A
female
age
41-50,
*merchan10
writes:The past 2 years I spent dating a guy I thought was the answer to all that I was looking for in a guy. From the moment we met, he swept me off of my feet. We loved being around each other and we went on fun trips as well as some of the best dates of my life. I thought our relationship was naturally and healthily progressing. A year ago we moved into an apartment together and had a wonderful time together, we always seemed to know how to brighten the others day. The only snag our relationship hit came in November of last year, he confessed to me that he had had feelings for someone else because I was working so much. If I had bee around more he wouldn’t have even thought about anyone else. He thought about cheating, but we talked about it before anything happened. We talked about going on a break and I even talked about ending the relationship. Before that week was over, he had decided that he was being selfish and that the thought of losing me was too great. The next seven months he became fully devoted to me. Although, he is in the military and he was away at training some of that time, the lines of communication between us were really strong. We saw each other as often as possible and never let more than a day go by without talking. He often talked of marriage and then at the end of June he proposed to me. Without a doubt in my mind I accepted. I had never seen him so excited or happy. All throughout our relationship everyone in his life told me that they had never seen him so happy and I had never felt so in love. Shortly after he proposed I had to go to Europe for work and would be gone for 28 days. When I returned home, I was to move to my fiancés base and we were to plan our wedding. While I was gone he moved all of my possessions to his base and we kept in steady contact. Also, while I was gone, his father became rather ill and was diagnosed with cancer.When I returned to the country, I was confronted with a completely different fiancé, although, I had not actually seen him because he was already at his base expecting me to come there soon. He seemed distant and distracted. He told me that he hated the person he was when I was gone. He drank a lot and slept even more. When his family found out about his father, everyone had someone to turn to, except him, because I was overseas. Less than a week before I was to move out to be with him, he told me he no longer saw his future with me. He had meet someone three weeks prior, fell in love with her, she fell in love with him and she was moving out to live with him. He would work on getting my things returned to me. None of his friends, family, and especially me had ever seen this side of him. No one had any indication of any of this taking place. It was a month ago that he told me all of this. This other girl has been living with him and we are still trying to get all of my things back. We have had to communicate in order to get my things back. I hear a lot of doubt in his voice; he tells me how great we were together. The other day he told me he never deserved me that he always felt he was going to hurt me one day or another and I could do so much better. This situation has left me in a state of complete confusion. Up until I returned from Europe, he had treated me extremely well. We had what we thought was a very loving and healthy relationship. I can’t believe I could have judged someone so wrong. People around me say that it was cold feet, or his dad being sick really affected him. I feel he has a deep issue with being alone. That he can’t stand to be a lone and needs constant companionship. I guess now, I am trying to find the best path to take, do I cut him from my life, he has asked me not to, what steps can I take to avoid letting this situation sour me on ever having another relationship. I know already I am going to have serious trust issues. Sincerely,Lost and Confused
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): Well first off, it really has nothing to do with his dad being sick or with him having cold feet.
The problem is that this guy has been unsure about you guys for a long time. You even said that before you had been engaged, he had mentioned being in love with somebody else. There have been signs of his uncertainty for a long time. Furthermore, there is no possible way that a guy who is truly in love with you could fall in love with somebody else. So that right there was a red flag into this guy's true feelings.
Guys often say things that they don't really mean just because they don't want to hurt you. Or whatever. It could be a million reasons. So it is up to us to read between the lines, no matter how "great" things may appear. I think that this experience is going to make you so much more stronger and so much more perceptive in the future. I have been through this and it is all part of life and part of a growing experience. And you will look back one day and feel lucky that you learned this lesson at such a young age rather than when you were much older, when it becomes harder to bounce back so easily.
And this guy is not worth even one second of your time. So even though he may want to be in contact with you, you shouldn't be in contact with him AT ALL. Because it will make the healing process for you to get over all this WAY quicker and easier and because he does not deserve your attention anymore. You need to heal and move on. And that requires you to pronounce him "dead" in your life. Do it for you. You WILL get over the pain AND you will be much stronger and better.
A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (1 September 2007):
 Hi smerchan10,
Whew! You really got thrown for a lulu didnt you? I understand about the surprise you feel when you find that somebody isnt as you had thought. Been there, got the t-shirt.
I think you are begining to sort your way through this actuly. Looking at the last paragraph you wrote I saw that you made a good assesment of the situation.
"I feel he has a deep issue with being alone. That he can’t stand to be alone and needs constant companionship"
I think you hit the nail on the head with that one. Its been my experience that this exact issue can be a major problem. People who cant deal with being alone are kinda scary frankly because you just cant trust them. They will throw away so much to get so little. It just doesnt make sense. Best to stay away from folks like this. They are a vortex of energy. There will never be enough attention or love or what ever perticular itch it may that they need to scratch. I would say clear yourself out of the last dreggs of this relationship and walk away totally. If you try to do the "friends" thing Im sure one day he will ditch his new girl for you simply because she is out of town for a bit, or even just went to the grocery store! Save yourself some agony and walk away.
As for trust I would say take a break for a bit. Get your bearings back. Assess what went down and where the red flags were and learn from it. Not all guys are like this and you will find somebody you can trust. Chalk it up to experience and get on with your very wonderful life!
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A
male
reader, Escalaya +, writes (1 September 2007):
 First of all, I'd like to apologize, I'm sorry to hear you're having such rough times.
Now, on to Business. It seems to me that he let loneliness take control of him. When hard times hit, he found someone to be there with him, I don't think it's what he really wants, but he feels that for some reason, she's probably more secure (will be around more) I'm sure if you talk to him, ask him what happened, and dig a little he'll admit that it was all about being lonely.
This is just my theory, though, so don't bet your money on it, hun.
Anyways, best of luck, and take care.
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