A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:I split up with my boyfriend of nearly a year on saturday. I did this because I felt we had been getting more and more distant. He would ignore me and seemed more interested in going to the pub than spending time with me. Just before we split up he explained that he has though I was thinking of dumping him so he had been avoiding spending time with him. Whereas I had been thinking I had to dump him because he was acting distant and I thought he wasn't making an effort to spend time with me. I got s fed up with his behaviour and how he treated me that I made up my mind to leave him. The problem is I coudn't explain to him why I felt I had to leave him. I just got so overcome with emotion I just said it's not working. He went quiet and didn't look me in the eye and said he thought I was going to do it a while ago, but that I didn't have the balls to do it. The problem is I still love him. I have never loved anyone that much. He wanted to marry me and come away with me to Uni. I know he loved me.He used to tell me all the time. It was just the way he acted that reall got me down. I was so unhappy I thought I had no choice. I have thought about writing him a letter explaining myself. He hasn't contacted me since. What should I do?
View related questions:
split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (3 May 2008):
 Oh wow if I had known all of that I would have never gave you that advice I did, sorry. I totally agree with what you are saying and am so glad you see it that way. Love yourself first and don't put up with anything less than what you deserve, good for you !! Good luck with everything!
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (3 May 2008):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks. I don't think I was the immature one. He told me a couple of months ago that he was in love with someone else from his past who has been leading him on for years and he refused to let go of this when I asked him about it.. He kissed her on new years because it was 'tradition' I put up with this because I love him. My mind has changed up and down for the last couple of months. But as I left him and he just said he didn't care and he was ok with it and has not contacted me since I think it was for the best. I did love him and looked at him in the best light but I think I have to love myself first. I have to be comfortable with myself and not put up with shit from guys no matter how much I loved them. I know he's a good guy and meant well. That's why it has been so hard since the break up but I guess he's just not the guy for me. maybe I will send him a letter. Thanks for all your advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (3 May 2008):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I don't think I was the immature one. He told me a couple of months ago that he was in love with someone else from his past who has been leading him on for years and he refused to let go of this when I asked him about it.. He kissed her on new years because it was 'tradition' I put up with this because I love him. My mind has changed up and down for the last couple of months. But as I left him and he just said he didn't care and he was ok with it and has not contacted me since I think it was for the best. I did love him and looked at him in the best light but I think I have to love myself first. I have to be comfortable with myself and not put up with shit from guys no matter how much I loved them. Thanks for all your advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Well, if it's only been 6 days I would definitely think that this is still viable, go tell him you were too quick to react and it was a mistake
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): you still love him. so you dumped him because you were mad. I think not a letter saying why you dumped him but more a letter of apology for being an immature girl. You said he wanted to marry you, but you showed little interest no wonder he backed off, why expend your energy on someone you can't have. I think you have a lot of crawling to do if you want this man back. I'm sure behaviour like this will alienate any prospective partner.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): If youre considering writing him you haven't really dumped him. When youre dumped the last thing you want is a list of your short comings. It sounds like its more a case of sayning 'i'm right your wrong' than anything else. Leave him lick his wounds in peace.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (2 May 2008):
Be completely honest with him and share everything you are feeling. Explain why you ended it and what was going on in your head. Don't wait for him to say something to you first because you are the one who ended it, in his mind you want nothing to do with him so why harrass you? Let him know everything. You will regret it later if you don't, I have been there. You will always wonder "what if?" or "maybe I did the wrong thing..." If it doesn't work out then like you said- it wasn't mean to be. Maybe you can work through your problems and in the future don't be so impulsive. Try to talk your problems out instead of just dumping him cause you are mad with his current behavior. Trust me, I ended a great relationship over a year ago and still wish to this day I hadn't done it. Good luck with everything.
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (2 May 2008):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. Thanks for your advice.It wasn't actually a year ago. We'd been going out for nearly a year but I split up with him 6 days ago. I know I didn't talk about my feelings at the time which I know I should have done but I found it really hard to. He was allways really honest with me. I just want to tell him why I left him because I couldn't get the words out. I still really love him but I know if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. But I care about him so much I think he deserves an explaination. Do you think it's a good idea to be totally honest with him and just leave it up to him. Or is it better not to say too much and just see if he comes to me, knowing that if he is for me he will? I jst think I hurt him because I was not open and honest and I think for him to forgive me and to understand that how he acted hurt me, I need to express myself.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 May 2008):
I've tried this move before, the not explaining what was really bugging me and instead jumping the gun to breakup mode instead of actually addressing the issues. I also tried to talk to the ex MANY months after what happened, just for closure's sake, but it didnt' go over that well. and it was so much in the past that the boy was just like, well good to know NOW, and seemed fairly resentful that i didnt' express myself at the time. I wouldn't be surprised if your man has moved on, I mean why else do people go out to bars, he was already acting like a single man. I think he may have actually been pushing you away and waiting for you to do it and may have been acting out to GET you to do it. I would consider these things before proposing getting back into the relationship::
1) are you ready for rejection/potential defensiveness about the past and dredging up old drama and issues you couldn't face before?
2) are you ready to address problems as they come up, rather than a year later. you need to become more vocal about disappointments he's making
3) what makes you think he's changed? don't just go back with him cause you like him, I think you need to think about how you felt during that period where you were neglected and hurt and if you really want to go through that again.
Depending on your answers you may still want to go for it, I just think you should keep those things in mind. Good luck, let us know of your sucesses or issues!
...............................
|
