A
female
age
30-35,
*unkyfairy121
writes:ive been in love for months with a boy. he works with me, and has told me hundreds of times he loves me too and he really wants to be with me. but he has a "girlfriend" a girl who he texts constantly but never sees face to face. we have hooked up a couple of times but last night things really came to a head. we were with all our friends and one of his mates took him aside and told him to open his eyes . they were talking for ages and he eventually tried to call his girlfriend but couldnt get through so he left numerous messages telling her it was over and he needs to get on with his life and not be tied back by her anylonger. he came and found me and told me what he had done and that he loved me and all he ever wanted was to hold me and keep me safe. we both had a little cry together and spent the night together much to the delight of all our friends who were extatic because they have been trying to get us together properly for ages. this morning we were looking at his phone and his ex was sending him hundreds of angry texts telling him that i am a cheap little whore and that she still loves him and he is making a big mistake. i did my best to reassure him but i could see doubt niggling away at him. after everyone left today i texted him to ask how she is taking it and if she has rationalised. he hasnt text me back. he always texts back, straight away. i just looked at his youtube page, and, despite the fact that he signed in earlier today there is a background of pictres of her. i wouldnt care if it was like that previously and he hadn;t gotten around to changing it. but i have this feeling that it wasnt that background last time i looked which cant be more than a week ago. he's told me he's mine and he loves me. but the time before when we hooked up he promised to break up with her and never did. i fear that he is so weak willed that everything she tells him he will believe. unfourtunalty, despite being 22 he is incredibly immature, almost naive. he is very shy around people and believes everything he is told. i just have this horrible feeling that hes taken her straight back and broken my heart again. i wish i didnt love him. but i cant stop. i would rather he put me down straight but he is leading me on and it is so painful. please write and offer advice for me, the only person i ever talk to about this sort of thing, my sister, is facing final exams and i cant dump on her again like i always do. please help me.
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female
reader, funkyfairy121 +, writes (30 November 2010):
funkyfairy121 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi to everyone who gave me advice. sorry for being so stupid, i really was blind, and now i see that he is fickle and unreliable. I have had a steady boyfriend for 3months now, who, instead of living with his mum at 23, working the same job as he always had since he was 17, is out there carving his own life as a medical student. I am really lucky, and he has helped me get over george for once and for all. you're right, i only listened to what i wanted to hear instead of honest, impartial advice. sorry!
A
female
reader, Eyespy17  +, writes (2 November 2009):
Honestly, I think this guy is playing both of you.. working it out that he's "torn" between the two of you.
CUT HIM LOSE and move on... PLEASE.
You don't need this emotional drama.
Then, if he ever REALLY breaks up with her , maybe you can be together for real down the line. But, until them, don't get caught up in his drama.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Well, sometimes the truth is hard to hear, and you can say I am being rude, but you are too close to the situation and you aren't thinking clearly.
And no, I don't see the situation any differently, you are saying he is immature so he can't do this, you say he is weak willed so he won't do that....you are making excuses for him. Look at what is, not what you believe.....his actions speak louder than words.
No where in my post did I call you a slut, if that is what you read then you are feeling like one because never did I use those words....I merely restated what you wrote here with all the justifications running through your head, the facts, the events are still the same, different interpretation from an unemotional, uninvolved, impartial third party.
You aren't going to learn anything from the advice or hear anything other than what you want to hear. You are justifying getting involved with him knowing he was already involved by telling yourself she doesn't matter because she is younger and because he hasn't seen her in a long time, I clearly don't believe he "never" sees her, why would he call her a girlfriend if he never saw her...he is probably lying about that. you justify yourself by saying you can't help how you feel.
You can feel how you feel, but part of being an adult is not always acting on those feelings and instead thinking about what the smart thing would be to do. Like not get involved with a coworker who has a girlfriend or a wife because now you have to see him every day and it doesn't sound like it is working out in your favor.
Sorry, I made you mad, you asked for advice, not to make a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): erm i think you have a point, certainly, but there is no need whatsoever to be so rude to someone who have never met and have no idea about. I do get what you are saying, but it is very difficult to make youself feel a certain way! i wrote completely honestly in my question, he doesnt ever see her, and thats the truth. its not that she lives a long way away, she lives in the same town, but is quite a bit younger than he is and both his and her parents would be furious about it if they found out. he would see her i think but it has been so long since he has that now he has built up a fear of doing so and he isn't really at all strong willed. after we got together the first time i begged him to confess it to his girlfriend because i watched my older brother's fiance cheat on him and it was far more heartbreaking when he found out as opposed to her confessing and asking for forgiveness. however he wont tell her and that isnt my fault. i really dont appreciate being made to feel like a slut because i honestly am not and dont you think that if it was easy for me to cut off all my ties with him and forget it i would! its just very difficult as we work together, i have to see him almost everyday. i hope this has imporved your understanding of my problem
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): What would bother me about this whole little scenario is that this guy has a girlfriend and during the time she thought he was hers, he was "hooking up" with you. You say he "never" sees her face to face? How could that be when he calls her his girlfriend, I am assuming that it is now a long distance relationship.Ane he was Mr. Sensitive and dumped her by text. And he told you after hooking up with you that as a favor to you he would dump his girlfriend.What about this even sounds close to a guy that has anything to offer you except more of the same.Yes, he is immature. Men do not dump girlfriends for other women after having sex with them. Men do not have the callousness to dump someone they are in a relationship by text and then trot over and tell the other girl what he just did so he can then "spend the night with her."The other thing that bothers me about this is that you have a circle of "friends" that are sticking their noses in his business and telling him that he should properly be with you. It is none of their damn business!I think you are in love with love and like the Wuthering Heights triangle and drama that this little hooking up relationship has provided to your otherwise mundane life.If you want to date without drama and have a decent boyfriend, then you don't put yourself in the middle of someone elses romance, you just don't do it.You are getting pretty much what you deserve.Either way it works out though I hope that you are happy.
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A
female
reader, funkyfairy121 +, writes (1 November 2009):
funkyfairy121 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much this is really good advice! I am trying to be patient but its just hard when ive waited so long for this! Still i suppose while longer, while it may be frustrating is possible!
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (1 November 2009):
 You need to relax. If you really do want him, think about what you're asking him to do - to break up with somebody he's in a relationship with! The other girl has feelings too you know. I realise you love him, and that's fair enough, but give him time to reach a decision and you'll just have to deal with whatever he decides and if he doesnt choose you, move on. and if he does - treasure it and make the most of it.
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