A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This situation is really upsetting to me. I'm a woman who has always gravitated to male friends. Having friends that I can share things and confide in is really important to me, and I need to have friends, but I feel that guys understand me and I feel lonely when I'm around other women. I have loads of guy friends but recently several of them have gotten into relationships, and I feel shut out and lonely. I don't want to steal or break up their relationships, but I want to be close to my friends, the way I was before they got girlfriends. I just want to spend time with my guy friends. I don't have anything in common with the girlfriends and I'm not interested in being friends with them. Guys are nicer than girls and I'm not interested in having female friends )there are exceptions, but I would rather have guy friends.I don't have a princess complex, and I understand that I can't ALWAYS come first, but I NEVER come first. Every time one of my guy friends has a girlfriend, he always puts her first... every time. When am *I* going to come first?Why do people think that when a guy gets a girlfriend, it's ok to abandon his female friends?I just miss sharing things and being close emotionally. I don't understand why this is looked upon as cheating. I feel like the girlfriends have stolen my friends away and ruined my friendships. I know in my heart that I just want to be platonic friends with these guys and my heart hurts because they're barely in my life anymore.I feel like I'm searching for something that doesn't exist in this world! Relationships are transient, but when they happen they ruin friendships. Friendships are a bit more stable, but then a girlfriend comes along and the friendship fades. There's this void in my heart and nothing fills it. People have told me to form friendships with other women but I feel that other women lack something. I don't want female friends. I just miss my guy friends.Is it possible for a PLATONIC friendship to endure a relationship and a girlfriend's selfish expectations that the guy will abandon his female friends? I want to be close to my guy friends again and spend time with them as FRIENDS. I want the bonds of my friendships to be as close as they were, and it makes me angry that a girlfriend came along and ruined all that. Relationships are transient, so why is it expected that a guy will abandon his female friends when he gets a girlfriend? I feel like a friendship should come first. This is tearing me up inside... I am depressed. I want to have a friendship and closeness that will last forever. Is this possible or is nothing in the world meant to last? Can a friendship survive if the guy meets a girlfriend? Isn't it selfish of a girl to come along and take a guy away from his female friends? In a way, it seems like stealing to me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Both You Wish and Caring Guy make GREAT points.
"I don't have a princess complex, and I understand that I can't ALWAYS come first, but I NEVER come first. Every time one of my guy friends has a girlfriend, he always puts her first... every time. When am *I* going to come first?"
Sorry but if my boyfriend EVER put a platonic GF ahead of me without my being involved, I'd question his relationship with her.
I've been involved with many men over the years and the ones that were devoted to me would NEVER say "I'm going to hang out with my "platonic member of the opposite sex friend" and you are not invited. NOT that I would have said NO YOU CAN'T because I would have been ok with it.
NO he would never say that because for him it was not an option (until he was not that into me)....
Seriously, GFs will dump you for new boyfriends too.
PRIMARY ROMANTIC relationships are going to always take precedence over platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex.
To be honest my S2BX husband has many friends of the opposite sex. His current GF has forbidden it. I understand it because those friends of his are one of the reasons my marriage ended. I was not more important than them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Well said, YouWish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Don't interfere. Be the good friend and be happy for them.
No offense, but it was because of girls like you, constantly craving male attention, that my boyfriends decided that a friendship with jealous and insecure females is impossible. And their persistence caused many problems in my relationships. A girlfriend will ALWAYS come first. And you need to realize that.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 get a boyfriend! :)
how would you feel if you were in a relationship and your man put his female platonic friend first ahead of you? i am guessing you would not like it! and why are you writing off females to have friendships with? we're not THAT bad! i don't honestly see how you can have more in common with men than your do with women really.
this is a fact of life - friends OF ANY SEX get pretty much dumped, or at least 'not put first' when a relationship comes on the scene, that's just the way it is. all you can do is learn to deal with this fact and maybe this involves getting some kind of counselling for what (forgive me i am not being horrible here) sounds like a self confidence issue, also just make sure you have alternative friends to hang out with when a guy friend is spending time with his girl
x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 May 2011):
I can't really add more to Youwish's comments, since I agree with them. All I can do is give you the male answer on this:
1 - A woman doesn't steal us from female friends. We make a decision about who will come first, and a girlfriend will come first because a girlfriend is one step higher than a friend, whether male or female. Yes, there are some bunny boilers who become far too controlling, but for the most part a man makes his own choice, and the girlfriend comes first because she is the more important.
2 - It is not selfish of a woman to come into a man's life and become his girlfriend, thus getting more attention. Your male friends made the decision to move on with these women.
3 - You show a huge lack of interest in so much as getting to know the girlfriends - and that's bad news for you, because if you can't get to know them or show interest in them, these girlfriends will become wary, as will your own guy friends. You need to be making an effort to get to know these women if you wish to continue seeing the guys here and there. If you don't show an interest in their lives and who they choose to share it with, then they'll assume you have other motives, or a lack of interest, and will move on.
You need to really sit down and look at your own life, and specifically your feelings towards other women. It's worrying that you consider other women to effective be thieves, and selfish, just because your male friends choose to be with them more. That is very unhealthy, and to be honest it does make you seem like you have some kind of fixation on male attention.
I'm afraid these women have done nothing wrong, and neither have your male friends. Because, when it comes down to it, a girlfriend will always come first. And unless you can accept that and engage with the girlfriends, you'll never be able to have the relationship you want with a man.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Great points YW! OP,have you never in your life fallen in love?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 May 2011):
 The only answer that I can come up with is...that's the way it is. Very close friendships between straight guys and straight girls often lead to being more than that. Friendships exist between guys and girls even after relationships, but there are boundaries that are in place. That's a bigger issue in marriage.
The bigger questions aren't about men who get into relationships and then distance themselves emotionally from other women. The bigger ones are about you.
First, why can you not make friends with women? That is an issue when you shut out your own gender. You're shortchanging yourself from the best friends imaginable. A woman's close girlfriends are friends like absolutely no other. You're shortchanging yourself by only wanting male friends, and I think it says a lot about how you view yourself.
Second, and this is bigger, where is your boyfriend? Do you not have a non-platonic friendship with a guy? Do you have a guy to love and who loves you back?
I clearly think that you have intimacy issues. You shun women friendships for "lacking" something, yet you don't speak of a boyfriend who would make you feel like a princess and put you first. You want a safe position when it comes to interacting with others. One doesn't exist. You either risk your heart or you don't. I guarantee that if you fell in love with a man, he wouldn't like it too much if you had ultra-close friendships with other men exclusively. Doesn't matter how pure your intentions are. Is it fair? No, it's not. Is it the way it is? Yeah.
The only way I can see you getting what you want is to make friends with gay men. You wouldn't be encroaching on their romantic partnerships, and you wouldn't lose them to a new partner either.
However, I'm betting that you would find something "lacking" in being friends with gay men. I'm betting that if you were honest with yourself, the "something lacking" is the romantic interest that straight men have for you...the listening ear, the sexual tension, the ATTENTION you get without making yourself vulnerable.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (23 May 2011):
Why are you making the girlfriends out to be the bad guys here? If you are really as close to these guys as you think - they are the ones that should be maintaining the friendship with you. And if you really care about these guys as friends only - you should want to know and hang out with them as a couple because obviously this girl is making your friend happy and she must have something going for her.
Do you have any gay male friends? Do you also refuse to hang out with their boyfriends?
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