A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i are moving into a one bed flat together soon - our first home together. he has three kids and has a family photo on his wall currently but i want one of me and him in our new flat. i don't get on with his children and want it to be our flat, it's a fresh start. how can i tell him this without coming across nasty? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to update you all, we have now moved in and he himself said 'i don't want the pic of the kids up'!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Hi
A pic of both would be good and let's face it fresh start or not you can not wipe the fact out that you at some point may become their step mother. I understand because you are so young, but children are children and you should remember not to act like one yourself. Be proud of the NEW role you have taken on even from a distance, but the biggest mistake you will make is to DENY the children and father their relationship. Guaranteed this relationship WILL FAIL if you do not except his children.
I wish you look but any fresh start should be your role of step mum to be and a good role model. They need love just as you do, good luck.
spunky monkey
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male
reader, soon567  +, writes (25 November 2010):
I look at your posting last night and I think you’re totally correct here. Even within a relationship each person needs their own personal space. That’s where his kid’s pictures should go. That wall belong longs to you and him, on your new start as a couple. You don’t need to adjust with him or his kids their not yours. Since you said the mother isn’t deceased then those kids has a mother and father that needs to raise those kids.
I see you were call all can of names including selfish for wanting to live your life. I say be selfish and live it. All expensive belongs to him and his ex, not you. Regardless of their age’s you’re dating him and unless you agree to it you’re not a live in babysitter, or a maid to his kids that’s something he and his ex needs to work out for their oblations to those kids. . I could see it if they were going to live with you and you were going to assume the role as a mother, but I couldn’t see that in a one room apartment.
Communication is what needed here more than your acceptance of his kids the two has no bearing on each other. I would let him keep picture of his kids but only in his personal space that wall is for you and him together, not for memorabilia of his past. He sharing a part of your life and he needs to realize that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Alright, seeing as his kids are that old (I thought they'd be small children, not adults) it becomes a little different. Because clearly they see you as a threat and THEY start to compare with you, due to the age. They don't understand the different roles we all have here, they see you as another "sibling", and if YOU get a trip or money then why shouldn't they get the same.. Whereas if you were 40 they wouldn't compare themselves with you in that way.
However, how they nag for money is your boyfriends problem, not yours. He is the one who needs to take control over the situation for this to stop, and eventually talk to his children about how you and they can not be compared. They can not expect the same as he gives you, just as you will not get the same he gives them (I can just imagine, maybe you should ask for a college education just to prove your point lol).
Talk to your boyfriend about this issue and how to work around the problems. Seeing as you got the flat to get away from the problems, talk about how to keep the flat a sanctuary for you two to be together without interference!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhis kids are 17,19,29 - not babies so they are suppose to have their own lives now but ever since i came on the scene a year and a half ago they have been really jealous. when are say they i'm talking about the two youngest, the oldest no longer wants to see him due to the age difference. i made an effort to get on with them but all they want to do is destroy our relationship. he moved in with his mum a year ago due to recession and wanting to save for us to get a flat - i haven't been allowed round the mothers as she doesn't agree with our relationship but expects me to speak to her on the street. he hasn't been allowed round mine either so we've had a year of hotels whenever there's been money so it's been rare. the kids have been jealous - constantly demanding money 'if he has it to spend on me'. i haven't seen them for quite some time as that is their wish but when we get our place obviously they are going to come round and i wouldn't want them to stop seeing him they are his kids and blood is thicker than water, they will always come first, i am very aware! we have recently got back together after splitting up due to agro. the 17 yr old hasn't bothered with him since the split but since finding out he took me for a weekend break two weeks ago 'where's my money' and called him 25 times whilst we were away! he has got the one bed purposely so they can't stay. it's not an issue about him seeing them regardless how rude they are they're still his kids. it's the fact that i won't be able to stand looking at them every time a sit down. it's been a year and a half of disapproval and sneaking around. now we're getting our own place 'we can shut the door on it' (his words).
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 November 2010):
You need to end it with him. You can't stop him being a father, and you can't pretend that his children don't exist. You not getting on with his children is something that is going to destroy this relationship. It's not as simple as a fresh start. There is no fresh start. Those children will come first, and that's all there is to it. You can't hide them, you can't stop him seeing them, you can't even make a deal out of this, because you'll lose. Do not put him in a position where he has to choose - you'll be out.
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female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (25 November 2010):
 you need to grow up. You can't date a single father and just expect to leave the kids behind. It's a package deal. Its sad that you can't find it in your heart to love his kids as your own. You are being selfish with his heart. The way he feels for you is not the same love he feels for his kids. You shouldn't feel jealous or in competition. He will love you more for loving his kids.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 wow!
I am sad to say you have a very perverted view of what being a father is. It is very important for his emotional and mental well being that he be able to love his kids, enjoy their company and also to display their photographs, handiwork, badly made gifts, to wear with pride the ugliest tie in the world because they bought it for him, to brag about his kids, to cry about his kids and generally consider his kids before he considers anything else.
You list your age between 18 and 21, so unless you are moving in with a man old enough to be your father's oldest brother, your boyfriend's children are still quite young.
You need to understand that until they are well and truly on the way to adulthood themselves (and it can sometimes take kids into their twenties or thirties, look in the mirror if you don't beleive me) his children are way up on his list of priorities and you are somewhere below them. If you can't accept that fact your relationship is already doomed and far better for you to finish it now before you cause any damage to his kids.
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female
reader, XxMishxX +, writes (25 November 2010):
hi thereim taking a different view point on this here.do you mean you dont want a picture of his children in the flat or just in that room? thats the question. if its just in that room maybe just have a word with him to put it in another room or maybe have both? there isnt a limit on the number of photos you can have.how old are his children? saying you dont get on with them, the children sound quite old (5+) why do you not get on with them? do they think you've broke up the family unit? do they think you have stolen their dad? or is it you? are you jealous? im just curious, if you know he had children why are you moving into a 1bedroom flat? are they not going to be staying over? by the sounds of it, he doesnt want them staying over or he would of got a bigger flat so does he actually care? you dont need to be apart of his childrens lives. they are his children not yours, if they dont stay over then theres no need to see them, go out if they come over. only you can answer these questions. once youve answered them, you need to talk to him. see what he thinks, then go from there. whether in time you accept his children or not, if there is a future for you both and if there is any way of working around your feelings. i no exactly what your going through becuause iv been through it myself, which is why im being more sympathetic. good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): Why would you want to date a gentalman with children if you don't like children. Thats horrible you don't want them around. How would you like it if you and he had a child together and he got a new girlfriend like yourself that wanted nothing more then for him to abondon that child you shared with him. You deffantly have no right to date this man and if he smart he won't be there to enter in to any kind of legal lease with you. I think he should run a fast as he can in the other dirction. Your selfish and a horrile person to date.......
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 November 2010):
How on earth do you think you can have the kid's father moved to a new home without them being allowed to be a part of his life there? If you don't want them around he'll have to live somewhere else, and not with you.
His kids are a part of his life, like it or not. You really can't pick and choose what elements of his life you want in yours. If he's your boyfriend his kids are part of the deal. And if this is going to be his apartment to he has every right to put up pictures of his children! I'd think he was a really cold father if he didn't'!!!
If you are serious about this guy I suggest you work on your relationship with the children, because he won't ever replace them, but he can replace you.... So be careful about trying to squeeze them out of the picture, literally speaking!
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male
reader, alternaterealities +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Don't move in with him. In fact you need to break up with him before you cause his family havoc and ensure the next guy you date doesn't have children. You show no signs of wanting anything to do with his kids. You should let him know this because trust me, you'll be G-O-N-E gone. No parent would want to involve themselves with someone who not only doesn't want anything to do with the kids, but won't even allow a picture of them in the living room.
Fresh start... for him I hope it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): You knew your boyfriend had children when you started dating him. They are part of the package i'm afraid.
You are being very selfish and, yes nasty, by asking him to not involve his children. Why on earth would you want to take these childrens father away from them?
You also sound a little immature because you obviously don't realise that when you have children you have to put their needs before your own.
I personally wouldn't take on somebody elses children which i why i don't date men who have them. It's pretty simple.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (25 November 2010):
 you are coming out nasty and sorry to tell you this but you are his girlfriend and those are his children way more important. Don't put yourself in the situation where you give him ultimatum because If he is good father and has good morals he will choose his children!
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