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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: After years of having sexual problems, I have decided to become celibate. This is due to extreme anxiety and depression before and after sex that stems from emotional and slight sexual abuse. I was never forcibly raped, however, no matter how hard I try, events from the past make it almost impossible for me to enjoy sex. There are times when I do, but most of the time it is me having to talk myself into it, force myself to go through with it. When having sex, I have to repeatedly tell myself to not cry, take deep breaths, and to 'try' to be normal... and it hurts my everyday life. I have extremely low self-worth, depression, cannot trust, ect... My boyfriend has been supportive, well as much as a guy can, but I wonder if I'm being fair. When I read other peoples decisions on the internet it seems as if everyone thinks it is extremely cruel for a woman to abstain from sex after giving it away freely before. But I feel like this is what I need in order to at least try to get over these problems that have been haunting me every since becoming sexually active.Sex has not been something that I purely enjoy ever since my first relationship..that was 7 years ago. I was fifteen and my first partner was emotionally manipulative and abusive. I transfer those feelings onto every partner since then, which leads me to fear them and develop feelings of doubt and lack of trust. I thought at first that with the right guy, I would be able to trust and everything would fall into place. But I have tried so hard and it doesn't matter who I'm with--sex is such a scary thing for me, and almost every act is traumatic. My boyfriend asked if I could still give oral, but I don't think I'm ready for that either. It sounds like a cop-out, but for some reason I always feel that I have to force myself to do these things. I feel as if I don't, my partner will be angry, and I feel extremely terrified and disgusted and guilty after I do any sexual act. Having consistent sex eventually makes me bitter and even afraid of my partner, as well as making me extremely depressed in my everyday life. This is the first time I have stood up for myself, and it felt really good to finally be able to control this aspect of my life. But I'm wondering how fair of me it is to be doing this to someone, as we've had sex throughout our entire relationship and now I am cutting it out.
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (20 December 2012):
 HI
I don't think it is fair to your partner , to expect him to be ok with this at such a young age is not fair. He will either end things himself or stray and neither would be nice for you. Obviously you need to go councelling for your past experience, and I feel you should end things on a mutual agreement so you can sort yourself out. Who knows maybe some day down the line you can both see eachother again.
Mandy x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2012): Yes you have the right to be celibate because you were the victim of abuse and being touched triggers your PTSD. It does sound to me like you have PTSD. Everyone has the right to protect themselves against traumatic experiences. but along with that I think you need to not be in any romantic relationship right now because those kinds of relationships carry the expectation of physical relations and are exclusive meaning that if there's no physical relationship happening between you two, your partner isn't "allowed" to get it elsewhere either. therefore I do think it's best if you end this relationship. it certainly is not going to do you any good to continue the relationship and have to continually re-traumatize yourself over and over to placate your boyfriend, to the point you end up fearing and hating him, or him having to become celibate when he's really not OK with it and then he ends up resenting you or cheating on you.Many married couples can no longer have sex because of changes in medical issues or disabilities. yet some of them still stay together out of loyalty and because their relationship doesn't need the physical aspect to maintain strong emotional bonds. Others separate. In the end it just comes down to whether the relationship between the two people involved is satisfying to each of them. it's just highly individual to the couple involved and trust, honest and open communication is the key. I applaud you for finally standing up for yourself and refusing to allow yourself to be further violated. But I think your boyfriend probably won't agree to celibacy, for reasons to be listed below. so I think you need to end this relationship for your own sake. to be honest, I am aghast that your boyfriend very likely saw that you were suffering from PTSD whenever having sex with him (when you're experiencing PTSD it's really hard to suppress your innate negative reactions let alone fake enjoyment so you MUST have been showing signs of discomfort at the very least), as a repeat occurrence and yet he never voluntarily stopped taking from you instead it fell on YOU to eventually say 'I just can't do it anymore.' it means that every time you forced yourself to give him sex he was only too happy to take it and subject you to PTSD. It means he was happy to use you for his own benefit, at your expense. It means he doesn't see sex as "making love" or intimate bonding instead he prioritizes his own self-satisfaction over your mental health. And even now when you have stood up for yourself and presumably explained to him why you can't have sex he is still pressuring you asking if you would "at least do this/that" when by now he knows very well that you get PTSD doing anything of that sort. I don't have a very high opinion of your boyfriend, to be honest, because he obviously sees sex not as an activity for mutual benefit but as a one-way street for him to benefit by use of his partner. I think that breaking up with him will not be a big loss for you. I think you do need to be celibate at least for the foreseeable future so you can heal from your abuse. You will probably need long-term counseling but even with that you can't heal if you're being continually re-triggered. But because one cannot put a time frame on how long it will take to mentally heal and to what degree, your boyfriend, if he is to stay with you, will have to accept celibacy indefinitely. And already it sounds like he is not the kind who even cares that much about you let alone will be willing to give this up for you.
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A
male
reader, scottmartinez2012  +, writes (18 December 2012):
 I think this relationship has no room to flourish and you must take a break and analyze about what you really want. While every person has the right to embrace their sexuality and celibacy so has your boyfriend his right to continue with his sexual needs and this relationship will only stop him from him getting his desires fulfilled. I am not trying to sound like a sexist but judging from the query the guy has made not a single attempt to understand your situation.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (18 December 2012):
I don't think your boyfriend is the right partner for you.Firstly he doesnt make you feel safe enough to be able to have comfortable or even enjoyable sex with him (even if you dont get any orgasms) Secondly he should have a problem having sex with you when it must be obvious you dont enjoy it. Whether he is prepared to try and work with you is another question, you shouldn't expect him to, but if he does then you need to re-learn together how to enjoy intimacy. Maybe you need to get some professional help. Abstinence alone will not make it better, just hides it. I know people that have had similar problems and then can be overcome so dont give up. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): "When I read other peoples decisions on the internet it seems as if everyone thinks it is extremely cruel for a woman to abstain from sex after giving it away freely before......But I'm wondering how fair of me it is to be doing this to someone, as we've had sex throughout our entire relationship and now I am cutting it out. "
Stop blaming yourself. Yes you do have every right to be celibate in your relationship because this is the only way you can not be traumatized. Your mental and emotional health is far more important than your bf getting his physical needs met because YOUR NEED TO BE SAFE AND NOT TRAUMATIZED is a far more primal survival-type of need. He does not feel like his survival is threatened if he is deprived, but you will be really messed up if he tries to get from you that which you cannot provide. But unfortunately, realize that your bf also has a right to end the relationship if he doesn't want to be celibate, and that may actually be the best option for the both of you.
"When I read other peoples decisions on the internet it seems as if everyone thinks it is extremely cruel for a woman to abstain from sex after giving it away freely before."
No this doesn't apply to you. That is talking about women who are perfectly able but are CHOOSING to with hold from their partners in order to control and manipulate them. That is the total opposite of you. You're not trying to control your bf, you simply cannot with hold that which you don't even have to give freely in the first place. And no, having forced yourself to do it, is NOT the same thing as 'giving freely'. far from it. You should not force yourself as every time you do it under force or pressure you are getting further traumatized.
If it's traumatic for you - and it certainly sounds like it is - then to me it is far more cruel for your bf to want you to re-live trauma just so he can get his pleasure, than for you to want to be celibate. No doubt about that. I cannot even believe your bf would have the gall to try to get you to do anything when he knows how hard it is for you, that is so disrespectful of him. I find that offensive.
OP, I believe that where it comes down to your being able to be trauma-free versus your bf getting his physical needs met, your needs are far more serious and important. Yours are the basic primal "survival" needs, the need to feel safe and not violated. That's far more important than his need for physical intimacy, which people only have the luxury to tend to when they are not in basic survival mode.
Don't let your bf or anyone push you into "getting over it". It's your trauma, and it's your right to choose how you want to deal with it, on your own time frame. Every person processes trauma differently and on different time scales. You do not owe it to your anyone to 'get over it' on their time frame.
However, unfortunately this can very well mean that your bf will eventually choose to leave you so he can have enjoy a physical relationship like many other people. After all, he is not in basic survival mode like you are, he has the freedom and luxury to tend to the 'higher' needs like the need for physical intimacy. There is no one to blame here. You are definitely not to blame, but neither would he be. If this happens, it would just come down to him really wanting something that you cannot provide. It would be cruel for him to force or pressure you to give him that which you can't, at your own expense. So if it does come down to him really wanting a 'normal' physical relationship, then it would probably be best for you two to break up as intimate partners (because there wouldn't be that level of intimacy anyway. What you do not want is for him to cheat on you, to stay with you for the emotional relationship but get his physical needs met elsewhere. Even if right now that may seem OK to you to take pressure off you, it is a minefield. You should tell him to be honest with you if he really 'needs' the physical aspect to the point that he would want to do it with other people.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (17 December 2012):
You have a right to be celibate.
Your boyfriend also has the right to know that you are unable to perform sexually.
I recommend that you see a counselor. You may want your boyfriend to come along so you can discuss celibacy and what it means for you and your relationship.
Do not be surprised if celibacy is a dealbreaker for your boyfriend. He does not have negative emotions associated with sexual relations like you do. He will likely want to seek a conventional romantic relationship at some point in the future.
You must do what is best for you and he must do the same for himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): It's not matter of fairness OP but a matter of wanting to fix this.
Have you considered getting professional help?
The only thing I would see as unfair is to not want to try and bring sex back into the relationship and expect him to be happy with not having a sexual relationship with you ever again, or so limited that it's not worth doing or even now that he knows make it's a thing that makes him feel guilty for wanting it.
he sounds very supportive OP and he sounds like he can be patient but I would go seek help because it's most likely not possible for him to have a romantic relationship with you without sex, that's not what he signed up for and you know that. He has his needs too and if your need for no sex clashes with his need for sexual fulfilment then it's unlikely this is going to have a future.
In that case you'd be better off finding a guy who you're open with from the start.
Go get help OP, you're not a bad person and you're not wrong to stop doing something that causes you so much pain. But if you completely shut down and just never want sex again then he's unlikely to be able to handle that. It's going to be very tough as it is to be able to get into the mood again knowing it may cause you anguish.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Of course you are not obligated to provide sex. Does your boyfriend know that every time you have sex it feels like reliving rape? I doubt he'd be too happy to hear that.
You need to get yourself into counseling so that you can try to recover from what happened. That may mean being on your own for awhile is the best option for you.
Calling you selfish or horrible is pretty extreme, you're not punishing anyone and it's "horrible" for people to pressure you to do things that are traumatizing for you by calling you selfish. It sounds like you may have PTSD and that is a really serious mental condition that you will need help to get through. Getting help does not involve mandatory intercourse.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Of course you have a right to be celibate - but you don't have the right to expect your boyfriend to just roll over and willingly accept that.
Sex is a very important part of a normal healthy relationship, especially when you love someone. You are going to have an extremely difficult time finding a man who will commit to a sexless relationship - and it is selfish of you to expect anyone to.
You really do need to be shingle and in therapy. You recognize what your problem is, and where it stems from. So instead of expecting your boyfriend to pay the price for what some other guy did when you were fifteen- take some responsibility and get help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): In relationships, you are supposed to discuss things and make decisions together in matters which affect both partners. It is fine to decide for YOURSELF that you wish to be celibate. It is not fine for you to decide for your partner that he, too, must now be celibate.I think you must, to be fair to him, end the relationship and allow him to have the sort of relationship he wants and, until now, has had.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 December 2012):
 It is 100% unfair if you have had sex with your boyfriend before. If you met him and told him from the start you were celibate, it would be his choice to keep on dating you or not. However you have led him on, by having sex with him for your entire relationship only to take it away now. Sex is a hugely important part of a relationship that cannot just be taken away, either it isnt ther right from the start, or you work through your issues and keep on having sex.
If your boyfriend said after you take sex away that he wants to leave he will be judged for being shallow and sex-obsessed, but if he stays he will be miserable for the rest of his life. He is in a no-win situation, destined to be unhappy because of your selfish act.
I appreicate you have issues and it must be very difficult for you, but you need to seek professiona help from a therapist - not having sex isnt going to make the emotional issues go away.
From the sounds of things you have not experienced any sexual abuse, you experienced emotional abuse when you were 15 which has caused you not to trust men. Because of this lack of trust you dont enjoy sex with any man - so sex isnt the problem at all, it is your lack of trust for all mankind. I think you are using your hatred of sex as an excuse to avoid your problems, you are telling yourself that you hate sex in order to get away from intimacy, where opening up and trusting a man is neccessary. Because you are disgusing your real emotional issues with this fantasy sex problem you have created, you are thus avoiding the actual issue. It is quite clear that sex isnt the real problem because you have admitted you have enjoyed sex before, it is not a hatred of sex 100% of the time.
So becoming celibate would only make the issue worse, you would be sweeping your issues under the carpet, avoiding all intimacy further enhacing your problems getting close to men. You would be building a huge barrier between you and your boyfriend (or any other man you meet) that neither of you would be able to take down.
You need professional help to deal with your issues, celibacy wont give you the results you want.
I think the wisest thing you can do is end your relationship, you are not even close to being ready emotionally to be with a man. Let your boyfriend go so he can be happy, and take time out to learn to be alone and work on yourself. It sounds like if you have been in relationships since the age of 15, then you have been jumping from one relationship to the next, never giving yourself the time you need to be single and learn to work on yourself. The only way you can grow and overcome issues is by being alone, that way you have to confront them head on, taking a good hard look at yourself and learning to cope with your issues alone. With a man in your life you will always have a crutch to lean on in an emotional sense, and someone to blame for your problems too.
Have regular therapy sessions, spend at least 6 months alone and then re-evaluate life from there. You can be celibate for those 6 months and see if it helps, and you wont be making anyone else unhappy in the process. At least that way if you do decide celibacy is the way forward, you can meet a man who is ok with that from the start, rather than taking sex away from him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I don't think it's very fair of you to choose to be celibate while in a relationship.
IF you want to be celibate that's fine. You have to choose to be single as well or find a partner that does not want sex.
Otherwise you are not being fair to your partner.
Of course your partner asking for oral but not sex is not being fair to you.
I would strongly suggest that you get some professional counseling to help work through your issues about sex which to be honest is a normal and natural function of an adult relationship.
To choose to be celibate in this world is to choose to probably not have a normal adult romantic relationship. IF you wish to do so and are ok with that that's fine. BUT you have to be totally honest with your partner about this and be prepared to have most men refuse to have a relationship on those terms.
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