A
male
age
36-40,
*oboaxe
writes:I've recently been dating a lovely girl for the past 2 months but we haven't made it "official" so to speak. We'll call her Sofia. She's 25. We've dined together, slept together, taken pictures together, and text each other virtually every day.I want to ask her to be my girlfriend, but part of me still has second thoughts. I've only had two relationships and both times they've ended in real heartbreak. The first one cheated on me after 2 years of dating and the second one abruptly broke up with me for no reason ("I feel a disconnect in our relationship") 2 weeks after making it official, we had been dating for 3 months prior to that. I was about 26 at the time my second girlfriend broke up with me, and I've been casually dating since then (I'm 30) and have never really committed to anyone. I always feel like someone else will come around so I keep myself open because I would never cheat on my girlfriend. But I've regretted this already with another girl who I should've asked to be my girlfriend as I really liked her, but didn't, and she eventually drifted away. I guess this is silly, but another reason I hold off is that my brother and my mother don't like her physical appearance. They've never met her in person. I've gone on dates with other women but none seem to draw me the way Sofia does. I feel Sofia starting to grow distant, as she is not as affectionate as she used to be when we text, and I know I'm going to have to make a decision soon or lose her. Thank you for any help and advice!
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male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (29 January 2018):
Roboaxe is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your advice! You were all correct.
If I'm not head over heels for her, there is no reason I should ask her to be my girlfriend.
I sent her texts for awhile and when she didn't respond that favorably to a text indicating we could go out again when she feels better (she got sick again), I decided to just politely send a few more and stopped contacting her.
She hasn't reached out since.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 December 2017):
 I think you may have already missed the boat, my friend. If this lady is already drawing back, then she is probably already preparing to leave this relationship. And who can blame her? You've been dating for 2 months and you still can't make up your mind whether you want to be with her? Why should she wait around for you to make up your mind? SHE has a say in this relationship as well.
I would agree with the aunts who have said that, if you are still unsure, then she is probably not the one for you.
As for your mother and brother not liking her physically, SO WHAT? You are in your 30s! Are you still so insecure that you need mummy's approval? This lady's character and personality are far more important than how she measures up to your mother's standards. I doubt your mother is a super model. In any case, her taste in women is irrelevant, as is your brother's.
If you can't make up your mind about this lady, then let her go to find someone who will have no doubts. Don't string her along.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 December 2017):
 For some reason I'm not very convinced about your emotions for Sofia from your post. Something doesn't quite fit. For starters, if you really, well and truly like someone then you won't think twice. You will do everything that you can to be with that person. Anyone else's opinion of him/her will not matter in the least either.
To be honest I think you're just drifting. You're dating casually, you're going where your love life takes you without any set ideas and you're unsure of what you want. My only advice at this point would be to not ask her to be your girlfriend because there should be no second thoughts here and you've admitted that there are. Don't deceive her either. If she draws away from you then don't stop her because you can't give her what she wants.
The fact that you're even going on dates with other women shows that she doesn't mean add much to you as you think she does.
I think it's time to move on. Maybe spend some time alone and figure out what you want first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2017): [EDIT]: "They should be judged on their own merit."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2017): Sofia and no other woman is responsible for what your exes did to you in the past. The should be judged on their own merit.
You're a big-boy now; so take a risk.
Sofia nor any other woman you will ever meet will come with a written guarantee that she will not break your heart.
Can you guarantee that you won't hurt Sofia? All for certain, you know you'll never make a mistake? One that you may consider small; but she may consider it a really big deal! Men and women do not think alike.
Listen to your heart, weigh the pros and cons; then make a decision. If you want to take a little more time; you can at least suggest you be exclusive for now. It's also her decision to inform you, if she is ready for a commitment. It goes two-ways!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 December 2017):
 You can always ASK her:
"Where do you see this going?"
then if she is saying something along the lines of I hope we will become a couple or whatnot - you can ask how she feels about exclusivity and perhaps the titles of BF/GF.
As for your mother and brother not liking how she looks... WHO cares?! They aren't the ones who has to date her, right?
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