A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in August. Instead of it being a joyous milestone, it was melancholy in nature from my point of view. We share a lot of love and joy or else we would have never made it this long, but our relationship has been rocky for a while now. There are a lot of reasons behind that: my wife's alcoholism and neuroses, long periods of unemployment and my exasperation with these things as well as my overall critical nature. The result of these 20 years worth of ups and downs is that I am overall unhappy with the relationship. I think often about what it would be like to end it and what life would be like for the two of us if that happened. I love my wife. She's the only woman I've ever really loved. However, I don't feel loved by her. I feel used, betrayed, and misunderstood. Definitely I feel taken advantage of. I am not perfect. I am critical and controlling, which are two traits many people cannot tolerate. I don't think I am really all that bad, but my wife is very sensitive to criticism (low self-esteem she hides with a lot of bluster) and the truth is that SHE likes to be in control and just cannot handle sharing control with me. For example, I pay for just about everything in our household but if I ever ask her to contribute for, say, a big ticket item I get the 3rd degree about if I will pay her back and when. She has a long memory, too, still talking about $2000 she paid for our property taxes a few years back when since then I spent twice that (her share) to take her to Europe. Giving up control, whether it is in the form of money or sex, is difficult for her and at the same time I have a similar (but I think more generous) personality and so we always clash.So, yes, I mentioned sex. We don't have any and I can't remember when we last did. She can't either. (I asked.) It has been that long. She says she wishes it wasn't that way, but she's not interested because her sexual attraction for me is gone. I wish I could say I felt the same way. Even though we are in our 40's, she is very beautiful and gets lot of compliments. Much younger men think she is close to their age. Do you know how difficult it is to be with a woman you lust over, a woman you love, and for her to want to be "just friends"? She sometimes gets mad when I bring up sex and tells me to go take a lover, but I think if I actually did it she would be hurt. I can't say I am a super attractive guy (physically), but I have things going for me. Back when the sex stopped I was much more fit and took better care of myself, but I pretty much stopped because it didn't matter anyway. I am not obese or anything, but I'm like a typical middle-aged guy with a receding hairline who has some love handles. Anyway, I don't really believe it's physical. I was a lot slimmer and better-looking at the time we stopped having sex and what did it matter? She's got gray hairs and a little belly now, too. So what? I am stuck in this horrific limbo where I don't really prefer a divorce but staying in the marriage is difficult. I love and am attracted to my wife, but she doesn't feel the same way and - even when she does - she has subtle ways of showing it. She won't even hug me unless I embrace her first, although she often complains if I don't hold her hand when we walk in public. This combination of mixed signals and low-grade romantic interest is maybe what a 20 year marriage is about, but I just don't feel like the couple of passionate lovers (and by that I mean more than just sex) that we were. I feel like I am a withered shell of that person and my wife is a cardboard cutout unable to express any real passion for me physically, verbally, or in writing. She says she is just not good at expressing herself. However when pressed on why she stays with me she says that we are soulmates destined to be together.Dear Aunts, what am I to do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim _ I would try with a letter and suggest couples counseling, however... you can't make you wife LOVE you or LUST for you. So this is something YOU have to decide if that is a deal breaker or not.
You honestly sounds like you are suffering from the "knight in shining armor" or "Martyr complex". I know you have been together for 20 years, but seriously... life is short. When are you going to live yours?
A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 I am sure you have flaws too, but you should try and get some counselling for each other if she thinks and says you are soulmates then surely she should be open to that idea?From losing her job and whatever else has been happening perhaps she has lost her libido it can happen, she sounds like she is quite depressed.Have you tried talking to her? Asking how she is feeling with her life at the moment? You clearly love her and money maybe sensitive to her because of unemployment maybe she fears if you don't pay back she'll come into more debt and have to rely on you and maybe that isn't what she wants from you.I am not justifying what she is doing is right i believe couples should take it in turns to pay for things fair is fair.But i definitely would suggest couples counselling for you both and maybe something for you both alone some time to talk to someone who you can get you to help understand the situation from your view and also hers.Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): Honestly, I think that the two of you need both individual and couples counseling. The thing is, you have admitted your faults and what you have TO do is work on that yourself. She can't fix that for you only you can. You say that she is also controlling TO some extent. She also abuses alcohol. She needs to work on being able TO rid herself of that problem.The tricky thing I see here is if two people who needs to work out individual issues. Once whatever the individual issues are worked out, then work on the marriage collectively. Sometimes you just have that. I suggest doing that only if you choose to stay. No one wanted a marriage that you feel that your are in a prison. From what I gather that's not what you want. I would suggest you tell your wife exactly what you have discussed here. Maybe there will be some type of breakthrough. Best wishes towards your future.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Your wife is a lucky woman. She gets a soulmate who pays for most everything in the household and also treats her to expensive trips abroad. There's people whose soulmates are broke and can't even pay for extra toppings on pizza.
As you can see, I am a bit suspicious about the soulmate stuff, but never mind.
Counseling is always a useful tool and if often is not enough to turn a bad situation around, it is still and excellent way to better self knowledge and mind clarity. So yes, counseling would help you somewhat anyway, but personally I don't think it can radically change the scenario. Which is sad and simple. You still love her, she does not love you. You still desire her , she does not desire you.
It happens- feelings too are subjected to wear and tear . Some could perhaps say that love which dies was not love to begin with - or we could decide that it all happened because of her alcohol addiction ( probable ) , or because of your critical, controlling tendencies. All this does not change the simple fact that what was there once is not there anymore, and that you have tried your best in the last years to bring it back to no avail. Some times we just have to face the facts and admit defeat.
It is not much a matter of what you " prefer " :no sex, no affection, no feelings ( at least on her side )- de facto, it is over- this is not a marriage anymore , this is two roomates that find cohabitation expedient for practical reasons, habit, convenience- and lack of imagination. ( Apparently you don't think you could change your mind and feelings, and / or meet another woman who would lust over your love handles ).
It's up to you, if you chose to stay in the marriage and make do with what you have ( not terribly much ) for the rest of your life. But ... keep in mind that it could be a very long ,long and lonely time .
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 September 2012):
 Edit the letter a little, remove the reference to Aunts at the bottom, address it to the universe or the tooth fairy or whoever, print it off and leave it on her pillow.
Then suggest counselling. Couples counselling. If she wont go, then go by yourself. Use the counselling sessions to decide if what you have now is good enough for the next 35 or 40 years, and if it isn't use the counselling sessions to determine some strategies to help you get the best out of the next 35 or 40 years of your life.
Good luck
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