A
male
age
41-50,
*rustrated1
writes:Dear Cupid...My girlfriend is frustrating me to no end. She is super jealous of my work. I work from home as a freelance web developer. I work sometimes 18 to 20 hours per day. I make time to spend with her when I can. Usually every weekend, and for a few hours every night during the week, so we can have dinner or watch a movie etc...I used to just see her when I could, and she said it wasn't enough, so I made more time for her, and now she isn't even taking advantage of the time that I do have.She is diagnosed with anxiety disorders, hyperglycemia and she gets migranes a lot. She never feels good, and in being so, she is always stressed out, and passes it on to me.She gets what I call "Gremlins", which are emotional issues after midnight, and MUST talk about them on text messages. Usually pertaining to "Us", and if not, the conversations always turn in that direction and usually end up with us arguing over text. I CAN'T STAND TEXT MESSAGES! Not to mention, I have severe carpal tunnel syndrome, and it hurts my hands to even type, and knowing this, she insists on texting, sometimes for 6+ hours arguing on text, all the while, I can't get my work done, so that I can free up even more time to spend with her.I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. On the one hand, I want her to be happy, and feel comfortable talking to me about anything. On the other hand, the only thing she ever seems to want to talk about is how miserable she is, or "us".I lost my job about 6 months ago, and have been freelancing ever since. She hasn't had a job the entire time I've known her. I went from 8 hours a day 5 days a week to 15+ 5/6 days a week. I MUST work to pay my bills, and get ahead and not go into debt. I've had discussions about this with her numerous times and she seems to understand at the time, however, when the Gremlins come out.... All of her logic goes out the window and she must persist at strangling every ounce of positive energy I have to where I am completely defeated by morning and can't focus anymore.I don't know what to do anymore.In some ways, it feels like she wants someone to be miserable with her. If this is the case, I am okay with just letting her go, however, this isn't my first choice.Is there something you can think of that might shed some light on this for me, and point me in a different direction, other than just blowing the whole thing up and moving on?I'm tired of being defeated, exhausted, unfocused and unmotivated.Sincerely,Frustrated1
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female
reader, gracenotwill  +, writes (19 May 2009):
Hi there. I hope I can help!!! My boyfriend also does freelance webwork as well as working 27 hours a week, plus running his business from home, so time is always an issue for us. Chuck in having his 7 year old half the time too!
I have hypoglycemia and have felt the frustrations your girlfriend feels. The night time Gremlins could be down to the fact her blood sugar levels drop, and believe me when that happens there is no logic to the rubbish we come out with!
Try to set aside 2 nights a week where you both focus on each other (If we can, anyone can) to have a nice time, and the other times will be work/you time related (because you need to relax too!). Make it clear that webwork pays the bills so from time to time it'll creep in but you'd prefer to have fun with her than work, as would anyone!
Is she able to help you with webwork? I found it much more digestable that my boyfriends computer was taking his focus away from me when I actually understood what he does and tried to cut his time on the pc by working with him. (exactly the same thing goes with computer games- i hate them though, and prefer to read a girly mag whilst he shoots and mames zombies!)
Maybe get rid of the Gremlins by suggesting a cuddle on the sofa, a 'how was your day' chat and a nighttime hot drink (this'll lower the sugar levels) before you go off to bed whenever possible - just 45 minutes a night to connect with each other.
I feel, because she doesn't have a job she's dedicating alot of her free time to overthinking things and wishing she were with you. Clearly this will change alot once she has another job, so maybe offer to spend an hour or so at the weekends looking for jobs with her. Also look a couple of times in the week online for her (it'll show your interest and only take up half an hour, but get you brownie points!).
Get her to research the hypoglycemia and show you - it helps understand the crazy way of thinking that happens in the bad times. By encouraging her to make positive changes she'll do things for herself and become happier.
If not, and she becomes to demanding and won't look at things from your point of view after a few months or so then maybe you can find someone who will understand.
It's tough, I know. I have the same thing. You're not alone! Just try to be fair and understanding, then you're not the bad guy. I hope it works out x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): I can somewhat understand her stress. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have time for you. When you're in a committed relationship, a few hours a week really isn't good enough. Sorry to say, but to most women (or men for that matter), it isn't. It's not how you maintain a relationship. The fact that she has anxiety isn't helpful.
However, I understand your situation with the economy. Are you looking for another job? If not, you probably should be so you can have a normal schedule with her if you so desire. It doesn't sound to me like she wants someone to be miserable with. It sounds to me as though she's already miserable, your schedule is making her even more miserable, and her misery is reflecting upon you-but she cares enough to keep discussing her problems and trying to fix them. At this point in time, I'm not sure there is a clear cut solution. You NEED to spend more quality time with her to make her happy and to reduce her stress. On the other hand, she needs to focus on herself and try bettering herself for both of your sakes. But seriously stop and think about how you would feel if someone you loved deeply was basically saying "I don't have time for you."
Have you tried explaining to her that this free lancing will only last until you can secure a stable job and then will have more time for her? Until then, you need to keep working so you can feed yourself-just inform her of that. And if you hate texting so much, then don't. Just call her. It's not that difficult to send a text stating "my wrist hurts, I'll call"
The best weapon in your arsenal is simply to explain things in as much detail as possible and to keep reassuring her of your care for her, but you don't have the physical or emotional strength to continue in the current state. If she still can't accept this, then you both might be happier with someone else. Working so much, you don't really have time to be in a committed relationship with someone who simply refuses to understand. But before that, I'd suggest busting your hump to find another job if your relationship is important to you. It's up to you to decide how important it is and what it's worth.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 May 2009):
 I think you are right here, this woman just wants someone to be miserable with and is dragging you down with her. I think she has some serious issues that she needs to deal with and unfortunately you cannot do anything for her. She cannot see that you are doing your best to juggle your job and your relationship, and all the while this is affecting your quality of life. If she cannot wake up and realise just how much you are trying here then you might just have to call it a day.
I know you are looking for some advice that will help your relationship as opposed to just saying "dump her and move on" but realistically there is not a lot you can do.
You have made sacrifices and changes in your life to accomodate her and not many men would put up with a woman who is so needy. And the only way she can stop being needy is by being alone for quite some time and sorting out her own "gremlins". She shouldnt have any issues with your relationship at all - you seem to be doing everything you can for her, what more can she ask of you?
I think you need to let her go, you will actually be doing her a favour by leaving her. By being alone she will have to face up to her issues and how destructive they are in her relationships. She needs to realise she needs her own job and to become more independent rather than just being jealous of someone elses life and trying to drag them down out of her own jealousy. She will of course struggle on her own but it is the best thing for her, she is just not mentally secure enough for a relationship at the moment and needs to be alone.
And you have to start putting yourself first - stop trying to please her while trying to maintain your own life! You need a woman who makes your life better and who adds something to the relationship, not drains it. You cannot fix this woman, and you cannot help her to make these gremlins go away. So unless you want to continue like this for years, with her wearing you down until you dont even recognise yourself anymore, then you have to do what is best for you and leave her. Love will not save this one, nor will you throwing everything you have at this.
Maybe one day when she has sorted herself out you could give things another try but for now she needs to be alone and you need to focus on yourself for a while. You will need time to recover after this relationship - no relationship should be this hard and require so much effort!
I hope this helps!
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