A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I have dated for a little over two years. I sort of endedour relationship the last week of February by email. We had broken uptwice before than and had always reconciled, which the best idea. But,I was in love for the first time, in my first relationship and wantedto believe him and believe IN him. Anyway, he was studying for the barexam. And he was to fly out to the state he was taking it in on Feb25th. The night before, I had a family dinner/party for mygrandmother birthday that started at 4:30 pm. I was expected to bethere by the latest 5:30pm, my ex (my boyfriend at this time) had somebusiness in the same town and asked to ride with me because I know thetown better. So, I of course agreed. I would drop him off, go to theparty, and pick him up afterwards.Long story short, by 7pm he still hadn’t showed. I finally leftbecause he didn’t have a good excuse for why he was running so late.But, I was still worried about him so, I called to check on him. Andhe didn’t answer. 18 hours later he still hadn’t so, I was freakingout thinking something had happened. I called my friend for advice toif I should start checking hospitals and whatnot. She suggested tryinghim again from a different number. And he answered like nothing waswrong. He was ignoring me the entire time. So, that was pretty muchthe last straw for me. Because he could have just texted “I’m fine.Busy, TTYL.” I would have left him alone. Anyway, So, I assumed thatsomething else was definitely going on. Like the utter disrespectwasn’t enough, we had broken up previously because he cheated in thepast.Anyway, because he would not answer my calls, I sent a break up typeemail. To which he replied, Thank you. We have not spoken since. OnMarch 14th, he did call me but I was at work and my phone was onsilent. So, I didn’t see the missed call until I was leaving work. Ireturned the call and he did not answer so, I left it alone. I triedto dismiss it but I feel like he owes me a serious apology. And I feellike he’s waiting me out and then he’s going to randomly start poppingup in my life trying to get back together like he did the other times.I just really want to make it clear that the relationship is over andI want nothing to do with him anymore. I feel like the breakup wasvery messy and unresolved and knowing him he’ll use that to try toweasel his way back in. Stating we didn’t exactly state that weweren’t together anymore, we just took time to cool off…blah, blah,blah. I really want to nip that in the bud first, call and clear upany confusion because I know how he is. But, I know that it’s usuallybest to not have contact with exes at all right after a breakup. So,I’m torn. What should I do?
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male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (22 March 2012):
 It sounds like you made it clear to him that the relationship was over so there really isn't anything that you should do. It's over and you have no obligation to ever talk to him again. Don't just stop talking to him for the moment, just stop all together and move on with your life. You have made your choice and should stick to it which I think will be a problem if you let him start talking to you all the time. It is easy to fall into old habits.
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (22 March 2012):
 This is simple, since you seem very sure that you do not want this guy. You broke up with him. Don't answer his calls, don't reply to text messages. If he e-mails you, simply reply that you have moved on, are not interested, and that he needs to leave you alone. Going out of your way to contact him simply to tell him you're not interested is just sending him the signal that you're thinking of him and he may interpret it as you wanting him to contact you. Just leave him be unless he can't take the hint.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (21 March 2012):
 In virtually every break-up it is resolution that is most sought after and least found. This is because break-ups are by nature confusing, the result of months or years of behavior and emotion that has stacked up and festered. We are all complicated and conflicted in our own ways.
A clearly understood and mutually satisfactory break-up is as rare as an albino unicorn (contrary to popular understanding, white unicorns are not actually albino, as they have pigment in their eyes and hair). :-)
It just doesn't happen that way.
So, my first piece of advice would be to let go of the strong desire for resolution and for answers to your many lingering questions about what exactly happened.
My next piece of advice would be to let go of your desire for an apology, no matter how deserved.
***Understand that both of these things (resolution/answers and an apology) still concern the past relationship that you have ended. Let go of them in the same way that you have moved on from the relationship.***
Often the reason why we want an apology, or in some cases want the other person to experience the same amount of hurt that we did, is so that they don't "get away with it". So they don't get to mistreat or disrespect you without consequences. It's not fair. Unfortunately, they will always be extremely resistant to any such thing. This is why so many relationships end with one person simply not answering or returning any of the other's phone calls or texts.
This goes back to a fear of confrontation that many people have as well.
It is SO difficult to wait weeks or months before you get your chance to tell the other person what you think of them and how they handled the break-up.
I would encourage you to sit down (or I guess you could stand if you wanted to) and write yourself a letter describing your exact emotions during this time. Write down exactly how his specific actions made you feel as well as his attitude and anything else that hurt you.
You are going to have to let it go for now, and resist the urge to contact him and get immediate answers or apologies.
***Know this, if you do try to contact him now he will NOT give you the satisfaction of responding in the way you see it in your mind's eye. He will not "see the light", understand how he hurt you, and see everything the same way you do all of the sudden.***
You see things very clearly in your own mind, and probably have rehearsed exactly what you WANT to say to him were you to talk. But things would almost certainly not go that way. If anything he would immediately confuse the situation and try to assign blame to you, I'm sure deep down you know this is the most likely outcome.
So, let it go for now. Know that ceasing all contact with him will most likely result in him eventually contacting you. By then he will hope your negative emotions have subsided enough to make the situation less clear. Have the letter you wrote to yourself ready so that you can tell him you will call him right back. Then, go read the letter and remind yourself exactly how you felt and why you made the decision. Then you will be better prepared to handle it when you do talk again.
In my opinion it really is best that you not contact him right now. It will not go as you hope it will.
I wish you the best!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 March 2012):
 WHY???? .....spend even a minute thinking about this cad, or fretting over how YOU should tell HIM that it's over????
YOU owe him NOTHING!!!! Hence, you may now ignore him for the rest of history... AND, you may get on with your life....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 March 2012):
 If he should get in touch with you again, tell him it's over. If he doesn't, move on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2012):
 “I sort of ended our relationship”… what do you mean you SORT OF ended it. Either it’s over or it’s not.
He may owe you an apology but breaking up “sort of” via email sucks…. You needed to at the bare minimum call him and tell him it was over. An email or a text to end a relationship is wrong on so many levels for so many reasons.
He can only randomly pop up in your life if you let him. Delete his info. Block his number.
IGNORE HIM totally
Stop worrying about him
Stop asking friends about him
Stop checking on him
Unfriend him on facebook/twitter whatever if you are still friends there… and block him so he can’t see yours stuff and you can’t see his (from friends)
It’s over.
You want it over
You owe him nothing
MOVE ON.
giving excuses as to why it was messy and that you didn't exactly break up just gives you a reason to be in touch with him.
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