A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a masochist and I learned that I like bdsm. I mentioned the subject to my mom and asked what she thought and she told me that if I liked that stuff she'd send me to a doctor to get checked out. I dot think there's anything wrong with me. But I want to talk with her about it and stuff cause she's my mom and I feel like she should know but she doesn't like the idea. So I've lied and said I didn't like it and I was just curious. I've had some experiences with guys and I came home with bruises an I was too nervous to show her and wore jeans and long sleeved shirts until they faded. I'm scared that she'll find out and get mad at me. I can't help who I am and if I like things rough than that's it. But I want her approval because we're close and it means a lot to me. How do I broach this subject with my mom or dad without getting a huge therapy appointment and 24/7 watch? I'm not getting really hurt and it's not like I'm getting abused; it's consensual so what do I do?! Hanks for your help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Even if you like bdsm you don't need to get bruised up. I too question if the person you are playing these games with know what they are doing, because there shouldn't be bruises so visible to the public. People who are into bdsm don't walk around looking like they've been beaten up.
The person who is doing these things to you sounds more like he's taking full advantage of you and doesn't care how you look afterwards. If you are into playing sexual games of this nature, safety always comes first. That means you take the very best care of your partner, and never do anything that risk their health or is potentially dangerous.
For example, if handcuffs are used for play, these should always be possible for the person in the cuffs to remove. This is a matter of safety, what if something was to happen to the person without cuffs? And the only one who could call 911 was unable to because they are handcuffed?
Same thing goes with bruises. If these bruises will get you into trouble then your partner shouldn't be leaving those bruises. There are several ways to play this game, and if he wants to leave bruises he needs to leave them at places where it won't be visible.
Read up on your own fetish and figure out how others do it, and what you can do to improve your own games.
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Could you...refrain from indulging your fetish until you've moved out? Better for all concerned, don't you think?
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A
female
reader, kylieekristina +, writes (24 May 2011):
 hmmmm wow your in high school and have already determined what you are into sexually? and so much that the bruises are so noticable that your worried what people may think. maybe i don't know enough about bdsm to comment but it seems to me being so young I wonder who got you into this type of sexual style and do they know what they are doing. I've met people into s and m and never saw excess bruising or signs of abuse. It seems you may be reaching out for help without realizing it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still in high school. It's my last year. My mom sees me when I'm home and she is worried that I'm getting abused. I need to explain to her that I'm not before someone calls for a therapist to be brought in or something. That's why.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 You seriously need to learn boundaries. The fact that you get off on BDSM is something your parents don't want to know. Seriously.
How would you like it if your mom started telling you how she liked it when your dad whips her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 I totally agree with Chigirl.
You seem to be confusing being close to your parent with crossing healthy boundaries unnecessarily.
It's good that your mom knows you are sexually active and that you could ask her advice about sex and relationships in general, but there's no need to share all the private, intimate details. She is your mother, not your high school best pal; as close as you may be , there is, and there must be, a difference in role, function and expectations. So please don't go discussing with your mom ,say, the best blow job techniques for giving the best orgasms, she does not want to know yours and you don't need to know hers.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 May 2011):
I'm sorry, but you're a grown woman now. Your mother and you can stay close, but your sex life is none of her business and she doesn't want to know about it! It's your private business. Do you want to know about your mothers sex life??
You can't force her to listen to it when she doesn't want to hear about it. Remain close, but keep your sex life to yourself. Don't try to force the details on her, she doesn't want to know. So leave it at that. Respect her wishes.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (23 May 2011):
I can see her side of it. I really can. If she feels her baby is getting hurt (no matter how much you enjoy it) she WILL be concerned. BDSM is a dangerous fetish to have after all and would be considered as deviant behavior by most people, and who's to say they're wrong?
I have my own fetishes - I love to be gangbanged - and I know I'd never tell my mother about it for the same reason - she'd jump to conclusions, think I was harming myself or needed therapy or something....
Look I don't know the right and wrong of it. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes Mom's dont want to know. Mine doesn't want to know my idea of a good start to an evening is one where I'm kneeling in the center of a room with at least 6 guys around. Yours may begin with you in chains and nipple clamps - your mother doesn't want to know either.
Does she need to know? I'm not sure. Your fetish IS potentially dangerous, mine isn't. Your mother would be right to be concerned and what she would do in that situation would be what she thought was best for you. If it's possible to tell her that you don't expect to ever get hurt doing what you do but if you do, you want her to be aware...maybe have an emergency number in place?
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