A
female
age
30-35,
*ittlegray
writes:So first thing, I haven't spoken to my father or that side of my family for almost 8 years now, after my dad kicked me out of his house when I was 14 (I lived with my mother after that - they were divorced).I'm graduating this Saturday from college and I decided to invite a few members of that side of the family, my aunt Sarah, uncle Will, cousin Liz, grandmother and my dad, Liam. I still haven't spoken to my dad but I hear through my uncle that he is coming, and so is his wife, Cheryl and their two children.The problem is, when I left their house I had a really bad relationship with the two children and Cheryl. We never really got along because she wasn't my real mother and we just didn't share interests. Also, when she had her own children with my father she always paid more attention to them then me. I also hear from my aunt that after I left their house that Cheryl was trying to gossip with her about me. I get the impression from aunt Sarah that Cheryl told her and uncle Will that I did something really bad and that's why my dad kicked me out, but I don't know the full story.Anyway, I would like my father to come to my graduation, I really would. I just don't want his wife and other children to come. We weren't on good terms when I left and I don't know how them coming could be anything but awkward, seeing as how Cheryl clearly dislikes me. I'm also really nervous about the expectation from the rest of the family that I like her two children as if they were my own siblings. That was the expectation when I was 14, and I'm almost sure it will be now. I don't want to hug them or treat them like siblings or anything, but I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to. On a side note related to this, I'm a very non-touchy person, especially with children and people I dislike. It would make me VERY unhappy to be forced into that 'big sister' role with those kids again. Not to be cliche, but does that make me a bad person and should I just get over it?How can I either A: Get Cheryl and her kids not to come without being incredibly rude or B: Avoid awkwardness with her and her kids if she does come? and C: Is it selfish of me to not want them to come in the first place? I mean, she is my dad's wife so clearly she's part of the family in some way...All names were changed, and before anyone asks my aunt and uncle are incredibly reliable, so it's unlikely that they were just stirring up stuff by telling me what was going on with my dad and Cheryl.
View related questions:
cousin, divorce, grandmother Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2012):
 I love a good update! Thanks for letting us know it went well.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2012):
 Thank you for the update, I'm glad it went so well.
...............................
A
female
reader, littlegray +, writes (17 May 2012):
littlegray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAmazingly, it did indeed turn out much better than expected. Thank you all for the advice again! Everybody was perfectly polite and well behaved, and even Cheryl was pleasant to be around.
It was super weird seeing her kids again - they've grown up a lot. I still don't feel like a relative of theirs, but they're somewhat tolerable now.
Graduation went well. I think I may even be able to be on good terms with my father again, now that we're both adults.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2012):
Good luck I hope it turns out better then you expect.
...............................
A
female
reader, littlegray +, writes (11 May 2012):
littlegray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the answers, I appreciate the advice. First a few points of clarification:
Anon: Yes, my dad was hurtful towards me and he was the one who kicked me out, but before he got married to Cheryl we were very close and I still care for him. That is why I invited him to my graduation.
Honeypie: I'm not bitter at all towards my father, actually. Yes, he hurt me and he's been incredibly immature both for kicking me out and not attempting to talk to me at all for those 8 years, but I've already let that go. Those were his decisions to make and while I wish that he had made different ones that's nothing to be upset about so many years later.
Lover06: I do give my mother almost all the credit for raising me to be who I am today. I should have mentioned in my original post though that she passed away 5 years ago, so she isn't really in the picture in this situation. I suppose that's why I ask for advice from you guys quite a bit, because I don't have a mum to ask.
I decided to let them all come and let the chips fall where they may. I tend to agree that it would be rude to make Cheryl and her children not come when it has already been established that they are. It probably would have been the more sensitive thing to do on the part of my dad to just come himself, but that's water under the bridge. As an aside, I never planned on acting cold towards either Cheryl or her children, merely cordial... and yes, I do consider them to be her children rather than my half siblings. It is true that they are related to me by blood but I have no feelings for them and I am sure they have none for me. I left when they were only three and four - I would be surprised if they even remember me in the first place.
What I figure is that if anyone decides to be impolite or to cause the gathering to be uncomfortable or upsetting for anyone else I can simply ask them to leave. Maybe it will turn out to be good and we can all be civilized adults (except for the kids of course :P).
I'll keep you all posted on what happens, and thank you again for the advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (9 May 2012):
you could tell him that you were only allocated 2 tickets for the ceremony and your mom or someone else is taking the other ticket.... or if that wont wash say something like you are only allowed to have 2 guests at the actual ceremony, or a limited number. but that others are coming which means there is only one space left for him...? its worth a try
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): Your dad kicked your out when you were 14 and you haven't spoken to him for 8 years. So why do you want him at your graduation but not Cheryl and their kids? Both he and her ostracized you, not just her. To me, she is as worthy of being there as he is, or else he is as un-worthy of being there as she. so my vote is either invite all of them, or none of them. because I don't really see a logical basis for having only him since he treated you just as badly as she did.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): I don't blame you for not wanting her there and I am sure you would not be the only one to feel that way. I would invite your dad and say your not comfortable with them being there. Its not rude (although not kind) not to invite someone you don't like to your big day. Though its a bit selfish but you have every right to want your day to be a happy one surrounded by the people you love. You will remember this day forever do you really want to remember it by being uncomfortable and unhappy being forced to be pleasant to people you didn't want to be there in the first place. If he turns around and says either they all come or none of them then its up to you. But he should be adult and realise as your father he should be there for you wether his wife likes it or not. Also it may be a good time to get to know your siblings a bit more but of course that's entirely up to you
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 May 2012):
I would just tell him that the invitation is for him only. That you want to see your dad, but that you don't want to see Cheryl and your half-sibling.
Now, he might not like that idea at all and tell you it's either his whole family or none, and then YOU have a choice.
Personally, I think it's time to let bygones be bygones. After 8 years it's time to let the past go or you are going to be bitter and resentful towards your dad for the rest of your life. And honey, that is a waste of time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): I would have no hesitation saying to your father that he is welcome but not his wife or the children. 8 years may have gone by but you never forget how you were treated and this is your day. My son got married this year and we invited his father but made it clear that only he could come not his new family as we dislike them and don't want them there. We gave him the choice he came alone or didn't come at all. Funnily enough he came alone. I see no problem at all making it clear what you want and that if he wants to come he has to come on his own. If someone hasn't been nice to you in the past it is irrelevant how many years have gone by you just don't forget.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): I would contact him again and say you need a definate reply to reserve a seat and that it is him you are inviting only, not your half brother and sisters or his wife. If he has a problem with this then it's his loss. I never invite my mums partner anywhere but our relationship is strong and she respects I cannot stand him, to push the issue would jeopardise our relationship so I fully understand you not wanting someone at your graduation. It's your day to be proud and share it with family - why have people there who are going to put a downer on the day for you?
Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 I am afraid you'll have either to have them all , or none. Dictating that your dad leaves home his wife and children would be incredibly rude- and aggressive , in a way, especially for what concerns the kids. Because the stepmom, well, if she is smart she knows she is not anxiously waited for, and can diplomatically come up with some previous engagement preventing her to attend , but the kids ? The kids ARE your siblings, they are family whether you like that or not ( Btw, of course if you don't feel affection for them, you just don't and that's OK, but well, being mad at them because they got more attention from their mom, or at their mom bc she gave them more attention than to you, isn't it a bit unreasonable ?? She gave them more attention because they are her own kids, it's human !, and because they were, and are, YOUNGER than you and the younger ones always get - and NEED - more attention ).
Unluckily, graduations, weddings etc. are often occasions for similar moments of doubts and awkwardness. I think the's no point in extending half an olive branch, it's in fact sort of offensive. Either you can be the better person, and decide that regardless of your old grudges, you'll be generous enough to include them in your big day ( congratulations, btw ) , or you just leave things as they are, don't invite your dada, and if you want to seek a reapproach with him- only him- you do it in the next future , if you wish, but in private ,out of public occasions.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): I think you should be honest to your dad. It's not fair that he take Cheryl and his kids, especially if she had been spreading rumors about you. It doesn't matter how long ago this was, when you graduate it's your moment, not your dads or Cheryl's.
Tell your dad that honestly you would prefer not for them to come, but you would really like it if he could make it, he is your dad after all.
But if you can't face doing that, just ignore them, you don't have to be the big huggy sister, say Hi, ask how they've been etc. etc. then leave them to it. No one's expecting you to love them and be with them through-out the whole thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): Agree with pinktopaz, want to add that including father's second wife and your siblings as part of your big day and making them feel welcome would be very magnaminous gesture on your part. College graduation means you're officially an adult in all aspects of the word, reaching out to bury the hatchet (despite your previous personal enmity) in order to reunite both sides of your family would show your mother and father that you've truly matured into a responsible adult willing to put past disagreements aside in the best interests of all parties involved. It won't be easy by any means, but you have an opportunity to faciliate a genuine family reunion by conducting yourself graciously and with dignity despite your personal discomfort/misgivings. Not saying you're wrong for not wanting them there, just saying welcoming father's second family to be part of your big day would be the right thing to do and would give you a fresh start at the beginning of your journey through your adult life.
...............................
A
male
reader, cool-sora789  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 Your'e gonna have to pick B. Avoid all awkwardness when they arrive. I hope this helps. (Cringes, expecting a punch to the gut) But don't worry about it, I'm 13. so I kind of know where you are coming from.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): It would be very rude to invite your dad but to try to prevent his wife and kids from attending. They are a family, and they are related to you too - she is your stepmother and they are your step-siblings.
So I think you should either invite your dad and his wife and kids, or none of them.
Let's now assume that they are all coming to your graduation. The next question is how do you conduct yourself towards your stepmother and stepsiblings. I do not believe you should fake closeness because everyone including them will know it's fake. But that does not mean you should be rude or impolite or cold in any way either. Being an adult means that you can be civil and respectful to people even if you don't personally like them. Be business-like and professional. A formal hug wouldn't be too much , would it? As in, the kind of hug that you are some times expected to give distant relatives you don't really know, as greetings. Or a handshake is fine too as a greeting, I think. As for the kids, if they are young enough you do not owe it to them or anyone to hug them, you can just smile at them and say hello and that's it.
If you really can't stomach this, then I suggest you not invite any of them, including your dad. You and him can have a private phone conversation, or you can meet him for lunch one on one at a later time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): Both my children asked me and their father, we divorced years ago. They did not ask our partners. It was their graduation so neither of us minded as we two are their parents. We had great times,there was no atmosphere just celebrations of their achievements and lots of group photos.
Its your day so you decide,your dad should understand.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 May 2012):
Well first, they aren't Cheryl's children. They're your half siblings. Call it what you want, but they're your brothers/sisters.
Second, it was 8-years ago. I'm sure it was all very painful and you felt left out and that both Cheryl and your dad didn't put forth the effort that you thought, but you were 14 back then, so your perspective may have been different than it actually was (but I could completely wrong about that since I wasn't there but there are two sides to every story).
Third, they may want to see the adult you've turned into and things will probably be a lot different. I'm sure you'll be treated differently and it may be a good opportunity to form a connection with them. If Cheryl disliked you, she probably wouldn't even bother going.
Fourth, if you really don't think you can do it. Just tell them that there's a limited number of tickets for your graduation and you can only reserve one for your dad. But I think you should try to make somewhat of an effort since it looks like they're trying to.
...............................
A
female
reader, lover06 +, writes (7 May 2012):
so why ask your dad to come now when you havent spoken to him in over 8 years , how does your mom feel about this you havent said anything about her , she was there for you when your dad kicked you out , so your mom should be getting all the credit anyways . I am sorry if I sounds hush. you should talk to your mother and she can give a nice advise coz she knows you and your dad. If i were you i wouldnt invite him or his wife at all but that's just me. well good luck.
...............................
|
