A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had been on a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend A and we were planning to get married. We were not living together, by the way. Because of this fact of getting married, I decided that I wanted to fool around with somebody else B just to experience "it". All is well for me because I was never ever caught until I started to have some sort of feelings with the other girl B because I became attached to her and the more I knew more about her the more I was drawn to her. The other girl never knew I have a girlfriend at that time. So I tried to fix everything by breaking up with the other girl. However, I can't seem to find the love I had for my girlfriend A before I met the other girl B. As a result, I became numb then eventually broke off with my girlfriend A. I realized I was being unfair so I might as well set her free.After breaking up with my girlfriend A, I immediately got back with the other girl and we had been together for two months then I broke it off with her also because my family does not approve of me dating another race. ( my ex-girlfriend A and I are the same ethnic race, while the other girl is not).Everything was fine before between me and my girlfriend A until I met the other girl so I am trying to get back to her however, I still feel strongly for the other girl despite the hardships and trials I will face if I choose the other girl including losing my means of livelihood and the lifestyle I have been used to.My questions are "Is it possible for me to love my girlfriend A again?""Did I really fall in love with the other girl B?" We have not been together for barely two weeks and I can not seem to let go of her. If I got back together with my girlfriend A my family (parents and siblings) will surely be happy but if I choose the other girl they surely won't but I believe I will be happy.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, bluemissbailey  +, writes (3 November 2011):
 I think you have seen others cheating on their partners and thought that you could get away with it. Girl A is in love with you and you don't deserve her love she gave you her heart. If she met another man it would make you insanely jealous and you would realise what you had just thrown away. I presume shes a good woman and is faithful because of your culture and is acceptable to your family. Girl B is exciting because she is new and easier to have sex with. You need to commit your heart to the one who's stood by you for 9 years and stop having your cake and eating it before you lose both these women who clearly would be better off with a mature man who is not selfish.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to add a simple timeline of what happened:
Late Feb. 2011- I was still with girl A when I met girl B. (I even used a different identity to girl B because I know what I am doing is wrong)
March to April 2011- I was still girl A while dating girl B.
Girl B never knew I have a girl A all along.
Early May 2011- I was exclusive to both girl A and girl B. Both never knew there were 2 of them in 1 man.
Late June 2011- I broke off with girl B as I was getting too attached.
July 2011- Girl B finally knew my identity. I talked to her and explained everything. She never did anything to harm what I have with girl A.
Late August 2011- Broke up with Girl A. Then went after Girl B after a week.
October 2011- Broke up with girl B.
To So_Very_Confused: Girl A is willing to get back with me after everything. We have been meeting for a couple times for the past two weeks since I broke my relationship with girl B. Girl A told me that I only have to prove to her that I have really made up my mind about her and us. She is willing to get back because I have never really told her the reason why I broke up with her in the first place because I know if I did she won't ever take me back for sure.
She told me that she had already dated but that didn't seem to bother me at all. I did not feel any jealousy or desperation. Does this mean I really am no longer in love with her? I am beginning to think that I have never really loved girl A after 9 years. We had been through a lot and I can honestly say that I feel like I have not wasted any of my time with her. Experiences like graduating together from college, experiencing death in a family, having a career change. I feel like we practically grew together. If I never really loved her how come I stayed that long in our relationship? How was I able to make it work with very minimal problems?
I feel like what I had felt for girl B is real. It may not be love but I really liked her for who she is. I know we may have differences and we had never faced any trials in such a short period but what I felt for her was so strong that I managed to turn my back away from a 9 year relationship which I firmly believe had no problems whatsoever until I decided I want to f*ck it up.(Sorry for the language but it really is what i did)
I have had a couple of serious girlfriends in the past but girl B stood out from the rest. I never thought I would enjoy doing the little things with her that I thought I did not like before. I know I will not marry girl B in the next year or the year after yet because I hardly know anything about her but I want to know more about her. I want to experience hardships with her so I will know if the time comes if I will be able to stick my neck for her.
I have known other men who do cheat on their girlfriends but they still manage to stay in the relationship. These men can honestly say that they only do it because they just want a "different view every now and then" Am I stupid for getting attached to girl B at a very short time?
If I decide to have a serious relationship with girl B, will it work out even though we may started it at the wrong foot? But she thought all along I was single so she is not in it just for the thrill...and when we broke up girl B said that she really loved dearly which I have felt from her all along. She just validated it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 While it may be possible for YOU to love A again, I doubt she could love you again. And you would be settling for her.
Did you fall in love with B... well the only reason you ended it with her was because your family disapproved. NOT a good reason in my opinion.
do you want to live your life to make OTHER people happy or do you want to live your life to make yourself happy?
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 November 2011):
 Neither girl is right for you. A is definitely not the right girl because you were happy to cheat on her and have an affair - when you really love someone truly you would never do such an awful thing to them and hurt them in this way. You realised yourself that you were being unfair, and you let her go because you dont love her enough.
As for B, she was just a bit of excitement - the forbidden fruit so to speak. You didnt fall in love with B - what you experienced was lust, excitement, danger and something new. You had been with A a very long time, I'm assuming A was your first proper girlfriend? So when B came along she was new and interesting, as you said you wanted to experience something different. That feeling of excitement and the thrill of something new is easily mistaken for love, and that is what has happened here.
You know B is not a suitable partner for you, and you knew you loved A very much before your affair - you cant get the love for A back unfortunately but you shouldnt be with B either. Move on from both girls and look for someone else - there will be a girl who you fall madly in love with that will also be accepted by your family too, you just need a bit of time being single and then you can start to look for a new girlfriend.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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