A
male
age
36-40,
*ootaheart
writes:Hello,I am 22 years old and was in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 years roughly. we both loved each other like crazy. I would literally spend at least 12-13 hours of the day with her. We are both university students and go to the same university in more or less the same program. Shes the same age as me. She was the best girlfriend a man could ask for and we were planning to get married. She didnt have a lot of friends and was very close to her family. We would literally do everything for each other and just wanna be with each other always regardless of what anything else is going on. She wasnt close to her father who is an alcoholic and somewhat abusive towards her mother. However she is very close to her mother who is her best friend. I have met her family on numerous occasions as well who showered me with love as well. However i had not yet introduced her to my parents and was going to do so very soon. We had thought of a whole life together, happy and in a world of our dreams. I am becoming a doctor and i got admitted to a carribean medical school and this got her depressed even though i was planning to take her with me and give her numerous plane tickets to visit me if she didnt come along. At the same time i started working to make some more money and she started flirting with my best friend and one fine day kissed him. she didnt tell me about the kiss and i found out somehow through her facebook. she had been flirting for a few months now, on and off. i found the convo. i was furiated. i cried and confronted her but she begged me to take her back and she made a mistake. I was willing to forgive her but i couldnt at that time. she threatened to kill her self. i did not know what to do. In desperation i told her i would be back to her. But i took her to her mother and told her to take care of her.I started to miss her like hell after two days and went back to her to tell her we should give this another shot. She had taken a 180 degree turn by then and didnt wanna do anything to do with me. i believe her mom mustve have told her not to rely on me or something. I was still adamant to be back so kept trying to talk to her. I sent her flowers and gifts. She said she wanted to be my friend but then one day i cried infront of her and urged her to come back to me. i told her i would do everything and anything for her and would change everything she dislikes about me. she told me she doesnt love me and wants to date other people. she told me she wants to have flings and does not want anything serious. she told me she did everything for me and i did nothing in return. she insulted me and i cried through all of this. she called my brother to tell me to stop bothering her.I am so confused. I want her back so bad. I dont know what to do. If anyone could help me i would greatly appreciate it. She hates how i am constantly trying to talk to her. She wanted to be friends but she wanted me to pull myself together and not bother her. It just amazes me how someone who loved u so much for 2 years can forget all that love in 3 weeks.So i went to this party yesterday that i told you about. when i walked in she was ignoring me completely but then she smiled at me. I complemented her on her dress. this was a cultural even and she was also doing a voice over for a skit. she seemed happy. she seemed ok. she came with some new friends i hadnt seen before. it was a guy and a girl. i was so sad to see that we werent like what we were before. I tried to hide my sadness to the best of my ability. i participated in the event, i sang and seemed happy. I was the life of the party. I dont know if she was looking at me but i saw her sneaking a peak at me sometimes but i could be wrong. i think shes putting on a very brave face cuz she has been through alot in life and this sort of pain is something she can manouver. At the end of the party i asked her to forgive me and i said i wanted to be on good terms. she seemed sad to see me ask for forgiveness but she said shes not mad and we will be on good terms. i told her i love her and i would wait for her even if it took years for her to come back. she left with her friends. Throught the party she wasnt really talking to too many people and was standing the corner or at the end table all by herself or with some random girl or guy. she didnt even dance with any other guy on the dance floor as she left before the dance started. i dont know how to take this. im so weak. i just want her back. im thinking of seriously going to singapore to convince her thereHELP REALLY HEALP!! :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): It's a familiar sad story for many us of on here, but I agree with the other posters; there's not a lot of obvious future here. Sometimes, the hardest think in the world is being 'alpha' and walking away from the pain. But it's what you need to do right now. And you know what? The pain WILL diminish. At the moment, all you can think about is how much you miss her and want her back. You're probably putting her on a pedestal right now, blaming yourself for losing her, and trying to convince yourself – and her – that you will change and do anything to get her back.If you can "suck it up" and get on with other things, you'll be surprised at how quickly the "love is blind" filter drops, and you start realizing that – yes, you made mistakes – but she was far from perfect too. She did cheat on you, after all!The most important advice I can give is to STOP this 'omega' behaviour right now. Not only is it re-enforcing your ex's belief that she's better off without you, but – more importantly – it's the one thing that you’ll regret most once the dust has settled and you're getting over the relationship. You've lost your girl. That sucks. Don't lose any more of your dignity in the process!
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 She knows you want her back... continuously trying to win her back seems more likely to push her away than draw her back to you at this point. I'd give her space, keep yourself busy- maybe even try dating other girls and try to move on with your life.
Its a cruel irony in life that sometimes the things we do to try to get what we want can actually be counterproductive to our goal. Funnily enough that irony works both ways. By not trying to win her back and by moving on with your life- you're actually MORE likely to get her attention...
Not saying that you should try to play this game, but realize that you've fallen prey to that irony in this situation. Seeing her with new people in her life certainly got your attention didn't it..? You could have forgiven her on the spot for kissing your friend, but once you realized you couldn't have her- you wanted her even more... see my point?
She really does sound like she wants you to stop bothering her, even if she can't completely mask her emotions around you. So maybe it is best to just move on... its definitely best to stop contacting her, and who knows, maybe one day down the track when she sees you happily living your life, she may realize that she made a mistake in not being with you.
Best of luck dude.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 November 2010):
 I think she likes your friend. True love is not the intense feelings you have. It's a promise of being with each other through think and thin. I don't know what she has done to qualify to be the best girlfriend you could ask for because she doesn't sound like it. She got busted yet she didn't want to be dumped. She wants to remain in power. You were vulnerable so you gave in to her suicide threats. She played you and you fell for her games. This is not about her wanting space, freedom, or you not being perfect. This is about her cheating and not owning up to it. It's her loss, not yours.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (5 November 2010):
Honestly, as much as women say they want a sensitive man, that doesn't mean they want someone begging and crying in front of them. I'm not saying that as an insult for I too am a more sensitive guy who has shed some tears in front of the women I have loved.But when they mean sensitive, more often they mean someone who will listen to them and love them. You need to stand up for yourself, show that you can hold your own and that you aren't completely dependent on her.Right now, you both need time apart. Take the time to establish who you are on your own, not as a part of a relationship. Show her, and more importantly yourself, that you can move on with your life. I'm not saying that she will see this and come back, but I am saying you'll be better off if you move forward without her right now. Maybe someday she'll see what you meant to her, but you have to face the fact that she is most likely content without you. And you should try hard to be the same without her.It will be hard. There isn't an easy way to do it. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 I read very carefully your story and It sounds like she does really want to end it with you. Your pleas and your crying will not win her back I don't think. You need to get on with your life. Just let her know you won't bother her anymore and she knows where you are if she changes her mind. Some girls don't like it when a man won't leave her alone after a relationship ends you will only make her resent you. But if you walk away now at least your dignity will still be intact. It sounds like she is losing someone very special. Good Luck
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