A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been having sex with this girl for a while. We jumped into bed together really from the start of things, but that was really the only quick thing about it. She for almost a yr never entertained the idea of her on top or doggie, she just laid there, even fell asleep with me in her twice and once while going down on me. She only wold have sex at the end of the day when we are going to bed anyways and for the longest time couldn't get turned on because of a super tight vagina and emotional baggage from a previous relationship. Those things are all fixed now and sex has gotten a little better except that i still dont feel that it is exciting enough fro me and i cant finish.I have talked to her about trying different position, i have gotten one of these sex wedge pillows so that she will be comfortable trying them, and incorporating toys into sex. She is very quick to shoot down anything that she is not already familiar with, and she refuses to do any research herself because she is afraid people will see it on her computer. I think she is game to trying new positions, but toys are another thing. I have asked her about trying anal but she just gets all grossed out and tells me that if that's something I want, then i should go find another girl to do it to. i know she isn't serious about the other girl thing. She says that its disgusting and it will hurt her. I the idea of it really turns me on and i think that it would help me finish, but i respect her wishes of not wanting to do it. She wont even let me go near it during foreplay, or if i go down on her. Im asking if anyone knows a way for me to get her to consider it more open mindedly or maybe try it. I wouldn't just ram in there i would use lots of lube and work my way in with a finger and toy first.
View related questions:
foreplay, vagina Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Get the Kama Sutra... It might inspire the both of you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kama_Sutra
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): well if you do try it, seriously reaserch it. i made a mistake @ 14 and tryed it. hurt like a b****. and i only tried it cause i was asked.. make sure you inlude wat you both want because regret messes you up.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I think that sounds like a good idea. Im not saying you wont ever get anal sex, but anal sex is just jumping a bit ahead if you know what I mean. It is a type of extreme sport in sex, where you and your girlfriend are barely able to hike up a mountain, let alone go parachuting. Get the first basic steps worked in right, like you being able to enjoy sex as well at the same time as her, different positions, different places perhaps, trying different styles, passionate, slow, etc, just variate with what feels safe for now and push it a bit further slowly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realize that the past post sounds a bit harsh. by brute i more of along the lines of just waited till her mood was whiling and i also did talk with her about how i would do it and how it would feel. I have also never used alcohol to increase my sexually anything or decrease her resistance. That one night was, yes, maybe inappropriate, but not forceful in any way.
I have given up on anal. I would never try to force that. I was only looking for things that might be different from our current routine. Im just going to talk with her about different positions we both might find fun.
Neither of us are as fucked up as some have proclaimed either. Yes she had bad previous experiences and yes im new to the whole sex thing. She is not a walking bumbling mess and im not a conceited prick. In fact she has praised how patient i have been with her and how safe she feels with me.
I apologize for any offense i have caused to some of you folk.
For the record i have experimented anally with my self and found it to be enjoyable if done right, but am not going to force it on her. The only reason i pushed oral so much was because she was so terrified that penetration would hurt that she actually get so dry that the lube and condom would dry up in under 5 minutes and when she finally let me down there she loved it and realized that it was silly to be afraid of it. I understand that anal and oral are different animals and that anal has much more to factor in.
im just going to let this die for now. Ill just stick with new positions for now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Okay, so here we have a woman who was basically raped by her ex. She is shy and not confident when it comes to sex. Doesn't want the light on. Has to be tricked into certain sex acts or so drunk her inhibitions are drowned in alcohol.
We also have here a guy who cannot reach orgasm in vaginal intercourse. He is able to orgasm and ejaculate solo but cannot do so even with the help of alcohol. He has decided that only anal sex with an unwilling, unconfident, previously abused and cheated on ex-girlfriend is the answer.
The real problem is that you have a sexual problem. You cannot reach orgasm. This isn't her problem, her fault or hers to solve. The problem is yours and you need to figure it out without having to force anal sex on a previously abused, reluctant and unhappy EX girlfriend.
If you were in a committed and solid relationship, I'd suggest that you work on just being close and building trust. But since you're basically FWB, I think you are unlikely to solve YOUR sexual problem by forcing your penis into her rectum. You have moreissues going on than that. And so does she.
In the past, I've suggested that men who want to try anal experience it themselves, as they have an anus and it can be penetrated by dildo. I suggest that they work out a reasonable anal/penile diameter ratio that would correspond with what they are proposing their female partner experience. In other words, what goes in your anus should reflect the experience she would have if something were inserted in her anus. You can get a good idea of this by looking at your stool in the toilet. Hers will likely be a great deal smaller than yours, just based on male/female anatomy.
Surprisingly, none of the male posters who want to have anal sex with a reluctant female partner ever come back and say "what a great idea! If I expect her to do it, I should be willing to experience it myself!"
I would lay off pushing anal sex on this woman unless you want to be one of the issues she has to get over when she finally gets into therapy. It's not her fault you can't cum. It probably isn't yours either but you don't need to inflict any more trauma on an already damaged psyche. Oh, and for the record, there is a great deal of difference between being surprised by a warm wet tongue on the vulva and having a large object shoved into an unprepared and unwilling anus.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Since she's gifted with a set of equipment that enables her to enjoy sex without opening that particular door, and she's indicated that the answer is a firm 'no' (at least for the time being, and prob for a lot longer than that - almost all girls I know wouldn't dream of it) the answer's probably going to be 'no' for a good while yet.
I don't doubt that you're honest and genuine and wouldn't hurt her for your weight in gold, but "I have realized that sometime I have to just stage a brute force attack o her walls that she has put up"....
oh god NO you don't! Brutish is nice, caveman is nice (within reason), but NOT without being invited in the first place. A 'brute force attack' without the full willing consent of the person you propose to inflict it on sounds VERY dodgy. In the absence of her wanting it, you need to accept that it's just not on. Please try to enjoy and appreciate what you HAVE got with her, or I can see you breaking up and maybe being heartbroken and STILL not getting what you're clearly after.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 December 2010):
I didn't ask if you go down on her thinking you are selfish dear. I was more thinking up the lines of insecure women will hardly let a man go down on them, and will have problems with reaching climax. If you can get her to do that then you have moved a good step ahead.
...............................
A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (16 December 2010):
I understand your desire to try anal because it can be a fantastic sensation (always wear a condom of course and use plenty lube ) but the fact is she's said no and I would definitely drop the subject for a few months.
Meanwhile you could concentrate on your other issue which sounds more basic, about not orgasming when you are in her vagina.
If you can orgasm when you are masturbating on yr own then it can't be a physiological problem......
So what is the psychological issue ?
Perhaps the whole fact that you are just not on the same wavelength in terms of sexual desires and even needs..... so you seem to be devoting all your attention to trying to please her rather than yourself. All very well thinking about yr partner's needs..... but sex has its selfish side too.
Personally I think you will remain incompatible sexually [ I don't think it's just an anal thing - lots of girls say no to that one but w/o trying to make you out to be a criminal for even wanting it - ] and you should consider taking up her suggestion that you try other girlfriends..... not that they are necessarily going to offer up their ass..... but they might be less inhibited in a more general sense.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, i know what a lot of people think about this but she was my girlfriend, then we broke it of do to be too different from each other and we were just going to be friends until we both got drunk at a party one night and ended up having sex, ironically the best sex we have ever had (still didn't finish). The next morning she told me that she really liked it and actually enjoyed the fact that it was a random hookup way more that when we were going out. She basically she wanted me to be her FWB until either of us meet someone else. I go on and off with whether or not it is a good idea and we have only meet up again 2 times since then.
to answer your other question, by finish i mean ejaculate and orgasm. When i masturbate i have no problem with this but during sex i do. I have already tried not masturbating for up to a week and more before sex and nothing. Hell, ive gone into sex with a ragging case of blue balls and nothing happens, in fact i dont even precum during sex, get hard a a rock but nothing ever comes out
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 December 2010):
A couple more questions. You say you've been "having sex with this girl for a while." Do you call her your girlfriend, or is she just someone you have sex with?
Second, you say that you are having problems "finishing." Does this mean you cannot reach orgasm yourself? When you masturbate, do you reach climax and ejaculate? How often do you ejaculate, per day or per week?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno, i realize that its because she is tired, i was just stating that im not trying to come across as selfish and that i give her lots of attention and pleasure
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 December 2010):
This is a classic case about insecurity around sex. I want to add in that after orgasm you will feel very relaxed and calm, and it is easy to fall asleep. This is just normal and natural, she's not falling asleep on you on purpose, it's just how the body works.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys. I know it sounds Luke I'm trying to force her bur I'm not. If she dead against it I have no problem dropping the subject. I only ask because since she is kind of reserved sexually and is very in chrage type o person. I have realized that sometime I have to just stage a brute force attack o her walls that she has put up. For example she saw me going down on her as disgusting and gross and not feeling good so a few time without telling her I just slipped down there when I was just supposed to be fingering her and after about the third time she gave in and had rupturing orgasms from it and now she loves when I go down there. I give her three orgasms every time we have sex and always male sure she has a great time. I meen after she just collapses on top of me and falls asleep. I'm just trying to ease her I to doing things that get me all excited and eventually lead to me having and orgasm. Trust me this is about some of my wants but she is still getting plenty from me. I told her it might help if we have some light during sex so I can see her but he says she can enjoy it if I'm lookin at her. She says she feels wierd She also always covers us up in the sheets when we have sex. And for whoever asked. She was not abused by friends or family but her ex bf used to just fuck her and got mad when she told him it hurt and then her got caught cheating on her three times and just like her Cus she was Asian and them found another Asian girl to fuck when he whent to college
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 December 2010):
No means no, dude...
...............................
A
male
reader, turbine  +, writes (16 December 2010):
She is not abnormal in any way. Try shoving something as big as your own penis in your own anus and see for how long you can enjoy it.
If she doesn't enjoy anal sex dont force her.
You seem to be very understanding with her. If you've stuck up with her for so long then you must wait till she agrees for all kinds of positions. Try spicing up the things with other things like stockings or sexy shoes etc.
I'm sure your sex life is not as boring as you make it sound here. And I'm sure it'll get better with time.
...............................
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Your girlfriend isn't even into new positions and you want her to try anal?
Your girlfriend sounds pretty reserved in the bedroom, very shy, almost like she has some intimacy issues and it's hard to get someone to jump from new positions straight into anal.
I would leave the anal issue alone for now and work on getting her to try other things sexually before I would approach the subject of anal. New positions. Different styles and possibly even role playing.
On the other hand, you may never get her to try anal as some women and even men are completely 100% against it. You sound like a nice guy, so take it slow with your girlfriend and if there are things she just absolutely wants nothing to do with, then you're going to have to respect her wishes or find someone who is willing to do that sort of thing with you.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 December 2010):
Forget about the anal sex. The only reason you want that now is because she's told you she doesn't want it. Imagine if she was laying like a dead beat while you do her anal, it'd be just as boring and unexciting as vaginal sex. So I do not think that will solve anything, especially as she's opposed to it!
Find something that triggers her interest a little bit more. As for the baggage she came with from past relationship, which made her uncomfortable during sex, Im afraid that's what you're still dealing with! Someone placed some sort of stigma on her and now she's ashamed of sex, hence why she won't go search things online or try toys. And this logically also includes new positions as she's barely confident about sex enough to let you touch her, but actively joining in herself seems to be something she's not allowing herself to.
This girl is struggling. Forcing anal on her is not going to do the trick. In worst case scenario the experience will make her retract into how she was when you first had sex... You want her to open up to things and accept her sexuality and teach her how to love it, you don't want her to withdraw into some shell where she can say "groze!" at anything sexual.
Of course, this is only a guess. It could be the problem lies elsewhere. But you have some serious work ahead of you if you want to make her be more open about things, and it will be a long road, and you will need to be very patient. May I suggest you try minor changes at first? Forget about toys, you need to make her start moving her body during sex. Does she allow you to go down on her? Have you given her an orgasm? Does she move her hips while you are on top in the traditional missionary? Could you move her legs while in missionary? For example have her legs closed, the normal option being her legs are spread. Or lift her knees up to your chest. Variate with the position she's familiar with. I think thats the first step. Completely new poses can be left for later.
Buy a book on sex positions and look through it together, or practice the positions with your clothes on to see what would be comfortable/possible for you. Make it your goal to have her interested in one new position... Do not make it your goal that she will turn crazy about all sorts of sex. Like I said this will take time and patience. One step at a time.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 i'd recommend you try to alter your desires since it's not your anus being 'assaulted' Some like it some don't get over it. It's not that big a deal anyway. just tighter. How your partner feels is way more important than how you feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 December 2010):
Was she in a physically abusive relationship in the past? Was she abused by a family member or family friend in the past?
...............................
A
female
reader, suzycheesecake +, writes (16 December 2010):
You may want to start with allowing HER to arouse you anally...even just her finger (with lube) is exciting for a guy. Doing something similar to her won't seem so strange (hopefully). Gradually work your way up to something about the size of your pe***. Remember, NEVER go from anal back to vaginal....bad bacteria !
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Hm. It's important for sexual 'philosophies' if you will to more or less agree in any intimate relationship. It is really a shame your girl is being close- minded about sex and uncomfortable with experimentation. It sounds like you are very negatively affected by this and unsatisfied... unfortunately, I don't see how you might convince her if she's already displayed such distaste for the idea. I don't know how very long you'll stay contented in this relationship if she is not one for negotiation, being open to your side of things, not just about the "anal". People who are very unsatisfied and frustrated sexually must continue to try to connect, let their feelings be known, try for change; both must be considerate and generous or else be lacking in a very important aspect of love and life!
Rock and hard place for you, I'm sorry... if less "blah" understandably means a lot to you, and she refuses to help you out a bit, you'll probably start feeling creeping urges to find someone more compatible.
Try, try again to you, and to her- try it all once, be nice, be trusting, you might find you love it or learn to...
Tante Vic
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Well, if she's a little on the 'frigid' side, throwing the suggestion of anal her way probably won't encourage her to try new things. It's probably the most non-frigid thing a girl can do. She sounds like she needs to loosen up though... Trying new things is what a sexual relationship is about. It can make you closer, keep the excitement and passion going. Maybe you need to convince her to trust you. Say that you respect her, love her and only want to feel more intimate with her by trying new things. You feel like you're giving everything to make the sexual bond/closeness in the relationship work and you feel like she's giving nothing back. Affection should be mutual. You need comprimise for anything to work really and she needs to meet you half way. It's not fair you giving up what you want just because it's not what she wants. There has to be a middle ground somewhere.I'm not sure, dude. It sounds like she has some issues with sex or with letting herself go with someone else in such a personal way. Like trust issues. But, if that's the case it's not your fault. Just try explaining how you feel that you don't get anything back from her and it's making you feel insecure about how she feels about you. You care about her and don't want to pushed away and to just give you a chance. It's not fair you being disappointed and pushed out for no reason other than her apparent selfishness and narrow-minded approach to sex.And you really should try and get her to do doggy... if she did her opinion about it would definately change!All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Your girlfriend is quite catuious about sex yet here you are, trying to get her to do anal sex. Actually a lot of women do not like anal sex and will not try it. I am one of them, if she doesn't want to do it then you must accept and respect her wishes. Work on the other stuff not anal sex
...............................
|
