A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I get over the details my girlfriend has told me about her previous sex life?I've been living with my girlfriend for around 9 months now, there is very strong love and co dependency going on both ways. We have had a rocky relationship to say the least, mostly circumstancial and most problems are related to trust issues...After a few medium sized lies from her I started to get very distrusting and jealous, I tore a whole in our relationship for a while with drilling her constantly about what else there was that i dont know yet.Finally one day i completely lost it and gave her no other options than to tell me everything or i was leaving. She decided to tell me alot of things, about a one night stand she had before meeting me, about staying at an old flings house over night with some girlfriends when out of town (she told me that she stayed by a girl friends place originaly)the true number of how many men she's been with...but then she got into details as i just sat back and let her talk for an hour or so. she told me about indecent places she's had sex and with whom etc...most of the stuff i got over in days, some of the others, a month, but there's a couple left that i can't forget about, and everytime we watch a movie or hear a song that resembles her actions or I see one of these places, I start feeling sick inside and can't break it without an hour or so to talk myself out of the thought of it. sometimes alot more time is needed.I want to love the girl again all the way and see her as an inicent princess, which is the way she wants to be treated but i'm having these issues and no matter how hard i try i just can't kick these feelings...Has anyone else gone through something like this before and got over it? My only option for peace is to run, and i've tried many times but it never feels comfortable or right and i always end up back with her...things are alright for a while until something comes up...Before, i used to take it out on her when i felt this way, now i just keep it to myself, but it still shows. I just brush it off like she's misreading me etc. But i can't imagine living with issues like this for the rest of my life and i don't want to waste time either, I want someone to share and witness my life with. she has many hard to find charactoristics but i struggle (from the lies and truths) with consistent feelings...HELP!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, boobooboots  +, writes (12 February 2007):
Hi, I've had pretty much the same problem (i posted a couple of weeks back)...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-gf-has-been-very-graphic-about-her.html
I think that if two people have completely different perceptions about one night stands, then the relationship is doomed. Imbalance like that is not good.
I've read loads of discussion boards and spoken to friends (male and female) and have concluded that I don't want to be another of those people that it still bothers 10 years down the line. If we're not compatible then we're not compatible. Life goes on.
And it's not me wanting a virgin angel as a partner. It's just me wanting someone who has the same morals. As i've probably said before, i wouldnt have a problem with a partners sexual past, as long as it was bassed on a relationship and not some drunken nite out. Harsh, i know. But that's my point of view and there are males and females out there that share it.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (4 February 2007):
 You need to sit and talk with her and tell her exactly how you're feeling. Tell her some of the things she told you blew you away. Ask her exactly how she feels about you now. Does she love you? Does she WANT to be with you? Let her know that trust in a relationship is of the utmost importance and you want to be able to trust her implicitly. You have to make a pact with her there and then that nothing like that will ever happen again as long as you're together. Ask her too, if she has any issues she wants to bring up. The only way to get rid of these ghosts is to "air" them love. Once this is done then you'll be able to move on from this.
Can I just say though that the past is the past. It was really commendable on her part that she told you as much as she did. By rights, she didn't need to tell you anything. This all happened BEFORE she met you and it must have been hard and humiliating for her to tell you about it all. In the end she was honest with you, even although you didn't like what you heard so you should respect her for her honesty in the end. She obviously loves you very much or she would just have walked away when you issued her with that ultimatum.
We all have skeletons in our closet, some worse than others but you shouldn't judge her because of it. After all, are you pure as the driven snow??? She's with YOU now, you can love and guide her, put her on that pedestal. She IS your princess and as long as you both continue to communicate then you will both bond closer.
Trust, loyalty, honesty, respect and communication are the cornerstones of a relationship. Build on those NOW and forget about her past. It's NOW that counts and as long as she is loyal to you NOW then you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
I wish you both every happiness in your future.
Eve
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): The only bit of advice I have is as long as there is no sex or flirting with other men while she's with you then you dont have anything to worry about. My ex did some outragous things to be honest, but so have I. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in my life but when we were together we confessed all to each other. I just told her that as long as she doesnt cheat or flirt with other men while with me I didnt care what she did in the past. The reason for that is because to be honest the 'here and now' is the most important thing. If there are trust issues right now in your relationship then yes they ALWAYS need to be sorted out, but if its just her past and you know she's not doing that stuff anymore I advise you to let it go and be glad she got it out of her system before she met you. It's difficult but hey that's relationships.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 You are not alone: this question comes up frequently here. Check out the answers given here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-gf-has-been-very-graphic-about-her.html
Amongst those answers I provide a list of links to other people with the same problem. I suggest you read all those links and then post back here if you want more advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): its a typical old chesnut.all us guys love to see our partners as lil miss innocent and always hope we're their first. but we're also curious about their past. its a double edged sword which your case proves, does do damage.the fact is, shes human, shes bound to of had a sex life befor you so that shouldnt upset you. does your previous sex life upset her?the only thing that would bother me, is if her past sex life was abnormally active.
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A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 Country woman has a point, I HAVE been harsher than I intended, and for that, I apologize.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (4 February 2007):
 OK first of all I am not about to slate you for feeling like this whole thing has left you jaded about your gf.
At the end of the day we are all human and I don't think anyone gets through life without a few things they are either ashamed of or wished that they had done them differently.
Your relationship is still so young, 9 months is nothing. So she has spilled the beans and at least the truth is out there.
I do agree with getting yourselves tested but if you truly want this relationship to work then you should go and get some help - both of you. Talk everything through with a relationship counsellor and face them together. In the UK we have Relate which is very good and helps you to see things from both sides and understand them.
We all have habits that we don't always like in our partners but at the end of the day it all depends on how much we love one another.
We also don't talk about the things that bug us and instead bottle them up until they fester.
Have you been completely honest and upfront about your past relationships/sex life?
If you want things to work out between you then try and get some outside help, it won't cost the earth and it may be worth it. Otherwise it may resolve all the things that are going on in your head so that you can start to see what your relationship means to you, either good or bad.
The one thing I do see is that you can't continue as you are as it will eat you up instead and I think it is a form of a strange jealousy about how your gf behaved before you were on the scene.
Wish you best of luck and here if you need me or any of the other agony aunts or uncles OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, TygersDream +, writes (4 February 2007):
DUDE!!!! We're not characters from a Jane Austen NOVEL! And even THEN Jane Austen HATED the kind of lives women were forced to lead!!
You want to see her as an innocent princess again? You can't unring a bell. All these things happened BEFORE she met you, what do you expect her to do? Unless she's a nymphomaniac, she has the right to an actively sexual life. The only thing you should be worried about is whether both of you are STD-free. FIRST THINGS FIRST, go and get yourselves tested.
Now you know she's not an 'innocent princess'. Boo hoo. Do you love her for her? Perhaps you'll like thinking of her as a "damsel in distress" then, Cuz so far her sexual exploits seem like a coverup for her loneliness or her sadness and her insecurity. Did you ever think about that? Did you ever feel it when you glossed her up as some pristine angel? Do you love the IMAGE of her or HER?
Or maybe she's had her ups and downs, Women are human after all. We're not ANGELS, or PRINCESSES, or even WITCHES. Maybe sometimes she felt lonely and insecure, and sometimes she just felt wild and sexy and sexual. Sometimes she's a tiger, and other times she's a mouse.
The whole 'innocent princess' label is worn out and impossible to live up to. And it's unfair of you to MAKE her live up to YOUR unfair expectations and innaccurate assessment of her. I mean, nobody's expected YOU to act like Prince Charming or Heavenly King or Stalwart Warrior, have they?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): look you asked her to confess or you'd leave, its not like you gave her a choice. You should get over it, its her life and its in the past.
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