A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years now. He has taken on my 4 year old son as his own. Things were so good in the first 2 years of our relationship. We were so happy all of the time, except for the ocassional fight from time to time. We talked about anything and everything. He was my best friend. About a year ago he lost his job, became very stressed out and Began having anxiety attacks. It has been a downward spiral ever since then. He very seldomly wants to be around my son, when before this he always played and spent time with him. We dont talk anymore. I will try to have a conversation with him and he responds with short, blunt answers. He tells me he loves me and cannot live without me. but i cant live like this. We still have good times together but they do not last very long when we do. I have tried to talk to him about this and he acts like I should understand that he is having a rough time in life right now. AND i do understand but its not getting better and its been a year! I am just tired of our relationship being affected by it! I am so lonely, even when he is sitting right next to me. I love him so much though. I want our relationship back but dont know what to do. what should i say or do to him to try and get through to him? Please help me.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (3 February 2010):
 I realise you don't have any easy choices here, your damned if you do and your damned if you don't.
You shouldn't punish yourself though, just take each day as it comes and maybe make a plan in your head and set your own goals in this, i.e. today talk to bf about getting some medical help, day two - find out what your entitlements are and how you can survive on your own financially without him, would you be better off in monetary terms, it is a hard nosed decision but one that needs to be made.
What extra costs does he make in the household i.e. food, heating, lighting, TV usage etc? All of these things add up.
Can you get any additional help with your child from say a registered childminder etc to see whether you could get some work or not, whichever is best for you and your son right now?
No matter what, you had made the decision in your head and just wanted confirmation from others and I think you have had that on this site. Weird when 3 others say the same thing eh!
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. Its kinda what ive been thinking too. Its just such a hard choice to make. But i think i know what i have to do. Thank you all
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 January 2010):
He's depressed. Losing a job is massively stressful, but it's a well known fact men cope even less when they lose their job. He has lost his identity. This is turn has caused depression, which I am sure he has. But it's now crunch time, because you need to put your son before him. So you need to say that either he gets help, or you'll have to leave for the sake of your son. Sometimes ultimatums can wake a man up. If he won't get help, then you need to leave.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 January 2010):
 He's not well, he sounds like he has depression on top of his anxiety. He needs to see a doctor, and get some counselling and some tablets. It's not his fault, he's not well, he has an illness. Unfortunately you cannot be with him at this moment, it's not good for you or your son. Make plans to move out, and keep in touch with him, checking up to see how he feels, visit him and call him sometimes. He's not trying to hurt you, and it's not his fault. The brain is a funny thing, sometimes it snaps, and then everything becomes black and we can no longer cope with life the way we did before. He and you need information and advice to help you understand, but first a visit to the doctors is badly necessary, he needs a proper diagnosis and treatment.
Don't want to worry you, but suicide is a factor when people feel like this, that's why it's important for you to leave, and very important for him to get treatment.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (28 January 2010):
Unfortunately when someone loses their job they tend to lose their indentity and have a total feeling of inadequacy.
The only person who can truly help him is actually HIM. If he is going out looking for work and trying to do everything to just get a paid job no matter what it is, then he is making the effort.
On the other hand if he is just sitting there making no effort at all, they he probably has some sort of depression and cannot motivate himself into actually doing anything for himself. The fact that he doesn't want to play with your son means that he cannot see any joy in his life and cannot role play even.
This is not a good environment for you or your son and depending on who lives with who, i.e. if this is your house or shared with him and you are the only earner say, then you need to start to make some very difficult choices.
You have to start to put your son and yourself first and not your bf I'm afraid. He has had a year to start to do something and unless he makes the effort to go to the doctors and start to accept what is going on in his head, nothing will change.
You cannot be his rock all the time, you need someone to be strong for you as well and your son is seeing this atmosphere between the two of you and is living in the middle of this environment. Children do pick up on negative vibes no matter what so you need to decide what you want to happen and you need to tell your bf that he either bucks up his ideas or it is the end of you both as this just cannot continue.
You may have been trying to keep the peace but there has to come a point when enough is enough. He may need this ultimatum to actually show him that you are not going to accept things the way they are and it is about time that he swallows his pride and just takes any job he can get, either that or he goes and gets some sort of re-training and become s a student again, something that is actually proactive and not inactive.
It isn't going to be easy but you need to stay strong and maybe he will respect you in the end as he is just jogging along hoping things are going to magically happen and unfortunately life just isn't like that.
You need to be a little selfish and put your son's needs above those of yourself and your bf's as well. Your son is the minor here and he cannot speak up for himself, so his mum has to.
Your bf will either buck up or stay the same and it is then that you need to decide whether you are going to stay with a man who is making you and your son unhappy or cut your loses and walk away as this may be what is needed for things to change.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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