A
male
age
36-40,
*obL
writes:Hey guys,My girlfriend and I have been in an online relationship for 9 months, we've not met in real life yet, and she told me this Sunday she has a family party, and jokingly said I should come to it. In response to that I said "I could very easily turn up there on Sunday if I wanted to :3" and she said she wondered what her mum would think if she said she wanted me to come, to which I said she should ask her because I'm interested to find out :PWhen she said "I should :3" that was kinda disheartening, it just screams out "I'm not going to do that". So just to carry on, I said "There's flights available ;)" to which she said "I'll seriously ask her if you want me to. Could be an awkward time to first meet though ;p".I replied with "I'm only teasing you ;D We both know it'd never actually happen ;p" and she replied with "True :(" which was also disheartening. I was somewhat expecting her to say she'd at least ask her mum, and if she says no, fine.Am I thinking too much about this? This situation really makes me think she isn't interested in meeting me at all. This made worse by the fact that she never initiates a conversation about how she wants to be with me, it's always me who says how I wish we could be together in the real world, then she follows on to strongly agree with me.I don't know, if she doesn't want to meet me I wish she'd just tell me =/ But am I getting this wrong? I'm not sure what to think, really O_o
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): I want to thank you for asking this, because I am in the same situation. I fell for this girl and we have been talking for almost a year now and have never met. I really think girls just want us to want them. They dont talk about getting together or being together in person until we bring it up, because they want us to bring it up and make it happen. It sounds like you have an amazing girl there and she seams to really care about you and want to be with you. I think you two will definitely continue to grow your relationship and it will be amazing. I think her biggest concern is you being comfortable. She wants to be with you and no one else and she will wait as long as it takes. She knows meeting you will be amazing and you dont need added pressure by meeting her family too. I think thats the biggest thing. When I told my parents about my girl, they were a bit hesitant at the thought of me meeting someone I just know from online. Try your best to keep talking to her about it, keep that wonderful relationship of yours going and I know you two will work something out and you will finally be together.
A
male
reader, RobL +, writes (17 September 2009):
RobL is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hey all,
I had a talk with her last night, and she said that of course it would be nice if she could have a physical presence in her life, but if it's not me, it's not anybody, and she's prepared to sacrifice that for as long is it takes to be with me.
She's going to ask her mum closer to Christmas whether I can come see her, whether it be on their vacation or otherwise, which would also be like a vacation for me ^_^
She also said "Giving up just so I could physically be with some other person irl would be the stupidest decision in my life.", she said she's not unhappy with the way things are right now, but she does wish we could be together in the real world.
All the signs point to her caring for me, and willing to go without physical interaction until it's with me. It sounds positive in my eyes. I hate that it's impossible for me to give her exactly what she wants, but she doesn't want anybody else in her life besides me.
I'm confused :(
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A
male
reader, RobL +, writes (16 September 2009):
RobL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again guys,
Tisha-1, you've consistently made good points for me here, which I appreciate. I'm not asking her to make rest-of-her-life decisions, I just want to meet the girl I fell in love with. I'm preparing myself for both good and bad situations for when (if) that meeting happens. If we work really well together in the real world, then I'd do anything to be with her.
The thought of letting her go to be with someone in real life just because we can't be together right now horrifies me. I'm always encouraging her to put her schoolwork first, I help her with her homework when I can, she does quite a lot of after-school activities, she goes out with friends, it's not as if I'm stopping her doing any of that, as far as I can tell she's living a perfectly normal life, except her boyfriend lives in another country.
Few months back we had a talk about the future, and she made a good point, we can't predict the future, we don't know what's going to happen. But if there's any chance we can be together when she finishes school and decides what she wants to do after that, I want to grab that chance with both hands and never let go.
I've thought to myself a few times whether I'm holding her back, and the painful truth is I don't know. She won't tell me that I am, whether I am or not, but as I said earlier, her life, as far as I can see, is perfectly normal, the only thing that's missing is the physical presence of her boyfriend, the mental love and affection is still there in every way.
So, to answer the question of whether I'm holding her back depends on whether she desperately wants that physical presence or not. If she does, then I am, and if she doesn't, I wouldn't have thought I am.
Thanks again guys for your thoughts, they're all very welcome :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 September 2009):
 When I was 15 going on 16, I could barely decide what to wear to school the next day. Come to think of it, I still have a problem with outfit selection. Never mind.
Rob, this girl is in the middle of her teenage years. I know you're not far out of them, but she is still growing up and maturing. She's not ready for 'rest of her life' decisions just yet. She should be thinking about school and if she's going to further her education. And making life-altering decisions based on a relationship with a boy she's never met just strikes me as a really bad idea. Sorry.
I know you have a lot invested in her emotionally, but you have to recognize that she is in a different place in her life than you are. You don't even live in the same country! You may be holding her back from her own real life experiences; did you ever consider what is best for her personal growth?
If you were 27 and she was 22 going on 23 and was out of school already, I might be having a different take on this. A person who is 23 and has gone away to uni has a vastly different outlook and perspective than someone who is still in her teens and living with her parents. Vastly. Huge.
You're trying to build the foundation of a relationship on the maturity of a 15 year old girl. Your story and the love you express for her is very sweet and touching, but Rob, you must realize that this could all be a wonderful fantasy world for her. That she thinks of you as a penpal. That you are safe BECAUSE you live so far away. If you try to close that distance, you're probably going to discover that she is not in love with you in the sense that a mature, adult woman would be. And honestly, if I was her parent, I would be EXTREMELY leery of you and of allowing you close to my daughter. I would be suspicious of you and would resent your trying to crash the family Christmas and skiing holiday. My parents would have had a coronary. I know, you're not trying to do that, you sincerely want to meet her in person, but you have to recognize that she is one member in a family and the dynamic is completely different when you take teenagers on holiday.
There are times here on DC when I invoke the image of Indiana Jones fighting with that horrible priest of Kali, the one who reaches into people's chests and removes their hearts with his bare hands? You know this movie? Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Indy's little sidekick yells at him: "Cover your heart, Indy! Cover your heart!"
Rob, cover your heart! Cover your heart. Don't hand it over to a 15, almost 16 year old girl just yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Meeting the family all at once would be a big step even if you were in a relationship. Best to meet up somewhere just the two of you first to see if you get on. Don't pin too many hopes on someone you never met. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, gwrox +, writes (16 September 2009):
 sorry, this will probably sound mean, but i dont think 'she' is who 'she' says she is.
either that or shes got a bf, or just self contius and might not want to see you incase she thinks you might not like her and 'dithch' her.
good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): very well said, tisha~1! ( i agree with everything that you said.) rob, I would say she is afraid that if/when you meet the reality might not as good as she hopes and then she will lose what you have now. That is always a fear in any relationship when you talk about taking it to the next level! Its perfectly normal. And who wants to be the one to stick their neck out if there is a chance at all of the other saying 'umm, actually sweetheart i was just joking', or some such reply. Set a time, buy the tickets, go to her area, take her out on a relaxed date, spend time talking in person, and re~evaluate. If you feel as strongly then, as you do now, (and i wouldnt be suprised if you do) you will be in a ldr. Dont ask, tell her,... im coming to see you. Which wkend would be the best for you? Keep us posted and good luck :)
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male
reader, RobL +, writes (16 September 2009):
RobL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother post from me, sorry!
When I said "If that doesn't happen, then I would make a serious decision on whether to move to her country or not." - That is obviously not something to consider until we've at least met in real life first, I wouldn't decide to move country to live with someone I've never met, just to clear that up ;D
I'm going to talk to her tonight, put forward how I feel, see what she says. Sadly, what also crosses my mind occasionally is that she tells me what I want to hear, not what she's actually thinking. With good intentions most of the time I would assume, but I don't think she realises that it hurts me if that is the case.
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A
male
reader, RobL +, writes (16 September 2009):
RobL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOoh, some more answers appeared while I was writing, thanks again to all of you for replying :)
We've talked about our relationship status seriously in the past, and she says there's nobody else besides me, not online, not in the real world, and if there ever was anybody else, she would tell me about it. As of yet, she's not told me about anyone else, so that's a positive.
Secondly, regarding why I label it as online and long distance, it was my understanding that the difference between the two was that in a long distance relationship, the couple have met at some point, and just live far away from one-another, which isn't the case here. If that's wrong then I'd be more than happy to call it a long distance relationship!
I'm more than willing to commit to this relationship. We live in different countries, but she's already said when she finishes school she'd think about finding a college in my country to go to, and I've told her that in all seriousness if she does decide to do that, I'll help her in every possible way I can - I'd love nothing more than this!
If that doesn't happen, then I would make a serious decision on whether to move to her country or not.
I really want this to work, I just hope she thinks the same, but I get mixed feelings from her all the time from the things she says.
Thanks again people, any more thoughts?
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A
male
reader, RobL +, writes (16 September 2009):
RobL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies :)
First off, my girlfriend is 15 (16 on Saturday), and the only reason her parents know about me is because I sent her a birthday present in the mail. I can understand that she found it hard to tell them, I don't think anyone can predict how somebody's parents will react to something like that.
Regarding the online issue, we talk on instant messengers for hours every day, sometimes we talk on Skype (phone), we look at each others webcams, so we both know we are exactly who we say we are. The only difference between what we have, and a relationship between a couple in real life is that there's no physical interaction; we can't hold each other, kiss each other, go to the beach or watch a movie together, and that's a really important part of a relationship, I know that, but I don't think that the absence of that can really affect whether you love somebody or not.
She does tell me that she loves me, and I certainly love her. The thought of being with her fills me with happiness, and I don't want to jeapordise that by finding a relationship with somebody else in the real world. I'm happy to wait as long as it takes for her, but sometimes it seems like she's happy with things the way they are. I don't want some available person who lives in the same area as me, I want her.
I've tried to be serious regarding the issue before, and she always says that she wants to do it, but never advances with that, it stays at "I want to" and nothing is ever done about it.
The most recent episode is her and her family will be going skiing/snowboarding in the winter vacation, and we've talked about meeting up then, and she says she'll talk to her mum about it closer to Christmas. I'm happy with that, but if she doesn't, that will be the most disappointing thing of my life.
I'm thinking the best thing I can do is wait and see what happens with this Christmas thing, if that doesn't happen, well, maybe that's the clearest indication that she has no intention of being with me.
What do you think?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 September 2009):
I had one more terrible thought. Sorry, but I have to ask. Could it be a love scam?
http://www.scamwarners.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=25 (you'll have to copy/paste that entire link, the hyperlink gets messed up by the "?")
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 September 2009):
How old is your girlfriend? Is it possible no one in her family knows about this online relationship?
I am from the generation pre-internet, pre-cellphone, pre-fax. We actually used carbon paper on manual typewriters when I was writing my high school papers. So I just do not understand how you can call someone a girlfriend when you have never actually met in real life. I would call it an online flirtation, an online fantasy, basically.
I worry about the people who spend a great deal of time nourishing these online relationships to the detriment of real life opportunities. Here someone is shut up in their house, or sitting in an internet cafe, or glued to the teeny screen of their smartphone, missing out on meeting the real-life, flesh and blood, AVAILABLE hottie sipping latte only a short walk away.
Look, I spend a lot of time on DC, I find it enjoyable, stimulating, fulfilling and frankly fun to be here. I have made some friends here and I enjoy contact with them. But would I allow this place to become the substitute for engagement in real life? No.
Eventually, you are going to want to breathe the same air as your love, look deep into her eyes, hold her hand, feel her skin, share her day, share the night. If it is all one-sided, that is, she enjoys the online stuff but has no intention of actually seeing you in person, then you are wasting your time. Maybe she weighs 300 lbs and doesn't want you to see her, maybe she's 14 and can't tell her mum she's dating a guy on the internet. I don't know.
The point is that you have put yourself on the shelf for a person who never initiates planning to meet up. I think you are wise to be coming to that realization and I also think that you can do some soul-searching on this one. It may hurt, it may be upsetting, but it may put you on the track to a happier, healthier, realistic relationship with someone who truly is available for the real thing.
Try to schedule a real meet up. A real time, with no other family obligations on the horizon, nothing to interfere. I'd be very curious to hear what she comes back with when you try that.
If you do want to meet her, stop joking about it. Be serious and don't let her sidestep the issue anymore. Nine months is long enough to know if you actually want to meet someone in real life.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Sounds like you're not asking her directly. And were you really joking? I dont think you were, so why did you lye to her and say you were joking? Maybe a big reason why she doesnt initiate a meeting is that she thinks YOU dont want that. Many girls are afraid to take the first move since that in general tends to scare guys away.
I also find it interesting that you refer to your relationship as an online one purely. It sounds less serious then if you had called it "long distance relationship". Did you even talk to her about what sort of relationship you two have? Are you exclusive? Does she have a real life boyfriend besides you? Do you talk to her about these things?
Be clear on what you want. What do you want out of this relationship? And are you willing to commit? Then have that talk with her and: make plans! Long distance relationships in my experience only works out if you have a goal of eventually being together physically.
So take that next step! 9 months into it it's overdue.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 September 2009):
Most of the time when people have an "online" relationship, it means that one of them takes it seriously, and the other considers it a pen pal they flirt with.
YOU were the one that said "It's never going to happen" when you spoke about meeting up. And she agreed.
I think you need to seriously ask her if she has any intention to actually be your girlfriend. If you can't meet up fairly regularly and be a long distance couple then you may have to accept that you have a very attractive pen pal on your hands, and if you want a girlfriend then you'll have to venture into the real world and find one there.
Good Luck!! xx
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (16 September 2009):
Ok first things first. She isn't your girlfriend untill you meet in person. There is no way you can be in a commited "online" relationship. Second quit beating around the bush. If you wanna meet this girl just ante up and set a time and place and make it clear you want to meet her. Meeting people online is nerve racking especially for girls. If she doesn't seem to bite than let it go. Thirdly, don't put your eggs in this basket untill you meet in person and she makes it clear she wants you to be there and with her. trust me on this one.
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