A
male
age
30-35,
*azzedUp
writes:I need help with laying old ghosts to rest. I'm 17 years old, a senior in high school and for 4 months, I was engaged to 15 year old girl who had terminal Leukemia and CIPA (she couldn't feel any pain or sensation in her entire body 8 months ago, my friend and I were walking through Opry Mills Mall in Nashville Tennessee. We stopped by this 15 year old girl who was crying. I sat down beside her and asked what was wrong. She told me that she was supposed to meet a boy there and he showed up, but ran away when he realized she had to wear a wig. So I took her home, and then me and my friend drove back to Muscle Shoals, Alabama (the distance is important). I gave her my phone number in case she ever needed someone to talk to. She called me a few days later and I drove 4 hours to visit her. Well a few days later I went back, and then again, and again. I fell in love with her, despite my friends' warning that I would only get hurt. We began dating and I went to see her Tuesdays, Thrusdays and Saturdays. Once when we were at the mall together, she broke down into tears when she saw other kids holding hands with their girlfriends or boyfriends. She said that she would die before she was ever even old enough to get married, and that I should just forget about her while I was ahead. Determined to show her that I loved her and was going to stay by her no matter what, I bought her an engagement ring, promising her that she would live for us to be married one day. So things only got better. She had more confidence about recovering from her disease and became a brighter person. The trips wore me down between driving to see her and working, but I never minded any of it. I loved her and was determined to make every day God gave her worthwhile. Just when I began to think she was actually going to be alright, I received a call from her father. They lived 3 hours away from the hospital she received her chemotherapy from, and on the way back home, she had fallen asleep. She died peacefully in her sleep. I still can't get it out of my head. I knew I was going to have to face her death if I went down that road with her, but I went ahead anyways. And I feel like I should have done more to stop it. People called me crazy for getting engaged with a terminal cancer patient, but I still say I did the right thing. Can someone please talk to me? Tell me how I'm supposed to feel? Its been 8 4 months since her death and I still hate myself when I look in the mirror. Someone help please...
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 December 2010):
Don't blame yourself hun, you didn't do anything wrong at all. You are kind, compassionate, brave, and mature. Not many guys your age are even half of that. Heck not many guys twice or three times your age are half of that! You followed your heart and allowed yourself to connect with someone who was hurting without regard for yourself. that is a noble and selfless act. Please don't feel guilty about anything at all. Don't listen to those who call you crazy, they are immature and shallow. Have you talked with her family? it may help you to process your feelings if you can share your grief with others who loved her too and who saw how happy she was in the last weeks when you came into her life. whatever you do, don't keep it all bottled inside. TALK to someone understanding. there are also grief support groups (both online and in person) that you could join that can provide a safe place for you to share and process your thoughts and feelings.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): You story brought tears to my eyes, it's so beautiful. You brought joy and love into her life, the kind of love she would never have experienced otherwise. you did not hold your heart back because of her condition and fear of getting hurt. You are brave and mature beyond your years.
Please don't hate yourself. There is nothing you could have done to stop her death, it simply is something that was completely beyond your abilities. Even the doctors couldn't stop it, there is absolutely nothing you could have done. She died peacefully in her sleep, with dignity and knowing she was loved. How many of us will be that fortunate when our time comes?
Please know that you did nothing wrong whatsoever. How can it be wrong to love someone? if anything you were an angel on earth to her.
It's a lot to deal with at your age. You may want to talk to family or friends, people you trust, about how you feel. It will bring some comfort and help you process your feelings and heal. If you don't feel comfortable talking with family or friends, how about a school counselor or a church counselor? Please take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, jusAnonymous +, writes (25 December 2010):
 dont hate yourself cause u made her happy and gave her almost everything she wanted
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (23 December 2010):
 You´re NOT crazy, you´re very brave and courageous... you´re over a decade younger than me but in spite of that, you make me want to be a better person.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (23 December 2010):
There is a really sweet, very beautiful song, by a band called Mago de Oz (have you heard of them'9, that I think would help comfort you.
I don´t know if you speak Spanish, dear poster, but the fact that it´s in Spanish may not be a problem. It´s called ´´Desde mi cielo,´´ and it tells the story of someone who has passed away but reassures their loved one that death isn´t the absolute end, that the soul never dies and that love is the most powerful thing that there is. The message of the song is, please don´t cry for me, my soul will never die, I´ll always be with you in spirit and what I want most is for you to be happy and find love again... you´ll be all right.
no llores cielo
Vuelvete a enamorar,
me gustaria
volver a verte sonreir
(Don´t cry, my love!! Fall in love again, I would very much like to see you smile again)
Here is the song. It´s one of the most beautiful songs i ever heard:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uryAOJj-v4k
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): You made her last days happy & full of love.
Don't look in the mirror & hate yourself,look in the mirrior & smile knowing you made a dieing girl very happy!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): "Its better to have loved, then to not have loved at all"
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A
male
reader, Mr Clark +, writes (22 December 2010):
That is truely heartbreaking.
I also think you did the right thing. You made her life better. Making someone else's life better is probably the most noble thing a human being can do.
It seems to me the people who are being critical of your choices are saying you should have put yourself first. In my opinion, that's just F'd up. People put themselves first constantly in this world, and look where it gets them. Do you admire people who put themselves first, or do you admire people who live according to their principles? You swam against the current. You fought the good fight.
There are situations in life in which there is no "right" answer or course of action that is going to make everything OK. It just sucks sometimes. You wouldn't have been happy with yourself if you'd walked away from her. I don't know how you could have possibly done more to stop it.
The following may or may not be helpful. (I'm not a psychologist by any stretch) I find that strong emotions play tricks on my brain. I can feel that something is true, even if my rational brain knows it's not. But, the feeling is so strong that my emotions "win" and it feels like something I know to be false is true. It's hard for me to know, but it seems to me your grief (perfectly normal) may be so strong it is causing you to feel that you could have done something more, when in fact you couldn't.
I'm not sure I would have had the courage to do what you did. If I had, I'm sure I'd be devastated. You suffered a serious loss, and it's normal to grieve for quite some time in that situation. My only suggestion is to try to take it one day at a time. You did the right thing, and you can always sleep at night knowing you were true to yourself. In time the pain will begin to ease bit by bit.
Godspeed my friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): I'm sorry darling. Had it been at 15 or at 60 you couldn't stop it. Death is inevitable. It is a part of life. There are people who live well into their 60's who haven't felt even half as loved as she did at 15 by you. Life isn't about how long you live but how well you live it. It isn't about how many breaths we take but how many moments take our breath away.
How many women can say they have cancer, sitting lonely and sad at the mall, and have the chance to meet you. A guy who unconditionally loves them and wants to marry them. Who drive hours to see them just to see them smile. Think about it, how many? Just reading this site alone you see how many women well into their 20's, 30's, 40's, and so on, who are perfecly healthy and dealing with creep after creep. Men who could care less about them. Not even slightly experiencng anything as magical as what you showed her.
You should feel proud of yourself. God took her. It was her time. Loss and death is a part of life.
God wants to teach you something. And he wants to teach other's whose lives you touch, he wants to teach them something through your story and your compassion.
As you get older you will see life is a series of lessons. She had to go as all of us will have to when our time comes.
When you look in the mirror you should feel proud. You fulfilled her dream. We are all going to die. She died happy. Many many people will not be that lucky. You will realise this more and more as you get older. I'm sorry for your loss sweetheart. I promise everything's going to be alright.
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A
male
reader, not fat +, writes (22 December 2010):
hold your head up you gave happyness to some one who had none. you are a real man. dont give up life will go on. and time will heal you
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (22 December 2010):
Wow. I am so sorry that you lost this girl, because this story is a really touching example of the meaning of true love. It breaks my heart that this relationship ended in tragedy, but it is not YOUR FAULT. You sound like an absolute angel from your post. If you need to talk to someone, talk to us. Please, please don`t feel guilty. You are a wonderful person and the world is a brighter place because of you.
Just like anyone who has watched a loved one die of cancer... cancer is absolutely a living hell. I know that your heart is broken now (HUGS) but you made this sacrifice so that this girl could experience happiness and love in the little time she had left. Imagine what her life would have been like without you. Her last memories would be rejection, abandonment, despair and loneliness. Your unselfish behavior turned her life around.
I don`t understand why you hate yourself. What you did was courageous... you knew that she didn`t have much time, but you stood by her and fought for true love, right to the end. There was nothing you could have done to save her, sometimes cancer isn`t caught in time for the treatments to work. She wouldn`t want you to blame yourself. You have to follow your heart, and you did just that. Sometimes the right choices are NOT easy, and you knew that, but you did the right thing. You didn`t abandon her (like that other guy) and you should have no regrets.
grieve, and cherish her memories, and come to us if you ever need to talk. I wish there were more people as wonderful and caring as you.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Wow, a real life super hero. Be proud of your acts. You did more than what most ppl could have. Put the smile on your face for the sake of her soul. Goodluck and merry xmas
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A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (22 December 2010):
My God! You two are two angels. You will see each other - that is sure. You know, this is the Earth, not the Heaven. Here we used to cry sometimes, and our chest is pressed by the pain. Now my chest feels as heavy as yours. When you will see a rainbow, you will see this girl's smile at you.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Wow, such a beautiful but tradgic story, i actually shed a tear! You want to know how you should feel? You should feel pride, you gave a dying girl her life force back. She felt like someone again, and not rejected by heartless fools. She tried to push you away and you stuck by her. You knew she didn't have much time, but you made that that time so special for her and I absolutely admire you for that.
So many others just walked past her that day in the mall I bet, but she was blessed to be there that day, as she may not have experienced what she did experience if she hadn't been there. You gave her something she thought she would never get, and that is such a beautiful thing. You should be so proud that you gave her comfort and happiness.
God bless you, you are a true star in this dark dark mass we call existance. We need more people who shine as brightly as you do, those selfless ones who light up the lives of those who truly need it.
For now, you need to grieve, we will always be here to talk to you if you need us, you are something special, and her memory will live on forever because you loved her.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (22 December 2010):
 What you did was a good thing. You gave a girl who had absolutely no hope - hope. Having a terminal disease is terrible for anybody, but for someone as young as her who is able to understand that she won't get to do the things other people do can be even worse. You gave that girl something she thought she'd never have.
All you can do is keep that in your mind forever. That's what you need to remember to help you move forward. But that's what you have to do now... move forward. There's no reason to hate yourself. What you did was selfless and a good thing for both her and her parents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): What you did was something to be proud of. You cared for this girl and made, what were to be her last months, full of love and hope. You did what felt right at the time. Now you have grief which is based on shock, anger then acceptance. You have to go through these in order to get back to some sort of normality. But what you did was lovely and you should remember is that you made someone very happy, when things could have seemed utterly bleak.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 December 2010):
You should not hate yourself! Instead, you should be proud of yourself for taking the risk of loving someone who is dying. Not many would. Even those who seem to have a rock-solid relationship and are suddenly faced with tragedy often don´t hold on. Adults who should know better leave those they should love because they don´t want to see them deteriorate.
YOU stayed. You gave that girl the best time she could have and thanks to you she felt like a person again.
There is nothing you can do when someone has cancer other than support them and hope for the best. You did just that. Everyone dies, but how many have lived? You gave that girl all she ever dreamed of and more.
I wish there were more guys like you out there. You're a rare gem, don't you ever convince yourself otherwise. She would want you to move on and live a happy life. If you want to do something, honor those wishes.
Keep the memory of her alive, but keep it positive. Drowning in sadness would not make her happy. When she was alive she tried to push you away to prevent you from getting hurt. You assured her that you would be there for her. Don't make her worst fears come true by succumbing to grief and blaming yourself.
Go to counselling if you need to. Surround yourself with friends, try to do fun things and when thinking of her, think of the things that made you smile. It will take time, it will not be easy, but you will succeed!
If you ever want to talk, rant or anything, you can message me if you wish. It's not much, but I'd be happy to listen.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Oh sweetie..I am so terribly sorry for your loss! What a tragic end to a relationship that sounded so sweet. Now, you need to grieve, and take care of yourself, alright? Why do you hate yourself? What on earth did you do wrong? You are a kind, sweet and thoughtful caring young man! Why on earth would you feel badly about yourself or what you did? Cancer is a horrible horrible disease sweetheart, and not everyone does survive it. I lost my grandmother to it, and its horrible watching what it does to the person that we love. You couldn't have saved her darling, no matter what you think you should have done. Please understand that. You have to accept that! Some people's bodies are just not strong enough to be able to come back from the horrible damage that cancer wreaks. Please know that. What you did is make your girl HAPPY. You gave her hope, you brought laughter and love into her life, and made her remaining time happy. You gave her something to look forward to. I cannot believe that such a young man could be so kind and so unselfish. You sound like a knight in shining armor. YOU LOVED HER. Trust me, she knew that. Sometimes that's all we can do when someone we love is losing their battle against life. Love them, hold them, make them laugh. Cry with them. I'm sure you did all of those things. Your friend didn't want to see you get hurt, I'm sure that's why he said what he did. But you did what you had to do. And you were magnificent! Please believe that. The Gods and your girl are smiling down upon you. Please PLEASE seek out grief counseling alright? You will never never forget your girl, but you need to go on darling. Don't you think she would want you to love yourself and be happy? Deep down inside, you know she would. So hold your head high, and know you did something really truly wonderful for her, and that you are a fabulous person. Here's a big *HUG* I only wish more people were as kind and as unselfish as you. The world would be a much better place.
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