A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusedinkansas
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years. She absolutely adores me and would do anything for me. I love her, she is such a wonderful person.However, over the last year I've found myself less attracted to her and wanting to see what its like to be with someone else. She is my first proper girlfriend and the girl I lost my virginity to. This makes me feel like I should be broadening my experience so I can know whether what I feel is true long lasting love or not. We're at the stage now where she's hinting at marriage and kids, but I can't see myself ever happily committing to that - I'd be bottling up my curiosity and I have a feeling I'd only be storing up resentment for later.I recently moved from the UK to the US with work, semi-permanently. I've been here 3 months without her (she's due to join me soon) and its given me a chance to think thinks through. I think I have to end it - but it will break her heart and I'm not sure I could forgive myself if I do that. What if I do and it turns out she was the one? I just want her to be happy but this emotional torture is too much.Help.
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male
reader, confusedinkansas +, writes (1 August 2007):
confusedinkansas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
Its been a very hard few days. Due to the internal pain & conflict I was feeling the last few days I spent in Kansas I was very despondent when talking to my girlfriend over the phone. 2 days before I came back to London she flat out asked me whether I was still in love with her (not necessarily expecting what was to come). It all came out and I told her that I wasn't sure she was the one after 5 years and that I thought it would be best to end it rather than carry on with the uncertainty. We split up that night.
I've since returned to London to see her and say goodbye in person. That was the hardest day of my life. The mental image of her letting the door swing shut as she left our apartment for the last time will haunt me forever. I also realised that day when faced with her again in the flesh how strongly I do feel about her and how much I love her. I didn't want to let her go. I'm now so sad without her. Everything reminds me on her and makes me recall all the great stuff we did together. She is torn up which makes me even sadder, thinking of her pain.
I'm now scared I've done the wrong thing. Is it common to feel so miserable after a break up you initiated? Surely it should be the other way around. I just find myself wishing she was here, maybe because I miss the feeling of having a girlfriend but more because I miss the little things about HER.
But at the same time, I know that she will never be the stunning beauty my lust tells me I want and causes me to look elsewhere. I also know I sometimes feel she isn't my intellectual equal and we can't have the kind of in depth discussions I have with my parents. But does any of that matter?
Why am I still emailing her 5 times a day and constantly checking for her replies? Would I do that if I really didn't love her? Or my current feelings just a natural reaction to the break up to avoid the pain we both feel?
Sorry for the essay... but I needed an outlet.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): tell her u lover but ur not absolutly sure if u wanna commit at this point of ur life. tell her how u really feel and u do not want to hurt her and keep beign friends no matter what!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): you have to tell her now before she changes her whole life for you only to have it ruined a few years from now when you can't go on with her any more
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A
female
reader, shazzzx11189  +, writes (17 July 2007):
My boyfriend is going through something similar now too. He is starting college in the fall and we have been together for 2 1/2 years. About three weeks ago we broke up. This has given both of us time to think about what we really wanted. I have changed a lot in those three weeks which is unbelievable. Though, his honesty and his actions thoroughly improved my jealousy and neediness. So maybe, the best action is to just be completely honest in how you feel and give yourselves time to think. Whether that be 1 week or 2 or 3 months. Whenever you are ready.
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (17 July 2007):
I agree with Penta. You feel guilty about hurting your girlfriend now, but if there is no future in this, you will hurt her a lot more later on. She has her life to live as well, and if you hold onto her because you can’t face up to a tough decision, you are holding her back. She will get over you. Everyone gets over heartbreak. Do what you know is right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): im in a very similar situation, we've been together 13 months and her parents want us to get a flat together, but i know inside that she is not the one and i have been much less attracted to her recently. i have spoken about it to her, but she is determined we will live happily ever after, etc.. as i am her first real relationship. it will be painful, but as has already been said: if your heart isnt truly in it, you will never really be happy together. and staying with her just to stop her from getting hurt will only turn you bitter later. and you will be tempted into cheating with someone who seems more what you are really looking for. i know i have. it is best for both of you to end while you still can. but if you think there is any chance of you staying with her, then you should think about why you got with her in the first place, and why you have stayed together so long, the happy times you've had, and see if these memories outweigh the bad feelings you're having.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 July 2007):
 You seem to be a very sensitive person and obviously care deeply for your partner, but it seems you have faced some pretty big changes recently, moving to work abroad and having her bring up the subject of marriage and kids. Both of these things are life changing events that will in effect shake you out of your comfortable 'rut'. You have the excitement of suddenly being out there, on your own in a new country with a certain amount of freedom, you most definitely are meeting new people and that is bound to inspire thoughts of, perhaps, romantic connections' seeing as you have only ever experienced them with her. Your suddenly a kid in a candy shop.
The suggestion of marriage and kids conflicts directly with these new experiences your having and it may be her way of affirming your commitment to her, seeing as you are suddenly living apart. Perhaps she is just testing the water and is prepared to wait a few more years before really settling down with you.
The most definite thing is that you are obviously not ready for marriage, so don't go there unless your really sure, only you can decide when your ready, but you must be very honest with your partner, for heavens sake don't string her along, she will smell a rat immediately. These are big issues and they need open and honest discussion.
While you are apart, you must give her some reassurance that your going to be faithful, by all means get out and make new friends, but if you think your getting in too deep with someone else, then you have to be a man about it and either back off from the new gal and tell her your in a relationship, or you have to tell your partner it's over. Harsh pills to swallow indeed. Cheating isn't acceptable and you can rarely have your cake and eat it, without someone getting hurt.
Take a time out to think about all your partner means to you, you wont enjoy any life with her if your hearts not truly in it, but you might be blowing the chance of a lifetime to have a wonderful new life with her when she joins you.
Hold off the wedding plans until you are both completely sure its right for you. If its not, there will always be time for other relationships when you go your seperate ways, but for now, I say, give it a chance!!!
Aunty Em x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): Hey there, After reading your passage, you mentioned that you find yourself less attracted to her. This can happen since many partners wish for new things in sexual activity. IF your finding yourself less attracted to her, try talking with her about it honestly. This can leave both of you at an uneasy state but it will help both of you understand the situation more. Many partners wish for more excitement while there in a relationship which results in "cheating". A lot of people rush into more sexual and wild activities, not really considering their current partner. Regret is something which happens. If you still think you love her, "never leave the one you love for the one you like".
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 July 2007):
 In these situations it is always best to put yourself in the other person's position. Would you want to be with someone who felt this way towards you? I think not. You are doing her a huge disservice by stringing her along when you don't feel there is a happy future. Be as gracious as you can be when you end it. She will appreciate your honesty and remember broken hearts do mend.
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A
female
reader, lmbound +, writes (17 July 2007):
I say let her go. Nothing worse than being stuck later. For the both of you. Life is to short.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Think long term. What will break her heart more? Losing you now, when it's honest and she still has her home/friends/support/chance for kids with someone else? Or losing you later when you finally get the nerve to be honest with her? At that point she will have moved away from her supporting friends and home, and she will have wasted the years she had for having children on you (someone who didn't have the stones to be honest with her).
The KINDEST thing you can do is to be honest. If "no" to a future (marriage, kids) is the answer, she needs to know this as soon as possible so that she can heal, find someone who wants what she wants, and get on with her life! She deserves someone who loves her the way she loves them, and you have decided you can't be that person. So move on, and let her move on too.
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