A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HiI am 24 and have been in a relationship for 9 months with a 30 year old man and it has been great. Our sex during this time has mainly involved me being anally receptive, which I have enjoyed a lot. I have recently asked him if we could switch things round and explore his bum, however he will not entertain the idea. I am finding this difficult as, while I would never want him to do anything he doesn't want to, I feel his reasons may be because he has negative ideas about receiving anal sex. The main reason he gives for not wanting to try is that he has tried with previous partners and doesn't like the feeling. Although he has been in a relationship where he was the receptive partner and enjoyed it with that person which confuses me. The reason I have only brought it up recently is that I feel that him having a negative attitude to anal sex is affecting my self esteem as he is more than willing to penetrate me but, me doing it to him is an unattractive idea. Also he has enjoyed anal sex with another partner but he is sure he won't with me. In general he seems to have issues around not being in control and I was wondering if this has something to do with it. Apart from this we have tried lots of other new things sexually together and we are both open to new ideas.I'm sure that eventually we will stumble though this problem somehow, however I would appreciate any advice you could give. This is my first relationship and I don't have any gay friends I could talk about this with so I'm finding it difficult to know if I am being reasonable or how to deal with this situation.
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male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (20 May 2009):
It sounds like he isn't very willing to compromise. Control could very well be a big part of it, as he probably likes to be the one in charge.
Saying it wasn't good with some other partners isn't a very good response from him, as like you say it has been good for him before and you're not the other partners - you're you.
All you can do is talk to him about and explain how you're feeling. You sound perfectly reasonable to me. Hopefully he would at least give it a go as he has done it before and it might be good with you.
He might not be willing to try ever, and if that is the case you'll need to work out whether you can be ok with that or not.
A
male
reader, Dreamlover  +, writes (19 May 2009):
 Hi There
YOu remind me so much of my partner and your partner of me. OK to be honest its a control issue and i have that as well. I do not like to be penetrated and yet its our both first gay encounter yet he is more receptive than i am. Its been 8 years. I have tried it over this period bu i generally do not like it, when i say that its more of the idea that anything else, when i have tried it its been good.
The only simple answer to this is to talk to him about it, not during sex but in a normal conversation and to tell him how you feel. If there is love there then at least you can both work on it.
Communication is the best key to any problem. You must be honest with him and dont give up until you both come to a conclusion.
xxx
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