A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a problem with my sexual fantasys so to speak. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and our sex life has always been good, but my sexual fantasys disturb him. He's briefly talked about his fantasys, and I've tried to fullfill them, but he told me there's no way he'd do any of the things I was interested in. I'm really into the idea of bondage. I have rape fantasys and want to experience pain during sex. I know to some this may sound horrible, and I've no idea why I fantasise about rape, but the thought of my boyfriend gagging me, tiying me up, slapping me about a bit and throttling me, really turns me on more than anything else. I didn't tell him about all of these sexual desires for a long time because I was worried about how he'd react, and now I feel stupid having told him and him being very weirded out by it. I don't expect him to go wild with my fantasys, if he even just tied me up a bit but he won't even do that. I would never want to force something upon someone if they didn't want to do it. I just feel like I shouldn't of told him I guess I feel a bit akward about it all, he was so disturbed by all this. Is it normal, or common to have these kinds of fantasys? Any opinions and advice would be much appreciated thank you.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I agree that these types of fantasies are much more common than a lot of people think, mostly because not many people are comfortable enough to talk about them openly.
I think Yvayne has a great idea about ways to bridge that gap. A couple more things to try would be spanking or some hair pulling. I've had GF's who loved having their hair pulled. When done right I'm told it's great, provided that's what you're into.
Ultimately, if he's not even willing to consider trying some of your fantasies, he may not be the right one for you. Relationships are all about compromise. He should trust you enough after 3 years to at least give it a try.
Another thing is that he's probably worried he'll hurt you for real. Make sure to set a "safe word" before any rough play. This way you can maintain the fantasy but have an out if something doesn't go well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): It is extremely risky for a man to fulfill those types of fantasies in today's times. I personally know someone who gave his girlfriend what she wanted. Months later to get back at him for breaking up she cried rape. A year later and a destroyed reputation/career the scumbag admitted she was lying (this was *long* after the police told her they suspected made it up). It could be your boyfriend isn't willing to take the risk. But ya girl your fantasies are normal and I hope it works out. Just want you to think about it from a different perspective.
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A
female
reader, Yvayne +, writes (26 August 2010):
Hey,
It is perfectly normal to fantasise over these things, you are obviously just submissive, like myself. Perhaps try easing little bits into your sexlife here and there, perhaps getting him to hold your hands down, it is a step down from actually being tied up, but the lack of control you feel is the same. This is what I have tried with my partner, as he doesnt really like it either, just do things on a subtle level, it can be fun.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 August 2010):
 I don't like to use the word "normal" for this, but these types of fantasies are more common than people realize. I don't think there is anything deeply wrong with you, so don't feel bad. Your boyfriend needs to be a big boy and try to be mature about this. If it's not his thing, fine... he doesn't have to do it. But you've been together long enough that this shouldn't disturb him THAT much. Don't regret what you did. Any partner you are with you must feel comfortable enough to be honest with him. You shouldn't feel like you need to hold anything back.
He shouldn't let this fantasy override the 3 years of being together and getting to know you. If he does, then it's his fault.
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A
female
reader, kittyl305 +, writes (25 August 2010):
 this is normal don't worry. being bossed about turns you on, there's nothing wrong about that, he should get involved i your fantasy's, play role, tell him that he is the master that what ever he wants to do you have to do, tell him that the way you described it as rape was misjudgement and that you just like being bossed about and being out of control in the bed room. you should both feel conformable with what your doing.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 August 2010):
 No that's a really common fantasy actually. A lot of women have rape fantasies and bondage is the most common "kinky" thing most people say they'd like to try. Obviously you don't want to be raped, just make sure he knows that. That said, he has every right to refuse to do something that makes him uncomfortable. He shouldn't judge you for being open with him though, that's just asking for a super unfulfilling relationship where neither of you speaks up when you want something.
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