A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:ok cutting a long story short as possible!!..the guy who i was chasing and then i decided to go no contact with..i recently heard from his 'friends' that he had met somebody else and that he was serious about her!!..(bearing in mind that he told me he wasnt ready for a relationship blah blah we were intimate on numerous occasions and i actually thought it might have gone somewhere, only to discover that he was a bit of a jack the lad, playa..or wotever you want to call it!!)anyways i would go months without seeing him at a time and just thought i cant do it anymore!!..the thing that bothers me is why his friends are telling me this now after all this time i have not spoke to him!..apparently they dont want me to get hurt!!..i let this one go...anyways the local pub i normally drink in i never went to this one night and he was there which he never goes there!!..then i heard rumours he had chatted up one of his friends daughters and wants to take her away for her birthday and pay for her if she brings her friends along!!!...im just really confused as to what is actually really going on here??..when me and him were together i thought he was a really genuine person..the feelings i had for him i felt he felt something too..the way he held my hand, kissed my forehead said things i trully believed was real and genuine!!..but he said he was just not ready for anything serious as his life needing sorting out and he was still at home with parents, twice divorced a commitment phobic..and estranged from his child..and i was not willing to just be a jump off..and having just came out of a relationship didnt really know what i wanted and was confused!!..any answers or words on this would be greatly appreciated..thanks x
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (9 January 2013):
 When he said he wasn't ready for a relationship what he was saying is he wasn't interested in having a relationship with you.
He's using the language women use all the time. He's letting you down gently.
Fact is you NEVER had a chance here.
Move on and find another man who wants to be with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjannipeg, some real good points there.. i was confused about the whole situation, I suppose being on the inside its harder to see what's really going on than being on the outside..with friends saying he's not a player, he's a genuine guy and some other friends saying he's not for me!..this is what caused the confusion as i didn't really know what he was really like!..and maybe you are right in the fact that i couldn't have what i wanted..but when i first met him my gut instinct was that i could not see myself in a relationship with him etc...nothing to do with him buying a house as i already have my own..but the way i took it from him was that he needed to sort his life out before he could make some sort of commitment..i actually took what he said as gospel i suppose, not in the fact that what he was really trying to do was 'let me down gently' as somebody said in my post earlier..all that you said about his son, money situation that is dead on..it all makes sense!!xx ..i know you cant build a relationship on just merely feelings alone and in a way I'm glad he distanced himself, as when there is feelings involved its hard..maybe i was the only one carrying feelings..so yes i can see where you are coming from..the start of something that was meant to go nowhere from the start..and when i found out he had met 'the one' and she is different he's really into her etc..my honest thought was ..he probably will not change!..giving up his habit of sleeping around with other women...and him still stalking other women on the facebook did persist..until he deleted his account jan 1st..In a way i am glad it is not me who's the one in a way...as i could never trust him..and i don't know who she is but she probably dont really know who he is..but eventually karma always comes along and bites you on the ass aye!!.. thanks so much for your responses..i can see clearly now..x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 January 2013):
 You know what you want, but it feels better to say you are confused than to feel that you can't get what you want. His financial situation means there is more than manning up to do. Just becoming more responsible means he will try harder making more money, see his child more. It doesn't mean he will be able to buy a house for you to move into.
He wants to spend money on a friend's daughter while having an estranged son? You should now know that he is all about talk and no action. A man without money will boast about wanting to spend money. A man who does not care about his children wants to give the impression that he does. A man who can't avoid a real relationship wants you to think that you can just live on feelings. No, a relationship has multiple demands. You will both starve if all you get is feelings, no matter how genuine they are.
When you hear he found someone else do you really think they are going to get married because she is a better woman than you? Hell no.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): That has happened to me, where they have said that then gone onto someone else. I think it's the easier way of dumping someone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responses guys, I wish I had come on here at the beginning!..yes oldbag, all the red flags were there..I suppose you could say all my friends seen them but maybe I just didnt want to..I had just came out of an 11yr relationship, I have never been really single in all my life..and maybe at 40 I should have known better and I can be a bit naive at times..thanks.Janniepeg, you did touch on something there as when I was told he was a playa he ran for the hills..would still text me sweet things and stuff and said eventually he would manup!..just wanted to know what you meant by build it up to run away from it?..and reasons why I went no contact was because I was so confused about his actions and what he was actually saying that I needed time for myself as it felt like he was sucking the life out of me...I have tried to move on like I said I had not contacted him for 2 months then he showed up in my local..I was not there that night!aunty bimbim... he did the chasing initially, I suppose after we got intimate then it seemed to be me doing the chasing (texts). I was always the one to initiate!..what I am saying is I am really trying hard to move on for him as I fell for him in a deep way..and I could not understand why his friends are coming back telling me about his personal life when I haven't seen or spoke to him in months..Yes, I will be non commital if they ask or say anything else..thanks..oh my how the dating world has changed so so much!..all mind games..thanks for your responses and taking time out to reply..its muchly appreciated x
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 January 2013):
 Hi
This was a 'non-relationship' his red flags were flying for all to see, except you.
He was happy to accept sex,happy for you to chase him,but it didn't mean anything to him I am afraid.
Don't give either him or his sad friends anything to gloat about. Forget he and them exist and put it down to an error of judgement.
New year,fresh start
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 January 2013):
He is not going to be single and regret what he did. He still needs women so he could continue being a commitment phobe. He needs to build the relationship up in order to run away from it. Confusing but true. No contact does not work for an unremorseful commitment phobe. He either comes back when he's horny or he decides it's easier to prey on nonsuspecting newcomers in his life.
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A
female
reader, Auntie5  +, writes (6 January 2013):
When a man says that he's not ready for a relationship/marriage/etc. he means that he's not ready for one "with you". I know that's painful to hear. Your best option now is to forget him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 January 2013):
 You chased him, he wasn't interested, I am not sure what you thought going no contact would achieve.
You know he is a jerk, a rotten parent, a committment phobe, a playa, and whatever else you named him, he told you he didn't want a relationship, but he was happy to accept having no strings sex with you.
I suggest you put this one down to a bad call on your part, hold your head up high, when his friends try to get some titilation in their sad and sorry lives by telling you all about him, just be non committal, shrug your shoulders and start talking about the weather or football.
Move along, he is nothing and has nothing for you.
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