A
female
age
41-50,
*iery
writes:Till recently i was in an interracial relationship (black and white). My boyfriend and I got into a political discussion and he told me to go back to Africa and I broke it off. Some of my friends say it was just a slip of the tongue and it's no big deal but I was really hurt by it. Am I just over reacting here or was that a really mean and petty thing to say? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rockelle +, writes (26 October 2007):
 I know I am a little late but I just wanted to add my two cents. You have received some very good advice from the aunts. Some of them I agree with and some of them I do not. Now, first of all I do not know you personally so I do not know whether or not you are a black american or African. Either way I think that the comment was very racist and I would have been highly upset if my bf had said that to me. I myself am a Black-American. I do not have any relatives in Africa and I have never been there. So for someone to say something like that to me would really piss me off. Considering I have as much right to consider myself an American as any White-American. Maybe your bf needs a crash course in American history. I encourage you to forgive him but I do not think it would be wise to carry on a relationship with him. Because believe me there are more racist comments where that one came from.
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (23 October 2007):
 That was a completely ignorant and rude comment to make. He is supposed to care about you as he is your b/f. I don't think I would waste any more time worrying about it. Put your political views at rest for the time being.
If he can't give you a complete and heartfelt apoligy it might be best to reconsider your relationship altogether. When one person really cares about another they put their mates best interest at heart. So take it to heart and think about it.
You deserve respect and the right to maintain your dignity in a any relationnship. Don't let someone make you feel degraded just because of where you are from or what your views are on polital matters. Think about what other views he might take. How will it affect your life if you are with him?
Opinions are just like the colors of our skin. They are many. I hope you are able to get over the hurt and make a clear decision for your future concerning your b/f.
God bless and keep you.
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male
reader, ironic nostalgia +, writes (23 October 2007):
 to the anonymous female reader,to suggest that the phrase "go back to africa" can be taken out of context to mean something racist when no racism was intended is to be either disingenuous or willfully ignorant of the history of racism in america."go back to africa" has negative racial connotations all by itself. it's a phrase that has been used by racist groups throughout american history. in fact, the construction is still used today by american racists. by default, the phrase itself is racist because it suggests that african-americans are not the same as white americans -- in other words, that african-americans are not really americans because they should go back to africa, that they are different and inferior because they do not deserve to be americans. the phrase is used by racists to turn african-americans into the "other"; to make african-americans feared and hated. this is the context of the language used by fiery's ex-boyfriend.i believe this is what stina is getting at with her answers. this is also why stina has suggested education in related academic fields -- your responses suggest a lack of knowledge regarding the history of racism in america. the point is that there really is no other interpretation possible of that phrase.fiery's ex-boyfriend is guilty of either being willfully ignorant of the racist connotations of such language or of being overtly hateful. either way, the implications are bad, and fiery is right to question whether such a relationship is in her best interests. as i have already stated, unless fiery's ex-boyfriend can see the error of such a comment and is willing to educate himself about this issue, fiery has little reason to stay in such a relationship.at the very best, the comment suggests a degree of supressed, subtle racism. in order for fiery to have a healthy relationship, her ex-boyfriend will have to be willing to work through this issue. if she were to shrug this off as a "slip-of-the-tongue," what reassurance does she have that another similar comment will not be uttered in the heat of another argument? shrugging of the comment and not taking it seriously will not address any of the potential underlying issues, and will only build a shaky foundation for the future.
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female
reader, stina +, writes (23 October 2007):
 Anonymous agony aunt,
If you wish to discuss this matter anymore, then please private message me. Your last comment did not address the question asker at all and has brought nothing new to the table. The whole conversation is directed specifically at me and that is not fair to Fiery. (This is why I thought it'd be better if an account was created so we could speak through private message.)
I do apologize for sounding condescending, but it was not my intent. That is not the kind of person I am, and am sure anyone that I have spoken with here on DC can reassure you of that. However, I truly believe what I stated - in all points that I brought up - and would love to continue what has turned into a discussion between the both of us privately. I will not know your name, etc if you want to message me from an account; I know that you said you want to remain anonymous.
Fiery - sorry about hijacking your thread.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Andy00  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 There's quite a lot of long answers on here, which is great. However, I would like to raise my swift opinion:
Slip of the tongue or not, that was a horrible remark for him to make.
He should definately apologize for his words, and if he wants you back badly enough, then he'd really have to prove that he's sorry. Still, apology or not, I would say you'd be very right to leave him. He's ignorant, and immature, and a temper tantrum/heated discussion is no excuse at all for talk like that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Yo stina girl you really need to let this one go man. You are trying to be condescending and imply that I need to better educate myself?? I mean get over it. I stand 100% by what I have said. And judging by your own comments and how unbelievably opinionated you are, how you don't listen to a word I've said and the consant barrage of normative statements that you have made you could definitely better educate your own self. You should worry about that instead. I stand by what I said. And I am plenty educated. I feel especially confident in voicing my opinion when it comes to race and I shouldn't even have to explain to you why. Just let it go. jeez.
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female
reader, stina +, writes (22 October 2007):
Hello anonymous agony aunt,
"Well I guess I responded the way I did because of the region I live in and because of my own personal experiences." I think this is where the problem lies. I based my answer on the history of the phrase "go back to Africa" as it has been used America's past and what that phrase has come to mean today.
Using the term "go back to Africa" is telling African Americans that they don't have the same right to be here as white people do. It's claiming the United States as a country that belongs to whoever is making the comment.
It also touches on the nerve of many African Americans because of our history with slavery. Africans were brought to the United States against their will and forced to live a life of torture and anguish. For someone to tell a person who has a family history with roots founded because of slavery is a slap in the face.
If you need more evidence of why "go back to Africa" is a racist comment, it seems as though you need to educate yourself on the history of racism in America. Ironic Nostalgia makes a good suggestion for Fiery's boyfriend - "i'd ask him to educate himself in africana studies, cultural studies, and the history of civil rights and racism in america." It would probably be beneficial for you to read up and take some of these courses, as well.
(I actually tried to post a link to a website that discusses the history of this term for you, but - not surprisingly - my place of work has firewalled the site for "Racism and Hate." Perhaps if you google the term, you'll find the same site.)
So, let me put this another way - if this was not supposed to be a racially charged comment, then why didn't her boyfriend tell her to "go back home," "go back to [wherever she was born]", or even "go to hell?" Because it was not his intent to do anything but say something that would really, really get upset. And, apparently, that would be something about her race in this specific case. (Fiery, correct me if I'm wrong, okay?)
So whether or not you live in a what you think is a "colorblind" society, racism still does exist - and it's going to continue if people persistantly use foul comments such as "go back to Africa."
(PS - "I am a political science major, and I avoid all heated conversations on politics especially with loved ones. Especially if I know we don't see eye to eye. I am sure all my professors would agree with me. It was just MY opinion. It is ok that you disagree with that but that is STILL MY opinion." That's a shame. My husband went to school for the same type of education. Now he works for a very well known political organization - he has the position there because he is very outspoken and loves to have intelligent discussions with everyone, be it a stranger on the train or political figures. Why do you think your professors would advocate taking a silent position on politics - issues that could revolutionize the United States and issues that affect millions of people on such personal, national and international levels? I would rethink this if I were you. It will only help you if you wish to get a position in the field you are studying. To do otherwise, in my opinion, would be a disservice to yourself.)
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Hi, sweetness
Well, I come from a background of interracial relationships. My Mom is white, my Dad is black, making me half & half... now I'm dating a white guy and let me tell you... if I ever heard something like that come out of my boyfriend (or anyone else's) mouth - I would NOT be happy. In fact, I would be pissed. Nay, furious.
If your boyfriend seems genuinely from-the-bottom-of-his-very-soul sorry, then perhaps you can find it in yourself to forgive him and give him one last chance. But that's only if he's groveling, writing you love poems and sending you flowers. He better be really, really, REALLY sorry.
Otherwise, I think the guy is a jerk and shouldn't be in your life. Nobody should think it's okay to say that kind of thing EVER. He's shown his true colors and they're pretty ugly. Respect yourself and do what you think is right.
Good luck, sweetness.
xx India
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A
male
reader, Checkup Man +, writes (22 October 2007):
 The whole idea of a relationship is to be loved and wanted by the other person. To tell their partner to "Go back to Africa" is unacceptable and offensive and you were right to ditch this racist. Do you want to return to this person for more racial insults? I think not! Black people have had enough insults thrown at them and enough is enough, and I am a white man!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Hello again. Hi stina. Well I will keep my anonymity because I prefer it that way. Well I guess I responded the way I did because of the region I live in and because of my own personal experiences.Well I am from NYC, in fact I live in Brooklyn across the street from the Marcy projects, a predominantly african american area. I walk side by side and hang out side by side with people of ALL races on a day to day basis. I buy milk at the local bodega and go to reggaeton dj thursday nights at the local jamaican bar. I go to spanish harlem to get good mexican food, and I used to live in Harlem 4 blocks south of 125th st. I could go on. It is easy for someone who has never been around so much diversity to talk about race. Always is. But like Oscar wilde said "It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is fatal."Look when you live in such a diverse environment like the one I live in, tunnel vision is not an option. You see and interact with people of so many colors and races (and sexual preferences) you see people not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. It is a very sophisticated city. I love new york. In my social welfare policy class, which mostly had african american students, we were talking about their experience in the south usa, and how a few students had experienced horrible racist comments. But NY is not the south. We were comparing how different the mentalities in the south are from NYC. In fact I was shocked. I was not aware the south was like that. You have to understand that racism like that is an anomoly to me and perhaps to the average new yorker. It is a very open minded city. I don't understand racism like you do because it doesn't exist for me, perhaps, in the same way it exists for you. I don't see people being hateful or talking hateful just because of race. Because people here don't think with hate, you can say whatever is on your mind without sounding hateful. So that is why I didn't TOTALLY associate his comment with a racist one. I am used to being around people who are blunt but not hateful. I really don't know how her bf meant that comment. Out of context, it does sound racist. But I don't know if within the conversation it really was how it sounds out of context. That's all I am saying. Because I am from NY, people can say things to me that perhaps to you seems out of line, but to me doesn't just because I know the mentality, which generally does NOT have a negative connotation especially not in terms of race. I live in a city where no matter your race, we see eye to eye. P.S. I am a political science major, and I avoid all heated conversations on politics especially with loved ones. Especially if I know we don't see eye to eye. I am sure all my professors would agree with me. It was just MY opinion. It is ok that you disagree with that but that is STILL MY opinion.
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Being South African it wouldnt be the first time I have heard of someone saying something like that. My boyfriend and I have been together 9 years and we get on great. However, I have found that when it comes to political discussions, they know nothing about what we have been through and so "think they know everything".
I have been told by my boyfriend that he thought the white population had no right being in South Africa and that what was happening in South Africa was correct. Needless to say, he doesnt have a clue what he is talking about since he hasnt lived there and doesnt know anything about South African politics, should rather shut up.
My point is, politics in the African countries is somewhat delicate. People all over the world perceive things very differently to us, and so it is always best not to discuss politics with the one you love. They will never understand what we as individuals have been through, however think that they do. They will never be able to accept some of our beliefs, just as we dont accept some of theirs. Sometimes little things like "go back to Africa" will slip out because they see it as you are compairing our country with your home, and that if you dont like where you are now, go home!
I have had this discussion too often with my boyfriend as he has told me before that if I dont like things here, go home to South Africa.
I love where I live in Scotland, but there are certain traditions and beliefs that I have to say "are mince" in my mind, but they whole heartedly believe it. So who am I to argue with them. If thats what they believe, then let them.
You possibly didnt understand where your boyfriend was coming from and how he meant what he said, but I am pretty sure it wasnt meant in any malicious context. Try speaking to him and ask him what he meant!
I hope my rambling on helps!
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male
reader, ironic nostalgia +, writes (22 October 2007):
i don't think you are overreacting at all. his comment can be interpreted in one of two ways, neither of which are good:
1. he meant it to be purposefully hurtful towards you
2. it was a slip of the tongue, spoken in jest
the first is the worst of the two, meaning that he is overtly and openly bigoted. the second is the better of the two, but this suggests that he is privately racist, or subtlety racist.
either way, i don't think his comment can be appropriate in any context. i believe that his comment suggests some kind of pent-up, suppressed racist feelings. if he is truly sorry, and he claims that he doesn't know better, i'd ask him to educate himself in africana studies, cultural studies, and the history of civil rights and racism in america. after he's learned why what he said was wrong, perhaps you can salvage the relationship.
if he refuses to educate himself, or he denies any wrongdoing, then i think that this relationship will probably not be worth your time and effort in the long run. it's likely that comments like this one could happen again. do you want to be involved with someone who has "slip-of-the-tongue" racism?
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female
reader, stina +, writes (22 October 2007):
Correction to my last post:
(#4) "...then why *can't* an intelligent and meaningful discussion and/or debate take place..."
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female
reader, stina +, writes (22 October 2007):
Hello again,
Because the last poster left her comment anonymously, I cannot private message her. Anonymous agony aunt, I'd like to know:
1. "Do you think he meant it in a bad way?" When is a racist comment not meant in a 'bad way?'
2. "...you are too sensitive to handle someone who is capable of being mean or blunt like that?" How can someone be 'too sensitive' when it comes to hate comments based around one particular race?
3. "Did you say something mean or condescending before he said that which might have provoked him to react like that?" To me, it seems like you're saying that if he was provoked, it'd be okay to make a racist comment. Am I correct -- that there are times where racist comments are allowable? If not, then why are you suggesting the boyfriend has an excuse?
4. "Politics sucks..." " ...I think friends and lovers should try to stay away from that kind of discourse." Why does politics suck? And if there are differing opinions between friends/lovers about *any* subject, then why can an intelligent and meaningful discussion and/or debate take place? Why should they have to avoid speaking about it - especially if they are involved in a what is supposed to be a loving relationship? Avoiding conversations just makes no sense to me. You should not have to censor yourself in a relationship. You'll have to explain further.
5. "But I am very perceptive and I can tell the difference between someone who is just angry and someone who is plainly a bigot. There is a big difference." Please tell us the difference since you claim to know. Your example should focus focus on a racist comment.
6. You say that you would laugh if your boyfriend said something racist. Whether it is said out of anger or said because of racist intentions, what is the difference? The bottom line is that this was a racist comment and it was said with the intention to hurt, anger and/or humiliate. How are *any* of these actions laughable, let alone excusable?
If you are irritated or annoyed at my current comment, it was not intended to make you feel as such. I would simply like some clarification, as I'm sure it would benefit Fiery, as well, to understand where you're coming from. (If you'd rather talk about this privately, please sign up for an account and private message me. If any other moderators think that this comment hijacks the thread and does not add to the advice that is being given to Fiery, please delete it. Thank you.)
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female
reader, Fiery +, writes (22 October 2007):
Fiery is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone for your replies...I truly appreciate them and thanks for caring.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Yes and no. I mean it depends. Do you think he meant it in a bad way? Like is he a bigot? Or perhaps he isn't a bigot and you are too sensitive to handle someone who is capable of being mean or blunt like that? Did you say something mean or condescending before he said that which might have provoked him to react like that?
Politics sucks and it is a very touchy subject and often can lead people to get angry. I think friends and lovers should try to stay away from that kind of discourse. But if you honestly feel that he meant it in more than just a mean way out of anger, if you feel that he is a BIGOT and its only going to get worse, then by all means don't look back and you did the right thing.
But I will say, in the heat of discussions me and my bf have said mean things to eachother. But I am very perceptive and I can tell the difference between someone who is just angry and someone who is plainly a bigot. There is a big difference. I don't know your relationship so that is something that you would have to figure out. If he is absolutely not a bigot and said it out of anger, I would have probably laughed at him. But if he is a bigot then I would be just as hurt as you and would run as far from him as possible.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): Are you joking? I think you have under-reacted!!!! Your friends who say it was just a slip of the tongue are insane. Yes it might have been but he would have had to have thought it for it to slip out! I think he sounds like he has always thought it and managed to avoid saying it before! He is not worth it not one bit! What if you had kids? What would he say to them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): It was a racist and extreemly immature comment.
You had been happy together and so obviously he didnt have a problem with the colour of your skin for the time you were together, therefore suggesting he was just trying to get a reaction - probably not the one he wanted though!
Then there is that his true colours shone through and actually he is completely shallow minded and immature.
Either way you didnt over react - you gave him exactly what he deserved.
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female
reader, stina +, writes (22 October 2007):
Hi Fiery,
I'm going to be blunt here, so sorry if it hurts your feelings...but, your ex is a straight up asshole; I would have broken up with him if I were you, as well.
He really let his true, uneducated, callous feelings show through, didn't he? That statement is obviously racist and your boyfriend should have never said that. (I'm assuming you didn't move here from Africa, correct? It may be different if this is the case; however, it would still be incredibly cold and disgusting to hear from someone who is supposed to value you. To add to this thought, if you were white, would he have said "go back to Europe?" Don't think so!)
And if this was a slip of the tongue, then what does that mean? That your boyfriend truly is racist? And what are your friends saying that it's not a big deal that your boyfriend made an overtly racist and hateful remark to you? And for what? What did he hope to achieve by saying this? To make you angry? Or just to be hateful toward the whole african american/black race? Or both?
My husband has a puerto rican background and I am white; we have run into racist situations before. At no time did I allow the excuse to be used that it was a "slip of the tongue." When people say things like this, they know what they're saying and they know the implications that will occur - and they need to be held accountable.
And besides, if he actually *cared* about you he would have never said anything so stupid, uncaring and prejudiced. I know that I would never, ever say anything so ridiculous to my husband - go back to Puerto Rico. What in the world was going through your ex's mind?
Also - he was just your boyfriend - if this turns into a long term relationship and you two end up getting married, would this behavior and way of thinking going to stay with you both throughout your lives?
If I were you, I would have dumped this sorry excuse for a partner, as well. I do NOT think you're overreacting. I think you should find someone who cares about you enough to leave the hate remarks out of discussions and arguments.
Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): i think you did the right thing. you dont diserve a comment like that. but what seems a big deal to you may not matter to others. tell him how you felt and if he is right for you he will understand. stand up for yourself no matter what, and never be told that something doesn't hurt you, when it does.
good luck and dont worry, just talk to him - be brave.
XXXXXXXXX
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