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female
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*ameless_valkyrie
writes: Me and my mum had always lived together, just us two, until a few years ago when she remarried. I care about my stepdad but I don't get on with him that well.My mum always said she never wanted me to find my father and I never did too until recently. Now I really want to find him, find out why they split as my mum never talks about it. I don't want to hurt her or my stepfather though. Next year i will be legally allowed to find him without their knowlegde but I don't know if I want to wait that long. What should I do? My mum doesn't know how I feel. Should I tell her? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (27 July 2006):
 A year isn't that long if you don't want to tell them. BUT I would confide iont them about how you are feeling. I think the chances are they have talked over this situation already and know how they are going to deal with it already.
If your parents love you the chances are they will support you. If your biological father is a *rat* or a badlad they may try to put you off or tell you not to get your hopes up. But if you don't tell them and they find out they will probably be hurt that you didn't feel able to confide in them.
Good luck and I hope it all turns out well for you all.
xx
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 July 2006):
 Don't sneak around your mum; that's going to be the surest way possible to cause a rift and bad feelings.
Instead, talk to her about this, gently, in small steps. Find a time when you're together and alone and introduce the topic with her, saying that you know she's against the idea, but that you really want to know about your father. Tell her what's in your heart. Are you just curious about who he is? Are you wondering what grudge she holds against him? Are you worried that he's done something awful? Do you feel a need to know about your genetic history?
Whatever the main reasons for wanting to find out about him, tell your mum, and ask her if she'll help you find the answers. Be sure that she knows you love her for raising you so well on her own, and that you understand that she wanted to protect you for whatever reason, but this is something that's been gnawing at your mind and you really want to know.
She may not want to talk about it. She may not want to help you at all. That's her prerogative. But at least you've clued her in to what you're thinking, and given her the chance to help.
If she doesn't blurt out your entire paternal history, that's OK. Give her time to come around to telling you on her own terms, at her own speed. I don't know, but if she's this tightlipped, there might be some ugly stuff there that she doesn't want to deal with.
You might get dribs and drabs, hints from context, things like that. If you do, write down everything you hear, so you can piece things together in a cogent way later. Eventually, your mum might be more willing to give you details when you can ask about specific events and details.
And if all else fails, it's only a matter of months until you're old enough to find out about him on your own. Be patient. Give your mum a chance and you'll preserve your good relationship with her *and* find out about your dad.
Good luck!
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (26 July 2006):
 I don't understand why your mum has never spoke to you about this before, before you do anything talk to her tell her how you feel she may now think you are old enough to understand reg your stepdad it will take time for you all to adjust and I am glad that you say you do not want to hurt any of them hopefully your mum and you can have a long talk and then you can make your mind up reg your dad but please don't build a picture in your head building your dad up as this might not be the case and at the end of the day your mum has been there for you and always will be take care
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female
reader, Tine +, writes (26 July 2006):
 you should definately tell her, and do it sooner rather than later! There is obviously something that your mom holds agianst your dad and thats why she doesnt want you to try to find him. So i say ask her why she doesnt want you to meet him, maybe its because of something that he has done or said and shes just trying to protect you. But everyone deserves to know where they come from, even if it is from somewhere bad. So sit your mum down and tell her that this is something that you really wanna do and ask her why she never talks about it. however if it does come to the bit when you and your dad meet i wont stress it enough for you to be prepared for the worst. I dont mean to bring you down or anything but there are just some people out there who prefer their pasts to be kept in the past and you need to realise this just incase your real dad is one of these people. Your step dad and mom should respect your wishes by being ok with the situation however you need to make aware that this new relationship with your dad will not affect the way you see your step dad at all to give them reassurance because im sure a million and one things will be going through their minds whenever you tell them.
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