A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and eight months. We've planned to get married, have children, own a house, and grow old together. We've been through so much together. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, I found out my boyfriend was talking to a girl. The contact name wasn't the girls name, and he lied to me twice about it. He is very uncomfortable with me talking to men, so I've lost all of my relationships with my High School friends and my best friend of 3 years. He basically ruined my prom by showing up and making a scene. Anyway, I'm not like him in that way, as of saying he cannot talk to women. I would want to meet the girl, talk to her, hang out altogether. As long as I trust him and the girl, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I looked on his phone bill, because I was scared and I found out all of this information. The next day he changed his password, and I asked why? he said we wouldn't be together if I kept checking up on him, but I couldn't trust him. He made me believe nothing like this would ever happen. And it did. So I didn't hear from him the whole next day and I was just sitting there getting myself sick over the whole thing. I don't know if he was having sexual relations with this girl, or talking to her, or most importantly lying to me. So i told him we couldn't be together. All he said back was it sucks it turned out like this. A whole week went by, I wasn't fine, I was coping and I was moving on! It was extremely hard, but in my head and heart he was out of my life forever. For good. My family and I are very close, and I told everyone that we broke up and I was going to start doing things for ME. Because I didn't do that before. After that week he came back and he said he was sorry and he made a mistake and he said very sweet things, and he would change. It takes a very long time to change. He said he wanted to fix our relationship. And I didn't know what to do. So afterwards, I have been seeing him, and having sexual relations with him, but I don't know what I want. And if he does so happen to change and I do get back with him and we continue what we had planned, it will hurt everyone that I know, who thought of me as so strong of making this step for myself. We all say I was trapped in a way. You have to also think What mother, father, grandparents, sister, brother, friend wants to see someone they love (ME) hurt and brought down, used, taken advantage of, etc... ?? So how would I tell them I was back with him? It would confuse them, hurt them, and I feel like they would be disappointed in me. I don't know if I can trust him in saying he will change. He still doesn't want me to talk to guys which is fine because I don't really care now, but then what is he going to ask of me, what else will I have to change? It's very confusing. I think I might also have a grudge against him, and that affects me in how I think and feel as well. What should I do in the aspect of if I should be with him, how to tell my family and friends I'm with him, how to get rid of the grudge I have from him breaking my heart numerous times? Please help, because everyday I think and worry and wonder, etc.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): He's nothing but bad news and he'll probably get worse. You should leave him and get on with your life.
But I think you already knew that deep down. What I'm gonna tell you that's different is that YOU are the one who is really wrecking your life now.
You already know what kind of guy he is. He's been demonstrating it for a while now. But what you haven't yet learned is that there is an unlimited number of guys like that out there in the world. You can fall for them, still love them a lot, and they will spend decades wrecking your life anyway. "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on ME."
Like this guy. You'll never make him decent no matter how much of your life you put into him. It's only YOU who are setting yourself up for YOUR life to be wasted here the longer this goes on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): This guy sounds like bad news. I have no doubt in my mind that he is going to hurt you again. Cheat on you again or whatever.
I dont really know how to get over a grudge against somebody who cheats on you. Especially under those circumstances. Like you were not allowed to have guy friends and he made a scene at your prom and you put up with all of this just so that he could turn around and cheat on you. He is a hipocrite. I would never forgive him for that. But don't show your anger to him. Cause I get the feeling that in some strange way he likes it.
As for your family, well you can tell them anything. But I guarantee you that no matter what you tell them or how you explain it to them, if they care about you, they are not going to be happy knowing that you are back together with this guy.
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A
female
reader, bqagirl2692 +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Well, if you admit to yourself and your family that he is holding you back and he has hurt you so many times then why suffer? You realize he is holding you back from life but yet you let life pass you by. Your family cares for you and they want whats best for you. If you really want to continue this life with your boyfriend then your family has the right to know. Simply ask for them to trust you and give him another chance. Ask for some faith. If you dont want to suffer anymore and you know you deserve better then honey, dont wait to long to make the right decision. Think about what is best for YOU. Not for your boyfriend and not for your family. This is YOU we're talkin about here. Think about what makes you happy and what is it that you need. Once you figure that out, explain to the people you love and if they care, they'll have to accept it. Good luck and think wisely for yourself!
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A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (5 December 2007):
Unfortunately your experience is all too common. It seems clear to me that he has been cheating on you with this girl. Deliberately hiding her name in his contacts and so on is not a good sign.
Yes he can change, but only if he wants to for himself. Any change he says that he does just for you is a lie because the moment there is any stress in your relationship he will go back to his former ways.
The best way he can demonstrate that he has changed is to do it (and sustain it) for quite a long time before you let him back in. Possibly you may need some sort of relationship counselling but this will only help if you both go. It only takes one person to break a relationship but two to fix it. So if he is not absolutely committed then it will not work.
It is a case where you need to have your heart ruled by your head. The risk to your own emotional stability is too high otherwise.
Also, before you allow him all the way back into your life and heart you need to decide for yourself what the breaking point is. If he does it again, then make him hit the road and with no going back again.
There is a book by Susan Forward called Emotional Blackmail (and then some long sub title I can never remember) which I found invaluable in identifying the difference between patterns of behaviour and single mistakes. If he has a pattern of behaviour it will destroy you if you let it. If it was really just a single isolated mistake then he could earn your forgiveness. At the very least if you read that book (it is also available on tape) you will have equipped yourself to deal with the situation, both from him and from well meaning family and friends.
Good luck.
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