A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just returned from a week-end away with my boyfriend of 2 years. We are very loving and cuddly towards each other and get on really well except for the sex side of things. I make a real effort to look my best, going to the gym, keeping myself slim etc and he says he really appreciates the fact I always look good and is proud to have me on his arm. I wear lingerie and like to turn him on but he just doesn't seem to have much of a sex drive. He says he has always been like this. Last night I wore a basque and stockings and gave him oral sex it was good for him but he just doesnt seem that bothered. We have talked about it gently and he says he gets more randy in the winter! We have had sex four times this year. He says he is not interested in porn and he is very faithful and a caring person but there just seems to be this block where I would like sex once or twice a week and he just doesn't seem bothered about it and would be happy with once a month. He was talking about moving in together this week-end but I am worried if I make a commitment I will end up with zero sex and to me it is an important part of intimacy for me. He is definitely not gay but has only had a couple of proper relationships before me and sex was not a big part of them either. I have never experienced this in a relationship and have always made an effort to satisfy my man in the past.... Any ideas? I hate to say this but I can feel myself becoming more attracted to other men and just wishing things were different.....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Is he at least making an effort? Seems like he doesn't think there is a problem here or doesn't take your concerns seriously. There are many things he could still try (natural supplements, exercise, stress reduction, fantasy role-playing, etc.) to increase his drive. Maybe the usual stuff like lingerie just doesn't do it for him. If so, he needs to communicate his desires more openly. You do your best to dress up and stay in shape, so I think he should be putting out some effort as well and going outside his comfort zone.
Also, you don't always have to have actual sex in order to be sexual with each other. Maybe some days he doesn't feel the need to be pleasured; but that doesn't mean he can't simply pleasure you instead.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 June 2011):
Hi there. It's often the other way around - the guy usually wants sex more than the girl.
It doesn't seem like he is going to change any time soon. Especially as he has said he's always been this way.
It might not be wise to move in with him. Just continue to see him and gauge what you see the future being with this man.
No matter how good the relationship is otherwise, if the sex side of things isn't really there in any capacity - or at least not to your liking - eventually it could come to the point where it affects the rest of your relationship. Then it will be decision time for you - leave or stay.
Once a month for sex, is not very often - compared to once a week, which would be about average for most couples.
Over time it will really become an issue for you and it could cause you to think about wandering.
To have regular sex - and good sex - is pretty important in any relationship, because it's how two people who love each other express their love, physically.
If you are having doubts and it's been like this for 2 years now, things are only going to get worse over time. What is once a month now, could become once a year!!
You'd better have a really good think about this. You are not particularly happy about it now and you do make a big effort to make it exciting - but he still isn't fussed about it. Apparently he could take it or leave it. Probably he would preferably leave it alone altogether.
My guess is, that if you weren't very interested either, it wouldn't happen at all! Out of sight out of mind, I guess.
Don't move in with him feeling the way you do, and it shows no signs of improving. Tell him you would rather have your independence and live where you do now. When you tell him, be kind and respectful so he won't be offended. Don't say it's because of the sex issue - even though it is the truth.
It's probably not possible to change his sex drive at all. It looks like that's just his way.
You might have to love him and leave him.
The decision is yours however. No-one can decide for you.
When you are not with him, and you go about your daily life, have a really good think about all aspects of the relationship - including the sex - and over a few weeks, make a decision about it.
Eventually, it will become a really big issue and you won't be happy and it will affect how you relate to him generally. If it's not resolved soon - a decision by you - you might stew it over and over inside, then one day you might explode in anger at him, and it will all be over for good.
Don't let that happen. Life is way too short to be unhappy.
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