A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife approaching 14 years now and married for three. Four years ago my wife confessed to me that she had kissed another man that delivers to her work. She said she felt terrible about it immediately after, she quit her job and severed all contact with him. My wife is very attractive so I was used to men flirting with her but I was distraught at this. Eventually I managed to see the positives in that she told me, she took every step she could to distance herself from this guy and has earned my trust back over the last few years. Up until a few weeks ago I felt pretty much over it and happy. That changed after a conversation we had one evening. Its never been an elephant in the room and has been something that we do speak about on occasion. Some things always bothered me a little about it all. She never told me his name, or how it came about that they kissed. I'm not dumb and know two people don't just decide to kiss. There has to be some sort of build up.Anyway, I asked her the other night as I had done in the past and she reluctantly told me this time. Apparently this guy had liked her for years and made no secret of it. She enjoyed the attention so did used to play up to it to a point. They kissed and then afterwards he tried to get her to meet him outside of work. She never did and she also never gave him her phone number. He also told her that he was totally in love with her. Apparently he was moving away, not that far but well out of the area and wanted her to go with him. I couldn't resist googling his name and eventually found this guy. All those things that he told my wife were pure bull shit. He wasn't single, he has been engaged to his partner for 9 years, has 4 children and still lives close by.Now, this is my problem. I've gone from being pretty relaxed about it all to boiling with anger. This guy used my relationship for his amusement. He lied to my wife and tried to ruin our relationship so he could get her in to bed. I now know where this guy lives and where he now works. I'm not a hot head at all and haven't thrown a punch since I was 12 but I want to confront this guy. I want to tell him I know everything and I want to tell his partner what a total scumbag she is planning on marrying. I know my wife would be mortified if I did these things and i haven't told her what I know. My question is should I do this, or should I just let sleeping dogs lie? It really is going to take some solid willpower to leave things alone as I have been angry since she told me and it shows no sign yet of going away. Thanks all.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 It won't do you any good. You need to let this go and move on with your life. I highly doubt that what your wife told you is 100% the truth. She probably likes the attention she gets when you are jealous. Was your wife honest to him? Did she tell him she was engaged? Maybe she told him she was available, you will never know. You need to let this go or it will eat you up. It was your wife that done the mistake. It was her that hurt you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2017): Mate- don't be surprised for one second that there are lies in the story.Don't get me wrong- I'm not accusing your wife of lying. But the guy was, basically, trying to get into your wife's pants. He's married with kids, of course he was probably lying to her- we all know guys like that, and they'll say anything that will increase their chances.Going and confronting him won't make any difference, he might not even remember. He sounds like that kind of bloke that's probably often trying it on with other women. And who knows what bullshit he might feed you if you meet him.Be angry about it, that's ok. Talk with your wife about it a bit more, but only to express your anger- about him, not her. You don't need more details about the event. The anger will fade away, but the nagging voice about it won't- it never did.You'll need to do a bit of soul searching to really get past it, but trying to do that while angry will get you nowhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): Google the term "trickle Truth".
This is what you have been getting and it's probably not over yet. There has been a lot of buildup and your wife is showing a lot of guilt & lying for just a kiss.
Forget the other guy. The world is full of douchebags and you can't fight them all. Focus on your wife.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 April 2017):
 I also agree with WiseOwlE
Nothing GOOD or PRODUCTIVE can come of contacting this fella.
Sure he lied to your wife (and probably to his own as well) it's NOT really THAT surprising that SOME guys will say ANYTHING to get in a woman they fancy's knickers. My guess is this "Johnny Slick" is a serial cheat and your wife was JUST another "would-be" notch in his bedpost. THANKFULLY, your wife had the respect and love for you, herself and your relationship to NOT take it further and to CONFESS to you and REMOVE herself FULLY from this man and his influence - and she did that NOT knowing that all the things he told her were pure "wanna-be-player" bullshit.
I DO understand that you feel "offended" on the behalf of your wife and in a way yourself and that you would LIKE to make sure HE knows what kind of disgusting guy he is. HERE is the thing though, IF you DO so all you accomplish is that you MAKE him the CENTER of YOUR marriage, and you ACCEPT his DRAMA into YOUR life and marriage, something I suspect you DON'T want.
Instead, MAKE your life and marriage with your wife a GREAT one. My guess is this guy doesn't HAVE a great marriage and that it's most likely due to HIS own behavior. That is why he tries to "woo" other women.
Take a minute and consider just how RIDICULOUSLY sad and pathetic this guy is. He has to come up with elaborate lies and schemes to try and get a woman to "do" things with him. What your wife initially liked about him was a lie, a facade.
I have no doubt this guy would get a kick out of your outrage because it would make him think he MEANT something to your wife, when he REALLY didn't.
YOU, on the other hand, she loves for WHO you are. He can't compare.
Don't let this loser from the past be part of your marriage and relationship with your wife any longer. Banish him mentally and focus on the here and now and the future.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 April 2017):
 The way I see it is, this happened before you were married so even though she slipped up while being in a relationship, she never cheated on you after she took her vows with you and that to me is what really counts. She owned up, she realized her mistake and she never repeated it again. Isn't that what's important?
And that's not even the bothersome part. The worrying thing is, *you* haven't been able to move on and forgive and forget when a mature person would have by now.
You say that you speak about this occasionally. And how does that play out? Why does this even come up? Do you plan out ways in which you can talk about this to vent out your anger in a subtle way? Why, after 4 years, does this thing which is done and dusted even need to be discussed? Your wife quit her job, cut off all contact with this man, told you the truth and you married her despite knowing whatever's happened. Why did you go ahead with it if this was such a big deal to you? You are not over this incident, you weren't over it when you married her and you don't seem to be anywhere close to getting over it anytime soon.
You now say you want to go and confront and beat up the man who your wife had one kiss with, 4 years ago!! Just stop there for a moment and see how ridiculous this sounds! What is this going to achieve? Do you think that physically hurting the guy will solve your problem? Do you realize that it could get you arrested, that it could blow open your lives in front of your family and friends and that it could potentially damage everything for good? How does it concern you if the man's fiance is marrying a scumbag? Do you think breaking their marriage will be satisfaction enough for you? Punching him, breaking his nose and spewing insults will make you feel better?
You need counseling at the earliest and you also really seriously need to learn anger management. You're reactions are not commensurate with the actions that have caused them.
I'm curious, why do you have nothing better to talk about than discuss the past with your wife and that too things which are of no significance? What more do you want her to do and tell you? How much more can she pay for it and why is she even putting up with this talk of her past from you?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 April 2017):
 The line that stands out for me from your post is "I know my wife would be mortified if I did these things".
Are you going to let this man carry on damaging your relationship? If you confront him and your wife finds out, which she is likely to do, that is exactly what you will be doing. She will never see you in the same way again.
Be the bigger man (which I am sure you can be) and leave it in the past where it belongs.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (9 April 2017):
 So to be clear:you wouldn't be seething with rage had your wife been informed by her kisser that he had a family? You're mad because your wife was duped by a guy who said he was available? Is your thought process "she wouldn't have done it if she had known he had a family"? Cause: she did it knowing she has a family with you. Really, the person who's responsible here is your wife. And it DOES sound like she's taking responsibility but that's not to say that she didn't cause damage or you should be "over" it or something. I would go to individual counseling just to patch up your pain from this and maybe invite her in once you've made some progress to continue rebuilding trust.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (9 April 2017):
 Leave it be.
Your wife came clean and you evidently forgave her enough at the time to propose a year later. How do you know this guy didn't also confess to his partner at some point and work through it with her for the sake of their four children? Or that they don't have an open relationship, for that matter? You don't.
It happened years ago, it's over and done with, and it's not your business anymore. Take the high road and leave your wife's mistake in the past where it belongs. I say it's hers because SHE was in a relationship with you at the time and so SHE owed you appropriate behavior for someone in a committed relationship. This guy could not have been a factor in YOUR relationship without her participation. And no, I'm not saying go be angry with her all over again, as she has made amends and a kiss is fairly tame as cheating goes. I just want to put it in perspective for you that there's NO justification for a vendetta with the other guy over this. I do understand that it feels fresh to you because you just found out, but everyone else has put it in the past. The sooner you are able to do the same, the less you allow this incident to damage your marriage and your peace of mind.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (9 April 2017):
WiseOwlE is right...what you are proposing is ridiculous and you'd look like a fool to everyone including your wife.
I doubt this guy would have kissed your wife if she hadn't been flirting with him in the first place.
And why would you want to ruin the relationship this fellow and his fiance have? The only answer to this questions is that you are being childish. Four years ago? I don' know your wife but doing what you propose would suddenly drive a huge wedge in your relationship for many if not most wives. You are more likely to damage your relationship than his. Are you serious? You are shooting from the hip and really need to think this out. Give it up, friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2017): Apparently you ARE a hot-head, and what you're considering is totally outrageous! You don't even know if your wife didn't make every bit of that story up to get your attention and make you jealous.
On top of all this, you're bringing up some alleged incident that happened four years ago. If it ever even happened at all!!! She might have had a crush, and just embellished on that.
How were you treating your wife at the time this supposedly occurred? Was your marriage in trouble then, or is it now?
You have no idea how a confrontation with this guy might turn out. It might land your ass in jail, if he doesn't knock you out first. He has kids, and a wife. There was an indiscretion that your wife said she consented to; again, if it ever happened anywhere outside her imagination.
How your four-year delayed reaction to all this doesn't seem irrational to you, is beyond any stretch of the imagination!
I suggest you run this through the frontal-lobe of your brain, where we reason and make choices; and reconsider how ridiculous this belated-response to an alleged-incident is.
Beside the fact he might knock your block off; I suggest you behave like a rational adult and let it go. You have everything to lose, and telling his fiance to destroy his family just might backfire. They'll think you're out of your mind; and they won't be far from wrong.
Everyone has put this alleged bullsh*t behind them but you.
Seriously, man?!! Showing up four years later, about something that may or may not have ever happened.
You'd look foolish in any case.
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