A
female
age
51-59,
*uropa819
writes:I have been with my husband for almost 24 yrs. We are highschool sweethearts. We've been married for 14. We have a 20yr old son. This last yr he found me flirting with a guy online. He took it upon himself to find his own affair with a 24 yr old girl whom now is 3 months pg with his child. I am so confused, mad, hurt, broken. When I found out about the affair, we talked and I forgave him. Then at the beginning of the yr...she called and said she was pg and is keeping the baby. Now he feels he has to talk to her and stay in touch with her to help her. I feel sorry for the both of them. They have ruined their lives. I love him so much and I know Ive pushed him into this. I want to stick by him but I dont think I can handle them being in contact with each other, knowing she is in love with him. He is all I know and I am so afraid of being without him. I dont know life without him. But I dont want to look like a fool and thats how i feel. Do I want to start a new life without him...(for myself) or do I want to stick by him through good and bad? I do love him so much and dont want to leave him. I just dont think I have it in me to do this. I'm 40yrs old. Too old to deal with this drama. And everyday I feel myself dying a little more. ;(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): I'm curious abou the 'I know I've pushed him into this'....What did you do/not do before the affair happened?
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (5 February 2011):
"We tried like 3 times in the last 2 months....he stays away for 2 days and misses everything so much he comes home mad and says "im not leaving my house anymore". I know in order for us to be apart I will have to leave and it's so hard when you shared everything for so long. We are going to Gatlinberg this week on vacation. This was planned before this mess happened. "
so let me get this straight. He's the one who has done the most destructive behavior. He actively sought out an affair, got his mistress pregnant, and is remaining in contact with her. So you separated. Yet he disregards your wishes for the separation and comes back after 2 days and is angry about the separation?
How does HE get to decide when the separation ends when he's the one who created this mess?? And how is it that if you want a separation you will have to be the one to leave the house when he's the one who's in the wrong?
Why is he calling the shots in everything? He's remaining in contact with his mistress when it's hurting you. (maybe he's still continuing his affair with her). You rightfully initiate separation but he decides when it ends. And he has the gall to be angry about the separations.
Why not put a stop to this before you get even more hurt? it's probably eating away at your self-esteem because deep down you know he's disrespecting you. And the more your self-esteem gets chipped away, the scarier the thought of being alone so the harder it is to leave him.
and then you also say: "He knows I haven't made a final decision of what Im gonna do. I think thats why he never wants to talk about it. "
So he is not willing to talk about this massive problem he created. how will staying with him help at all?
If you stay with him because of being afraid to be alone, you may end up destroying your mental health by living in a situation that causes you ongoing intense pain and anguish.
IMO, as scary as it is to be alone it's probably easier to overcome that than what you're signing up for if you choose to stay with him under these conditions....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): whatever you choose to do, make sure you are doing it for reasons that are healthy for YOU, and not for reasons that are immediately less uncomfortable to you but will in the long run destroy your emotional health.
this is what I mean: you say he's a part of you, you love him so much, you tried to separate but he always comes back and you are too weak to be the one to leave. You have also talked of "standing by him."
I agree that if you love someone you stand by them, you are loyal to them. But adultery is different.... in your case, he betrayed you. Yes he may be remorseful now, but he's a changed person. He is now the father of a baby. He is not the same person he was before he cheated on you. If you're going to stay with him, you have to realize that things will not and cannot go back to the way they were before he cheated, because he forever altered the course of your histories. So what matters is whether you can love and stand by the guy he is now or will be when the baby is born, without destroying yourself.
realize that he's still hurting you by remaining in contact with the other woman. And yes he has to remain in contact with her because he's the father of her child. And she's in love with him so he probably feels guilty about not beign there for her since she's in love with him and he knocked her up. There are two intertwining stories here, both with different solutions for what he "must" do to be responsible. In the first story, he cheated on you and got someone else pregnant. It's obvious then that the "right" thing for him to do is to cut off all contact with the other woman and jsut pay up child support.
But in the second story, he got involved with a 24 year old woman, she fell in love with him maybe she truly has strong feelings for him that if he wasn't already taken, would have been a pure and wholesome thing. Then he got her pregnant. If he were to discard her, that would be seen as the wrong thing. in this story, the "right" thing for him is to stand by her, because he's the father of her child, and they had some sort of relationship and she loves him. In this situation it would be callous of him to cut off all contact with her and only pay child support.
So you're trapped between two uncomfortable options: leave him and be alone which is scary, or stay with him and always be reminded of his betrayal and maybe also continue to live with recurring anger and suspicions.
I think it's noble to want to stand by him. But we are human, you are human. Are you ABLE to stand by him, without destroying yourself in the process?
I would think that, if you're an unfeeling robot, you could stand by him. But you're not an unfeeling robot. What is going to be the cost - to YOU - if you choose to stay with him and stand by him? OK so you will be sheltered from the fear of being alone. And what's the trade off? You will have to hear about the other woman, what she's up to, how the pregnancy is progressing, then once the kid is born you'll have to hear updates on how HIS son (not yours, but his) is doing....you will have hear how the kid has his eyes but her smile, or other gooey stuff like that..ugh...you will be torn between wanting to harbor no resentment toward an innocent child, yet the child will be a constant reminder of his betrayal.
you may also become suspicious if he's still cheating on you with her, this can go on indefinitely, these suspicions can go on for years and wreck havoc on your mind.
By choosing to stay with him and "stand by him" you are choosing to subject yourself to a lifetime of the above scenarios. I know you feel that right now you're afraid to be alone, but is the alternative something that's easier to deal with?
You will come to hate him if you end up getting destroyed. the more you sacrifice for him without benefit to yourself, the more you will hate him.
He may be part of you since he's all you've ever known, but maybe this is an unhealthy cancerous part that should be cut off.
So, examine your feelings very carefully. Right now the fear of being alone is overwhelming, making you feel like staying with him is the more do-able thing. But is it really?
sending you lots of hugs
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A
female
reader, europa819 +, writes (4 February 2011):
europa819 is verified as being by the original poster of the question yes...I agree with a trial seperation. We tried like 3 times in the last 2 months....he stays away for 2 days and misses everything so much he comes home mad and says "im not leaving my house anymore". I know in order for us to be apart I will have to leave and it's so hard when you shared everything for so long. We are going to Gatlinberg this week on vacation. This was planned before this mess happened. We wil be in a cabin in the mountains for 4 days. It will be the pefect time to talk about everything alone and away from distractions. Part of me wants to leave him and let him clean up his mess alone, but the other part of me loves him so much and sees the hurt and pain of his mistake and just want to be there to help him b/c he is a part of me. He knows he f*d up. He knows I haven't made a final decision of what Im gonna do. I think thats why he never wants to talk about it.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (4 February 2011):
so sorry to hear of this awful mess. Yes it was wrong of you to flirt, but what he did goes way beyond that. He actually had sex with someone else and created a new life. don't blame yourself, he and he alone is responsible for his actions. He could have chosen to just flirt with her if he wanted to get even with you. If he decided to have sex he could have chosen to use protection. there were so many things he could have done to prevent this but he didn't. And now a new innocent life is brought into the world, because of him.Only you can decide what to do, you may want to see a counselor for help in sorting through your feelings.My personal opinion is that, from the sounds of your post, you would be better off leaving him. It sounds as if you are only wanting to stay with him because he's all you have ever known and thus you're afraid to be alone for the first time in your life. This is not a healthy reason to stay married. it's even unhealthier if this fear traps you in a situation where you are reminded constantly, daily, about the betrayal because he's still in contact with her. No one will blame you for leaving him, you will not look like being made the fool if you leave him!! In fact, by staying with him, many people will pity you for tolerating it. Many people believe that infidelity is an absolute deal-breaker in a marriage, that any self-respecting spouse would not stand for it and will end the marriage, they will say that you condone his actions by forgiving him and continuing to stay married to him. You don't have to subscribe to this opinion, but if you're afraid of looking the fool that implies you're worried about what other people will think of you based on how you proceed, so I'm just saying what they may think.Why not do a trial separation so you can have time alone to sort through your feelings without being constantly having his infidelity rubbed in your face (because he's still in contact with her). A trial separation will also enable you to see what it feels like to be living on your own.
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A
female
reader, youngandrestless  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 that really is a hard situation, but it can be ok. your life with your husband is never going to be easy or simple, because no matter what he is going to have this responsability. if he is sure that the child is his, then the only thing he has to do is pay child support, unless he wants to be a big part in the childs life. you need to talk this through with him and let him know exactly how you feel, if your anything like me you probably feel that the blame is yours and so you havnt really told him how hurt you are. i would definetly suggest taking counceling, something like this wont fix itself. im sorry i cant help out more, but i can encourage you to be strong. you are an amazing woman, who is dealing with a very hard situation, and i hope you know that ther are people out here who are rooting for you.
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A
female
reader, europa819 +, writes (3 February 2011):
europa819 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.....I wish I had a magic pill to turn everything off. Make everything disappear. But I know I cant. It's real and it's here. A bad lifetime movie is what my life has turned into. I dont know what I'm gonna do but I do know, each day I get stronger as a person and as they say "Time will heal all wounds". I just wish it would hurry up. :(
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Only you can answer your questions, but I think seeking some councelling would definitely be in your best interest. It is questionable if your marriage can be saved, because this woman will always be in his life. They share a child now. This will be a very difficult istuation for all of you.
I would like to stress that you didn't force him into anything. He may blame your near infidelity for his actions, but HE controls his actions. HE chose to cheat. You didn't force him to. Well, unless you told him you'd leave him if he didn't cheat on you. Somehow, I don't think you did that.
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A
female
reader, pink_daisy +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Oh, your post just breaks my heart. I wish I could hug you. I know you need it.
You were high school sweet hearts. I'm assuming that he is the only man you have ever had sex with? And that you're probably the only woman he was with as well (until he met the 24 year old).
So I think it is very natural that you got curious and flirted online. You never had the chance to date after high school or anything fun like that. That's wrong to flirt when in a relationship, but what he did far surpasses your transgression. If he wanted to get even, he could have gone to the bar and bought some hot young girl a drink and got a high off being flirted with and went home. But no, he took it too far and not only that but he left behind a mess that he was too careless to prevent.
So I say shame on that girl because I'm sure she knew he was married and shame on him because he knew you didn't have sex with anyone except him.
So if I was in your shoes....well, I'd have probably killed someone! But your obviously a sophisticated, loving woman with great intellect. But if I were put in your situation, I would request that my husband not speak to this woman until there are tests done and hard proof that he indeed fathered her child. Because a woman half his age who runs around jumping in bed with men she doesn't know and doesn't use protection....well, I highly doubt she's in love with him and more in love with the idea of being manipulative and conniving. So make sure this child is indeed your husbands, and if it's not: great. Move on and be with him if you so choose.
If it is his...well that's where I run out of answers and simply say talk to your husband, follow your heart.
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