A
male
age
51-59,
*hawncaff
writes:OK, I normally post about one situation, but finally I would like to ask something new!I have a long-time friend. We dated when we were in college. This was 16 years ago. We were friends first, then we became romantically involved for a few months, then were off and on for another few months, then broke off all physical contact and remained friends. Although we had been affectionate with each other, we did not have sexual relations.Our friendship was close afterwards, but then waned with time after graduation. Still, we kept in touch and helped each other through some tough times. She got married about 6 years ago and now has a young son whom she adores. Now here is the thing: While we talk on the phone every few months, and she sends me cards for the holidays, she won't see me. This is because her husband is extremely jealous. She is a stay-at-home mom and complains to me about her husband's controlling nature. Yet, in order to keep some peace in the home she will not challenge him about seeing me.It is frustrating to me. I went through a bad patch last year with a girl and really wanted to see her and get her perspective as a woman. (I don't have too many other female friends.) I also have never seen her son. I miss seeing her as I still feel a connection to her. I have not seen her for 3 years.I can understand retro-active jealousy in general, but I find this particular situation ridiculous. For one, this girl and I dated 16 years ago! For another, we were never sexually intimate. And most importantly, we remained friends afterwards for many years without any further physical affection. I went to their wedding and I find him a nice guy, but yes, a very jealous and emotional person.I find it frustrating because I would like to see her, and I feel she is not being strong enough in standing up to her husband. She complains of being lonely, yet she won't put up a fight to see me. My questions are: Are his actions understandable?Is there anything I can do so I can see my friend again?Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (3 March 2011):
shawncaff is verified as being by the original poster of the question EyesWideOpen--The article was about the impossibility of "best friends" of the opposite sex. This girl and I have not been best friends, just friends. Of course, I think friendship between sexes is possible, just not "best friends" as it is normally understood (i.e., feeling like you can tell this person anything and everything, feeling closest to that person more than any other friend, etc.)Thanks for reading the article!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 March 2011):
 I read your article: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-myth-of-best-friends-of-the-opposite.html. It makes me wonder a tad about this posting.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (3 March 2011):
shawncaff is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I appreciate all the answers. Not what I expected.
I have been in situations alone with her in the past 16 years when we were both single, and nothing ever happened. We really do not have those feelings for each other--just those of friendship.
I have been very strict about physical contact with her and have done nothing more than shake her hand in the past 16 years, so I have no doubt that nothing would ever happen, particularly now that she is married! I would never, ever do anything to hurt the sanctity of their marriage.
Still, you have given me a deeper appreciation and different understanding of her husband's perspective. Even though in reality he would have nothing to worry about, I will respect his worries, especially since the marriage is a little rocky.
Thank you very much.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (3 March 2011):
 I don't think you are going to like my answer, but yes, her husband's actions are understandable. Let's deal with that one first.
Do you have romantic feelings for this woman? Does she have romantic feelings for you? If either of you feel this way, even a little bit, you cannot be friends. If you see her in person, the relationship is likely to escalate, especially if she is unhappy at home. That is what her husband is afraid of. He may be a jealous and controlling man, but she chose to marry him, and under the circumstances, he has a legitimate concern.
Even though you don't think so, this is actually a dangerous situation. She is somewhat unhappy at home. She has already told you that she is lonely - Red Flag. She has complained about her husband being jealous and controlling and you agreed with her - Red Flag. She has a good deal of time on her hands as she is a stay-at-home mom - Red Flag.
Even though it has been 16 years, feelings like this do not die. They lay dormant, in wait of the right opportunity. There is motive and opportunity here. I don't think you see it because you are too close to it.
As for your other question, you cannot force the issue. If she won't see you, you will have to accept that. If you try to figure out a way to see her while she is married it is not going to look good.
You seem like a real nice guy and I am sure you trust yourself in this situation, however, the Internet is rife with stories like yours that start off innocently enough.
My advice is to stick with the lines of communication you've got. Even then you must guard against this turning into an emotional affair. I'm sorry, but that is the way I see it.
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