A
female
age
30-35,
*ervy
writes:Hey guys,This problem is to do with a guy who previously ran a community music group in my area. We get along really well, he's married. I wasn't really interested in a romantic relationship at all, he's just cool and we like hanging. I should mention I'm 19, and he's 30 something. So recently his wife went away for a few days, and so we were chatting a little more than usual, you know, he was at home by himself etc. etc. Anyway, basically at the end of one of our convos, he said that when his wife came back, we woudlnt' be able to chat as much, because she would be super jealous, and that he had to remain faithful to his marriage vows. Basically he started saying that if he was single he would have no hesitations in basically trying to start a relationship with me. But the weird thing is, he seemed to be struggling with it - he made me feel as if I'd kind of had him cheating on his wife while she was gone away. I asked what would have happened if she'd been gone for longer, meaning to ask whether we would have been chatting the same amount, or whether her would have nipped the situation in the bud, and he said that he probably would have kept on talking to me more and more, and thinking about me more and more often. Its kind of freaked me out!!He's gone away for a week, and he wants to chat when he gets back. I guess my question is, do I have to sever all ties with him (I really would actually just like to be friends with him) - should his wife dictate how much/if we hang out, (i do appreciate that I would be devastated if i was the wife in this scenario) - what kind of things should i be asking when he gets back!? I'm so confused!mervy.
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male
reader, RBM  +, writes (6 October 2009):
I agree with Tigerlily ... he's testing you to see what you say. He's hoping you'll say something like "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" or something saying you're ok with doing something more than flirting. Trust me, this 30 sum year old guy isn't much more mature than single guys closer to your age. He definitely wants something more, and will probably try different approaches trying to find one that works .... I don't know him, but I've known "descent" guys go to extremes when frustrated ... so get out of your situation as fast as you can ... nothing good can come of it ...
A
female
reader, mervy +, writes (5 October 2009):
mervy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks guys,It's really hard but I've definitely taken your advice on board and I'm doing my best!You guys rock.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 September 2009):
Hell no! Don't be friends with him. He's married and should know better! And since you were freaked out, even your own instinct is telling you it's all wrong.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (23 September 2009):
I'm glad to hear it freaked you out -- that's your inner wisdom warning you something is wrong here. You are 19, so you probably don't have much experience with married couples. Let me enlighten you. NO you can't just be friends with a married man - especially not THIS one. Married men do not have attractive 19 yr old female friends. I have male friends who I have known for years (as single guys) just friends. Once they get married... poof. I see them much less... not more.
This guy is definitely looking to cheat. He's telling you he has to remain faithful to his vows to make you feel safe, but look at his actions -he's calling you and talking to you behind his wife's back. He's said 'boy if i were single' letting you know he finds you desirable. He's looking to get in your pants. the "struggling with it" act is to boost your ego - who wouldn't be flattered by "I really want to be faithful BUT wow... you are just SO attractive I can't resist you".
I don't care how "cool" he is... this guy is trouble. What you have going for you is thank god you are not like so many others on these boards - you have NOT been sucked into the quicksand yet. Listen to your freaked out instincts and WALK AWAY.
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