A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to tell the father of my child how I really feel about him but I’m petrified that he won’t feel the same because of the age gap. I’m 30 whereas he’s only 24. It’s honestly a situation I’d never imagined I’d find myself in with him.He was just a sleazy one night stand at first. We met at a club 2 years ago. After my ex dumped me he said some horrible things and made me feel so low. I was never one for sleeping around but I literally jumped on the first man who showed me a bit of attention on a night out with friends, which I know is really shallow and desperate. And at 28 I really should have known better. I suppose I paid the price for it as I ended up pregnant, but it turned out to be a blessing as I gave birth to the most gorgeous, amazing daughter. I’ll be honest; I didn’t expect him to stick around. After I told him I was pregnant I thought he’d run a mile or insist I have an abortion but he didn’t.He said he’d support me and do his bit, even though we barely knew each other. And he has. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better Dad to my daughter. Beforehand we lived on opposite sides of Manchester in England but he moved to within 2 miles of me to be closer to us both, bought loads of stuff for the baby and was there at the birth. Since then he’s always paid his way and has her for 2 days as well as working full time. The only time he’s ever missed his days with her is when he had Covid last year so obviously had to isolate. Before I simply saw him as nothing more than my daughter’s Dad but just seeing how much he dotes on her has made me develop proper feelings for him in the last few months. He’s been out with other girls since we met and it never bothered me before but now it does. He’d been seeing a girl recently and I felt insanely jealous. I can’t tell you how happy I felt when he told me things with her had fizzled out. He’s currently single now and I’m in two minds about whether I tell him how I feel.On the one hand I know it would make my daughter so happy in the long run if we were a proper family. But on the other hand he’s never really shown much interest in me. I’ve also changed since childbirth. I’m not as skinny as I used to be having not shifted my baby weight, though I have found the motivation to join a gym and finally lose it so that’s a work in progress. But it’s other thing like my boobs being saggier and the stresses and strains of being a mother making me age that I can’t really do anything about. I do also wonder just how compatible we’d actually be given the age gap. He’s still into nightclubbing and going on the lash with his mates when he’s not on childcare duties, whereas I’ve moved on from all that and would rather spend a cosy night in with a bottle of wine. I admit I lied to him the other day. I was dressed up ready to go out for a meal with one of my friends when he came round to pick our daughter up for his days with her and I pretended I was going on a date just to gauge his reaction, which wasn’t much to be honest. Or at least not what I’d hoped anyways. He barely even seemed to bat an eyelid and just told me I looked nice and to have a good time. Not sure if he was being genuine or just being courteous.Am I just wasting my time?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 August 2021):
 It sounds like you don't really spend much time together, so your worry about your compatibility is completely understandable. It sounds like you are both busy being parents and that is all you currently see in each other.
I have never been a big fan of suddenly declaring feelings to others when you are not sure of your ground. Instead, why not invite him to have tea with you and his daughter, or have a trip out together as a family somewhere? Actually spending time together will help you better assess whether you could be compatible.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): I had feelings for my daughters father for years until I finally bit the bullet and told him how I felt and he said there was no way he would ever reconcile with me. I was heartbroken but then after a couple of weeks I began to actually move on because I had closure.
I don't know what the outcome will be for you but if you dont ever say anything you will continue to secretly want him and it will block you being open to meeting someone else. I think you should tell him how you feel, maybe not face to face but a letter, email or text and from that you will know where you stand. Best of luck and its lovely that he did stand up to his dad duties, kudos to him
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 August 2021):
 He sounds rather responsible for a 24-year-old!
Instead of playing games (such as dressing up and telling him you are going on date) talk to him, maybe ask him if he wants to do a "family" outing with the wee one.
I wouldn't blurt it out. I would try and spend time together and get to know him better.
You had a one-night's bang and made a baby together. That doesn't mean you would make a good couple.
" I do also wonder just how compatible we’d actually be given the age gap."
Of course, you do. You don't REALLY know who he is, other than you DO know he is hard-working, responsible, but also that he is into clubbing and hanging out with mates.
I'd say see if you can spend time together IN person doing things ( not sex) and see how well you mesh.
Telling him would be an option. But I think you might feel really hurt when HE doesn't have the same "fantasy" of a happy little family.
I agree with Anonymous 123 when she says don't fear if you tell him and he rejects the idea. That just means you will know HE is not the one for you long term. He is and always will be your child's father.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 August 2021):
 I can feel your emotions through your post and I wish I could just give you really big hug right now!
I feel you should tell this guy what you feel about him. You stand nothing to lose and at least you'll have a load off your chest. The saddest part in all of this would be your greatest fear...what if he says no. But you know what, each ending is the beginning of a new beginning. It's the part of the process of moving on. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, you know that you will always have the comfort of the knowledge that your daughter has a wonderful father with her.
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