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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I was woken up this morning by the sound of a vibration in the room. It sounded like a notifivatiom on a phone set to silent and vibrate. It went off twice. One vibration after the other. But loud enough to wake me up. I checked my phone and my husband's phone and there were no notifications on either device. But I KNOW what I heard. It woke me up from a sound sleep. I asked my husband about it and he said he had no idea what the sound was. And said it could be anything and to not make a big deal out of it. He even looked around the room to see what it could be. He always wakes up early while I am still asleep and reads. Every morning he is awake well before me. I have no idea what he is doing because I'm asleep and trust that he is reading. But he always falls back asleep after reading for awhile every morning. It seems off. I am now wondering if he has another phone he is hiding and keeping on vibrate to communicate with someone else while I'm asleep in the morning. He is usually awake pretty early every morning. That is the only time he has to himself.Of course he denies it and blames it all on my anxiety but how do I know for sure? I want to know if he's doing things to hurt me behind my back. Being in touch with another woman, even if he thinks it's harmless or meaningless is a deal breaker for me. I want to know the truth instead of carrying on feeling like a nervous wreck and a shell of my former happy and confident self. He has been making me feel uneasy lately.Can anyone suggest how I can find out what he is up to? I don't want to end a long term relationship without any hard proof but at the same time the anxiety of not trusting him (and ALWAYS seeing things which cause the anxiety) is destroying me in all ways. I know it sounds like I'm the one with the problem but if only you knew what I've gone through. There are so many things that keep popping up when it concerns my husband. And he's always minimized them, found plausible explanations or blamed my anxiety. I try to be at peace here but it seems every single day something he does escalates my anxiety and I have an emotional meltdown. I am so exhausted. And feeling depressed and I have a child who depends on me.I feel trapped. I stay because of my love for him but the anxiety makes it impossible to allow myself to be vulnerable and I am constantly monitoring everything he says and does. I am always on high alert. I am very unhappy and hate the person I've become. :( I used to be happy, fun and carefree as well as extremely confident. But now I feel lost. He keeps saying it is all in my head and that my anxiety makes me believe he's cheating but it's not what's happening. I don't know for sure though. I fear he could be gaslighting me. I have told him so many times that if he is so unhappy with me that he is now messaging someone else behind my back that he should leave and go and be with her. I would rather he tells me the truth and be up front than going behind my back, continuing to systematically destroy me by hurting me and denying that he's doing anything wrong. I am uneasy with him because he cheated in a previous relationship. He explained what happened and I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know that not all cheaters are repeat offenders and sometimes people make mistakes. I understand if someone learns from that mistake, never to repeat it. But I am not sure if he really meant what he said about the one time he cheated or that he has a problem with cheating and he will repeat the behaviour when things get hard. Well things have been hard lately with my anxiety. He insists my anxiety is causing problems where no problems exist. And I insist I keep seeing things that keep happening that trigger my anxiety, which leads me to worry he is cheating and then I have a melt down. I am tired of these melt downs every day. Why can't I be at peace? Why can't I be happy? Why do these things keep happening to trigger my anxiety? At what point will I know for sure if I am losing my mind or if he really IS cheating behind my back? And I consider messaging another woman without my knowledge cheating. I told him if he wants to messsage another woman, tell me about it. Be honest and transparent. Do it out in the open. It is the worst place to be in. Worrying he's cheating is destroying everything GOOD about me. The more neurotic I become and the more I pull away due to what I fear he is potentially doing behind my back, the more he runs towards this person (if they really do exist??) I just can't win. I feel like I'm set up to fail.I need to know what to do now. I'm almost at the end of my rope. I fear a breakdown is coming. I don't want to lose this man. You see, he has been a good guy and has treated me well but he also has a side of him that isn't a good guy. That side makes me uneasy. Like he has extreme anger. He has thrown a pillow at me in anger, almost threw his phone through a car windshield in anger. He throws things in anger. Gets right up to my face in anger. Ripped his shirt off in anger. He is controlling and I feel he thinks he is entitled to whatever he wants. I stay for his good qualities but the bad are causing me great stress.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): You heard a vibrating phone that was set to silent. Stop questioning your state of mind and start questioning the hidden phone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): Everything you say means you should not be with this person. Instead of analysing every thought and move they make and trying to account for every second of his time end the relationship and get therapy to help you become a whole person with confidence so that another person will want you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2021): My phone rings or buzzes so often, I can hear phantom-rings and buzzes all the time! Nobody can tell you where the sound came from; unless you have neighbors above, or next to you. You can hear phones go-off through the walls, floor, or ceiling; if you live in an apartment building, stacked townhouse-condominium, or multi-family dwelling with thin walls.
If you live full of anxiety and insecurity; your anxiety and imagination is going to get the better of you. Your post seems very anxious and desperate. Maybe it is time to see your therapist.
If your husband is so controlling and cruel, why do you love him so much? You contradict yourself and create confusion from one paragraph to the next.
How do you love somebody like this:
"You see, he has been a good guy and has treated me well but he also has a side of him that isn't a good guy. That side makes me uneasy. Like he has extreme anger. He has thrown a pillow at me in anger, almost threw his phone through a car windshield in anger. He throws things in anger. Gets right up to my face in anger. Ripped his shirt off in anger. He is controlling and I feel he thinks he is entitled to whatever he wants. I stay for his good qualities but the bad are causing me great stress."
If he's that much of a chameleon and shape-shifter; he's not a good-person.
If his behavior is making you sick; then you have to decide what's best for your mental-health and well-being. You can't be so in-love with somebody you don't trust, or fear. That doesn't make any sense. If we had to go-by what you describe in your post; he's driving you to madness.
I think he might be right, but not necessarily in a good-way. Your anxiety does seem to be out-of-control; maybe fueled by jealousy and insecurity to some extent, but further complicated by his aggressive and abusive-behavior. He knows you have anxiety-issues; and he may be using them against you. Even gaslighting you, to further exacerbate your mental-health disorder. You can't judge anybody, or accuse him of anything; because you hear the sound of a phone-vibration. Yet you haven't found the source of the sound you hear. All you've got is theory or suspicion. No facts or evidence, other than he cheated in the past...in another relationship!!! Know this, and suffering from anxiety-disorder; yet you married him.
That sound could all be in your head; but there may be other attributing factors. Like distrust! Maybe your subconscious-mind is trying to tell you that you've remained in a toxic-relationship too long; and the trauma and abuse is beginning to get the better of you. You can't remain in such an unhealthy-environment; until you either unravel, or dive into despair and depression. The cheater's most convenient weapon against you can be your mental-illness, and/or your insecurities.
Go see your therapist immediately! You might need a change of meds, or another course of therapy. You may definitely need some trauma-counseling; if you're living with an abusive-husband, but don't know how to get yourself out of that environment. There is no-way you're seeing a therapist on a regular basis; while living in an abusive-marriage. Yet your therapist has no idea you're being mentally or physically-abused; unless you just go only for the meds, and don't tell him/her what you're telling us. Something is off!
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