A
female
age
30-35,
*ighculture
writes:Ok, so I'm feeling a bit odd asking about personal stuff online (which I've never really done before) but it seems like in this situation, a stranger could probably give me better advice than my friends or family.So anyways, here's my problem. Right now, I don't really have a great relationship with my parents. They don't abuse me, they don't beat me, nothing like that. In fact, they think themselves to be the best parents in the world, and for all I know, they don't even realize how much me and my sister despise them. Now, I don't want to start an endless rant, but let's just say that there are some very good reasons for that. First, there's what I like to call "irreconcilable differences." Differences like the fact that I can't talk to them about anything other than the weather and my grades, because everything else is off-limits. Or that they both have this lingering racist and sexist (not to mention homophobic) attitude which I absolutely cannot stand. That and many other things on which we have diametrically opposed opinions (but which they're not aware of, like I said, because opposing what they say is usually not an option).Second, there's the fact that they're really preventing me from living my life right now. I'm 17, and I'm in Cegep, which is supposed to be the best time of your life, or so everyone says. But instead, I'm realizing that these past years, I've missed out on everything that normal people do outside of school. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I don't have a social life, but when your parents expect an "explanation" everytime you come home late after school, and don't think it's normal for you to be out past 10:00, even on special occasions, it's just very... limiting. And while I've never been a party girl at all, I still would like to be able to go out once in a while, spend more time with my friends, go to concerts, go to plays, whatever it is, just enjoy life while I'm still young and carefree. But that's just not possible with my parents, and because of that, I feel like I'm becoming more and more of a recluse, to the point that it's even affecting my health.Now, finally, here's my dilemma: I'm just about to start applying for universities (I skipped a grade, in case you're wondering about the technical details) and lately, I've been considering the option of moving to a different city, just to get away from my parents. That's basically my only way of moving out right now, because otherwise, they wouldn't see the point, and probably wouldn't support me financially. In fact, they would be hurt and offended if I moved out for no good reason, but going away for university happens to be an excellent reason.My sister already did a couple of years ago for grad. school, and it's evident how much happier she is living 2000 kilometers away from them. The thing is, she was 21, I'm only 17; And frankly, the prospect of moving to a city I've never been before is slightly frightening. I should also mention that all of my friends plan to attend the universities here, so I would really be on my own. The other problem is that one of the programs I'm very interested in is only available here, so essentially, moving somewhere else would mean sacrificing that and doing my "plan b" major instead. (Mind you, it's not a bad plan b, and I am actually interested in some of those other universities)So, all that considered, what would you do? Would you move out, or bear with your parents for three more years? (Sorry for the long rant, I had no idea this post would turn out to be so long.)Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!!!
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reader, highculture +, writes (17 October 2010):
highculture is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your answers. I liked the fact that you all took three different approaches to it, now I guess I just have to weigh the pros and the cons.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (16 October 2010):
I wouldn't move out just yet.
When I was 18 I moved out to live in another city far away. The problem was that I'm a country girl; I lived in a small village where everyone knows everyone. Suddenly moving to a big city where you become anonymous was a big transition for me.
Also, it's very easy to lose yourself because you can do what you damn well please. If you've always been reigned in, the chance of splurging in nightlife and who knows what else is pretty big.
Then there's the fact that your current friends and the study you want to do are right where you are now. There's a risk of becoming much more lonely when you move. There are many possibilities.
For me, the big move didn't pan out so well. I started to miss my old friends even though I met some great people. My room was a small contraption (I couldn't afford bigger) and much of my free time was lost on a job that I had on the side to finance everything.
Your parents seem afraid of criticism. That means they're quite weakminded people. Despite this, I think you should let them know how unhappy you really are, be it in a conversation or through a letter. You don't have to get in depth about differences in opinions because they will draw up a wall around themselves and ignore everything else you say.
Just tell them you feel smothered in such a manner that you feel you're suffocating. Tell them you're disappointed in their lack of trust in you and that you haven't done anything to deserve that. Tell them you would like to be able to confide in them, but that their reluctance to discuss anything other than safe subjects prevents you from doing this. Basically they need to know that they aren't the great parents they think they are, but do it in such a way that they feel they can change it.
I know that dealing with hardheaded family members, especially your parents, is hard when they feel they're always right. But you owe it to them and yourself to try to get through to them. If you succeed your life will be so much more enjoyable and you will be able to make ends meet with them in the future as well.
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A
male
reader, Ricemonster +, writes (16 October 2010):
 My brother once said this to me and it stuck with me since: "Before you seek to change others, change yourself first." It can't be taken completely literally, but 'changing' yourself - situation, ability, knowledge, etc is a good start when you want to get away from something that seems to be holding you back.
Your parents may be 'bad' people in terms of ideals towards other ethnicities and lifestyles, but they may not necessarily be bad people towards their kids. I learned this growing up in a once traditional Chinese-influenced family. Take my childhood: my parents and I went through a long period of communication problems, lots of anger, lots of obstacles, lots of differences in opinion. It was only through hardship, consideration, understanding and compromise between the two/three sides, that we have come to this state of equanimity.
Anyway, I am only trying to open a different perspective. When I was a tad younger than you, I thought change was impossible with my parents. Today that is obviously untrue. Alas, it's difficult to open minds up, if neither party wants to change at the moment.
Remember: if you want to move out, you need to be self-sufficient. Which also means you will need to be willing to sacrifice some things.
Take one of my friends for example. She came from a very wealthy family, but at the moment, she 'hates' her family. So she lives on her own, goes to university and has a job. Except, she takes part-time schooling, because if she did part-time work, she wouldn't be able to fund her tuition nor stay afloat living on her own. Therefore, she won't be getting her degree any time soon. It's hard for her, but it's will power she has and the persistence to continue.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 October 2010):
Go to university, enjoy the rest of your life. Is there a university where your sister lives at all? I think you need to get away from your parents, who do seem quite bad to be honest.
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