A
female
age
36-40,
*oya7615
writes:I have recently got involved in a LDR, and have fallen in love with my man. I met him while on vacation in the US Virgin Islands, and Im from the states. I am 25 and I am ready to start a family, and he wants to as well. Unfortunately he is on probation for about another year and a half for something minor he did when he was younger. So he can not come to the States to visit me I can only go to visit him. Which actually works out because I am out of work right now and recieving unemployment and he is working and in school. Here is the catch we both want to have a baby together, we plan on spending 2-3 months apart and hopefully about a month together. After his probation is up he's gonna move to the states. Does anyone have any advice on having a baby with your long distance love? Oh yea and since he is on probation he would not make it for the birth, if we were to go through with it.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 August 2010):
I get the US citizen part. But, putting it bluntly and I'll hope you forgive me, you don't want your child to grow up resenting the father for walking out or getting into the trouble with the law again, or resenting you for having it with the father, you don't want the child resenting the fact you don't work and can't give it a certain lifestyle. If you're going to have a child whilst on benefit and with a man who you can't even say for sure you'll work out with. Wait until you've lived with this man in a close relationship. Children are not forgiving of parents who bring them into a world of trouble. That's why there are so many unhappy kids. He needs to be there with you to bond with the child, or it will have problems growing up. and you both need be able to provide. There's no sense in having a child with him, only to find he won't come over and the child will be without a father. It's a terrible idea to have a child in an LDR. It won't be you who gets hurt if it goes wrong. It will be the child.
A
female
reader, toya7615 +, writes (26 August 2010):
toya7615 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk Mr. Anonymous... Im glad you understand the US part that other people dont seem to get, but Im not pregnant I have not had sex with him yet. And I have not had sex with anyone for the past few months. So Im not looking for anyones approval I really just want some insight from someone who has had a child while in a LDR. As for me being unemployed that is by choice there are plenty of jobs available to me in my field, but my unemployment pays me the same as I would get if I was working so why not use it I have been working nonstop since I was 15 years old. Im taking this opportunity to finish my degree and hopefully have my baby since I am able to be home and get paid right now. Mizz.Butterflies Im just at the point in my life where I want to start my family, Im about to be 26 and not getting any younger. I have already vowed to myself that if I dont have children by 30yrs then Im not having any... and I know many people wont agree with that, but thats just my view on it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): lol, why don't the brits understand that he is already a u.s. citizen as he's from the u.s. virgin islands. immigration isn't the problem, its cuz he's on probation that he has to stay in one place.
anyway, as to your baby question: who are you kidding? you're obviously already pregnant and just looking for approval. because no sane woman would actually think that having a baby while they are unemployed and the father is stuck on probation could be a good idea
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (25 August 2010):
 why are u in such a hurry to have a baby by him? Can't you wai t till he moves to the states with you?why the rush?
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female
reader, toya7615 +, writes (25 August 2010):
toya7615 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice CaringGuy, alot of the things you have stated I have throughly thought through already. I definately understand that there is a good chance that I will be a single mother, which honestly I am ok with that. The way I was raised you have to look at it that way regardless of a LDR or if you are in a live in situation, because unfortuantely a man can pick up and leave whenever he is ready. I know for sure if our relationship last or not, he will definately be a good father, and a great provider, money is not an issue he already sends me money on a regualr not that I need it, its just in his nature to provide for his loved ones... He has been taking care of his mother and little sister since he was a teenager. So him being a decent father I dont worry about, becasue I know he will be a great father. As far as the US authorities not letting him in the country, he has already discussed with probation about moving to the states and once he is done he it willbe no problem, you have to remember it is the US Virgin Island, so its apart of US territories. We have fully thought out alot, and most of the possible glitches we may have. The only thing I can agree with is that we have never lived together but like I said I will be living with him for like a month on and two months off, which should give us plenty of time to become more than well aquainted. Oh yea and I just want to state that we are a "real couple" the only difference is that we cant see each other as often has a couple that lives 10mins away from each other can.
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female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (25 August 2010):
Very bad idea, your unemployed and he is on probation in another country. You barely know eachother so you may as well wait until he is able to move and be with you and then start thinking about a baby.
I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but are you sure this man isn't just wanting you to have a baby now so that he finds it easier to get a visa into your country or get let off probabtion early.
You will also need to provide for this baby and support the child, so wait until you know that your relationship is stable, that you and this man will work out and that you can provide for this child.
If you think this is the man for you then it wont hurt to wait a little longer to know for sure everything is going to work out ok.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Yeah, I agree with CaringGuy. BAD idea. Wait till he moves to the states. Long distance relationships are WAY different then regular relationships. You need to establish a full relationship with this man before you think about bringing a child into the world with him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 August 2010):
This is such a bad idea. You've not lived together, you've not really spend time getting to know each other, he's on probation for at least another year and a half, and you can't be totally sure the US authorities will let him in. This is such a bad idea. Too much can go wrong with this plan, and you'll wind up a single mother, out of work with a child who you won't really be able to afford. If you're serious about this, then wait until he has come over and spend time dating like a real couple would. Then, when you're sure he will make a decent father and you know that he can provide, you can think about a family. You don't want to bring a child into a mess.
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