring up my daughter alone. Although I always studied in my area at the same time as working, I could not do all the networking when I was younger and which helps people to pick up opportunities. It is almost impossible to explain this at interview because they simply want to see evidence of achievement before anything else, and my previous work experience doesn't count. I do have some work experience in the field that I want to work in, all gained whilst studying for my PhD. I am really highly respected by colleagues who always assume I have much more working experience than I have, maybe because I am older.I absolutely hate being unemployed and am doing everything that I possibly can to try to help me to get a job in this area that I love. I know it sounds stuck-up maybe, but in the past I have spent years doing jobs that I hated, but did well in order to bring up my daughter alone (I had no support at all from my ex husband or my family) and this finally made me so stressed that I burned out. All told, by the time I had gotten up and taken her to a chilminder, trailed across the city to do a very stressful job, come back and then taken her out to Brownies or drama or guitar lessons I was absolutely stoney broke and exhausted. I was not eligible for council housing because I was working and this made life very, very hard because I had to pay private landlords. I have to be very careful with my health now and cannot just take on any job as I have done in the past.Behind the scenes I am doing a huge amount of work - writing two books in my field whilst finishing my PhD and taking on any opportunity that will help me to get work in this area - exhibitions, conferences, networking and so on. My new partner knows exactly how hard I am working and really respects that. He says that my work is such high quality that it will eventually shine through and he recognises that I am not as strategic as many in our field and seems to love me because of that.I own my own home which has enough equity in it for me to buy something smaller if things get really bad, but I am really struggling so hard to pay the mortgage and to survive right now. I am worried that my new partner will regard me as a liability because I don't have a job and because I can't just take on any job due to the stress that it causes me, which now goes directly to my physical health. My partner is a very high achiever but I know that in the past he had a (possibly ) mental health issue that stopped him from sustaining a really top role in our field - he is still very highly respected though and works hard too. The difference is that he comes from an extremely high class background - I mean extremely high - whereas I have struggled all my life to make ends meet. I don't think he himself is wealthy as such but he could be in future. He has a child and was recently divorced - his wife seems to have claimed their house and so on. That said, he has obviously never had to really worry about money.Can people please advise me as to whether my lack of job will cause a problem and how I should approach talking about this? So far, I have been very positive, on the surface at least, about my future but I do sometimes inwardly despair about my age and how difficult it is to secure a permanent position in my field - jobs are like "gold dust" and my strategy is to do something that cannot be ignored - like publishing the books - so that this boosts my C.V. to make it outstanding - I find it hard to keep my self esteem high enough to believe in myself though and even harder to give myself permission to try to do what I love instead of enduring what I hate and am ill-suited for - any comments most welcome. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): Dear no nonsense Aidan
Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate the time that it has taken you to answer. Your comments and advice are very reassuring and, in combination with the response from CindyCares, are convincing me that I am doing the best things right now: from what you say, it would make little sense for me to turn around to my new man and say "Guess what, I am giving all of this up to go and work in administration because I feel bad about not having a job". That would be incredibly counter-productive, especially having come this far 'down the line'. You are right to emphasise also that I need to trust him and what he says to me - I do, but I still get self-doubt from the past. Again, thanks so much for your help.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (15 September 2012):
The world of academia and research is a tricky world in which to operate, there’s a lot of insecurity involved in it because of its nature and the fact that it does, as you said, rely quite a bit on networks and contacts. It takes a long time and is a hard slog to get recognised in your field. If your partner works in the same field, he will understand and empathise with the pressures you face. You’ve been honest with him and he knows your circumstances, so he’s had his chance to cut and run but he hasn’t. Instead, he sees the work you’re putting in to your future, he knows how tough things have been for you, and he loves and respects you for it, so you’ve no need to worry. You’ve got a great guy there! Perhaps he isn’t under so much financial pressure but again, empathy is key: he’s smart enough to know how hard things are for you and the implications of your unemployment. Trust in his assurances and the complements he pays you.
It’s hard finding a job. If you can afford to invest time now to complete the PHD and write your books and build up your profile in your field, do it! Long term, that’s going to be better for you than doing absolutely anything just for the sake of having a job, which in the past has obviously been a necessity for you with a child to raise on your own. Not jeopardising your health is of course essential. Perseverance is key: that golden opportunity might be a while off yet, if jobs are hard to come by in your field. It’s a hostile economic climate for the job seeker too, but just keep vigilant and looking out for opportunities that might come your way. If your lack of experience is a cause for surprise to others, it shows you’ve got all the right attributes that an employer will be looking for. Knowledge of your own strengths and how to make the most of them is your best tool. Keep going to those conferences, doing your networking and taking advantage of any opportunity that gets you exposure to others in your field, all these things are going to ensure that when something comes up, you’re right up there as a frontrunner for that great job. It’s easy to get bogged down and have your confidence knocked, but keeping up your activities in your area of interest and allowing others to see what you have to offer will help you maintain confidence in your skills and abilities.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): Dear CindyCaresThank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to think through and respond to my question. I really appreciate it and I think your advice is 'spot on'. The fear is definitely more number 1 than number 2, but it helped so much that you separated these out. And you are right, yes, deep down I do believe that I can succeed or I would not have started out on this path at all. I think you are right that it may not necessarily be about me earning a lot of money in future but about realising my full potential - this is what I care about and I think he is attuned to that. I laughed out loud with your references to upstairs downstairs - it is very appropriate, but fortunately the reality of it does not phase me at all.. I think, if anything, it is he that is slightly in awe of me due to the fact that I've worked for everything I've achieved, without anything being handed to me on a plate. Thanks so much again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 First of all, I'd advise you to relax, take it easy and don't put the cart before the horses. " I have started a relationship " sounds recent ; I'd wait in any case to see first if time confirms that the relationship is really as fantastic as it seems at the start, and anyway a new relationship does not thrive under the weight of too many expectations, fears, conditions and what ifs. You'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there, for now focus on getting to know this person and enjoying what you have with him.
Then, I am not sure I got exactly what's your main fear, I guess it's one of two different things :
1) You fear this relationship can't go further , " to the next level " , I.e. he will not want to marry you- live together - commit seriously or whatnot, until you will have a lucrative job in your field. Well, that's a possibility, and if he thinks along these lines he is not a mean, cheap skinflint, he is reasonable and sensible. I don't think it's about money, from what you say he could afford to help you or support you. But a brilliant, successful man would prefer an independent, driven, REALIZED woman at his side , that can be his equal at all levels. You are headed into that direction, that's what you have worked hard, and made sacrifices for, and that's the path you have chosen for yourself, and I really hope you are not going to deflect from it for this or any man. It may take longer than you'd like , but I don't think you'd had even started the trip if you did not feel and believe , deep down, that eventually you WILL get what you want and deserve. Focus on that , and if it has to take a few more years before the financial, social and psychological gap between you is closed ( in case that's even a problem for the guy, which we don't even know ) so be it. It's all about YOU as a whole, fulfilled person, not just as a girlfriend or wife !
2) or, you are just freaking out in general because he has a high class, affluent background and you don't . In simpler words, you don't feel good enough for him because he is rich and you are struggling .
To which, I say : you've got to be kidding, this is 2012 in a contemporary working environment, not some old episode of " Upstairs downstairs ". I hope it is just your paranoia, and it's not him that makes you somehow feel this way... because just in case, tell your Lord Emsworth of Blanding Castle " nobody 's perfect, pal, everybody 's got some sort of liability, and I figure that , what with your mental illness or mental breakdown or what not, and me being totally broke, on the dating market we are more or less worth the same ". Pardon my brutality, but , frankly, between a very high class partner with possible, "mental issues " and a healthy, solid, strong , emotionally balanced BUT unpecunious one ( like you sound ) most people would choose the second.
Now I do not presume to say that your bf is kookoo or anything, just that you should not think of him so lordly above your level- he's a human being with his flaws like anybody else.
So- hang in there ,believe in yourself, and keep going- you 'll reach your goal . As that fellow said " the only thing we should fear is fear itself ". Good luck !
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