A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I have been friends with this guy since sophomore year of college and I graduated last year. He's 25 so yeah we are still young, but I feel like we have a good vibe going with one another. We used to hang out and talk about everything and anything nothing is off limits. From past relationships to our dreams goals and family life we could talk for hours and we do. We danced one night and he grabbed my face and kissed me. We slept together on and off during college. At one point we went our separate ways and he dated this girl and I dated this guy and we didn't talk for a year. He texted me out of the blue when he broke it off with that girl and it happened to be the time my relationship was on the outs and I ended it. We went back to sleeping with one another. Our friends would ask me what was going on between us to me and I would say what? But clearly I have grown to have feelings for him and i know what I want. I told him how i felt and if I move on or not. He said he didn't have all the answers and then he said that we are friends who hook up and that he didn't want anything to change between us and I shouldn't move on. I was upset but I figured I would go back to being just friends with him since we share the same friends and I'm not trying to be enemies. We saw each other recently at a party and just as usual he gravitates toward me starts all conversations and says "I could just talk to you forever and not notice what's going on around me how crazy." I went home with him at the end of the night and we watched our favorite show holding each other and he was like "if we get married.." and goes into where we would live, where we would send our kids and where we would get our Christmas tree etc... he even said when we have children that he hopes our kids will have blue eyes but because he has brown he wasn't sure. The next day we were back to being friends. What? I'm not one who see through rose colored glasses, but clearly I am into him and he knows what to say. I would think maybe I just read into it all but when even acquaintances are like what is the deal with you two it just makes me wonder what is going on? I have decided that sleeping with him is the first step in the right direction. What do you think about the situation? Is he just a player? Do I just walk away? Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): You said you are friends and you can talk about anything. Your whole post describes being friends with benefits.
The conversation on the sofa about kids and such was just hypothetical. He hasn't even properly dated you, you're not engaged; so all it that was, is him having a moment. It happens after a few drinks (or whatever) and people get sentimental and go-off to la-la land.
The next day, you'll see the sober-guy back on planet earth. He took you up to the clouds. He was just imagining; he wasn't making any kind of declaration of love. He was just being comfortable with you, and you've caught feelings.
This guy is all over the place. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going; and you get stuck like gum on his shoe.
Take the sex out of your friendship and detach your romantic-attraction to this guy. You'll always be his FWB; as long as you supply the benefits. Remove the benefits, and I think you'll be left infatuated.
Give your friendship a break. Let it cool-off. You need to date other guys and clear your head.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 Aw Sweetie it is obvious that he is playing you. Don't allow him to do that, because you will never be able to move on and will continue to hurt. He doesn't have the answers for you, which means he sees you as a friend and enjoys the sex. Him talking about marriage and children means nothing, it is only talk.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 September 2017):
"He leads me on"
Some women walk right into trouble, hoping it will turn out good, and when it doesn't...they blame the guy.
You see what he wants clear as day, yet you claim he is leading you on.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 Basically this guy has just told you that all he wants you for is a lay from time to time but he doesn't regard you as girlfriend material. I don't know if there's any other way that he can let you know that he doesn't want a soppy romance with you.
If you're cool with being used when it's convenient for him then go ahead but if you have some self respecting bone in your body then you would ditch this guy my dear because he really is NOT for you. He just keeps feeding you garbage future scenario's and why? because he wants to keep you where he has you right now; at his beck and call.
If you're a fan of wasting precious time and energy on douches then keep hoping and praying that one day the two of you will be together, if you value your time, energy and just YOURSELF on a whole then ditch this guy like you've been advised to do here.
He isn't worth all the drama and pain you'll go through if you keep at this. Guaranteed!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 As my grandma used to say, " there's no deafer person of the one who does not want to hear ".
You do not want to hear what he told you in all clarity : you are two friends who occasionally hook up , and he likes it that way. He is confirming that through his actions.
Well, of course he does not want anything to change and does not want you to move on ! If it ain't broke don't fix it, and for HIM it works perfectly, just fine. If you move on, he will have to find someone else to accept the same kind of position you have in his life, and that may require some doing.
What you have is an FWB situation; the real, classic one, the " gentle " one, i.e. not strictly random encounters, but also banter, flirtation and a bit of affection when he is in the mood. Mood under which, IMO, you can also file the whole " when we 'll get married.. " conversation- which is another typical thing of people who are NOT in a relationship but like to play house occasionally. ( Too bad that you probably do not follow " Friends " reruns ; there's an hilarious episode about this topic. All the friends argue furiously because they are choosing within the group... their future spouse if in 5 years, or 10 , nobody has found anybody better to marry; and one of the guys overcommits himself proposing to two girls ).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 September 2017):
 He likes to chat with you and sleep with you but he doesn't want to date you. THAT much is clear - he has even spelled it out.
to quote you: "he said that we are friends who hook up and that he didn't want anything to change between us and I shouldn't move on."
Let me "MANSPLAIN":
He is saying you are a friend he likes to occasionally fuck and he doesn't' want you to move on because he likes having sex on tap. If you move on he won't have an f-buddy (you) and he would HAVE to find someone else. And that is "work". He also KNOWS that you LIKE him which makes this whole thing SO much easier for him. All he has to do is treat you nicely and you give up sex for him.
In short, if you are hoping that hooking up means he REALLY likes you and wants to date you... you are wasting your time. He doesn't want YOU as a GF but you are OK to fuck, hang out with, text/chat with.
Sleeping with him WILL NOT ( let me repeat in case you didn't catch it) WILL NOT - make him change his mind and make him want to date you.
So IF you are looking for a BF - HE isn't it.
He is your friendly f-buddy/FWB.
There is nothing to "wonder" about. Just because others aren't sure what's going on - HE has clearly stated what his intentions are. To be FRIENDS(ish) and FUCK occasionally.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 I suspect he is just too young and immature to know what he wants, and certainly too immature to want to be tied down at this stage. You are probably a bit more mature and have worked out what you want.
You may end up together in the future, when he has grown up a bit, or you may not. You cannot pin all your hopes on this lad, much as you want to.
You ask if you should walk away and I would advise you to do exactly that - for the time being at least. If he cannot even commit to a proper relationship, he is hardly likely to commit to anything more in the near future. Talk is cheap. It means nothing.
I doubt you WILL walk away though. By your own admission, you are hooked on this guy. You will put up with the pain and uncertainty for the crumbs of hope he throws your way to keep you on the back burner in case he decides he does want to be with you long term.
I am a strong believer in people marrying the person who is there for them AT THE RIGHT TIME. Most people reach a stage in their lives when they are "ready to settle down". They seem to settle down with the person who is "right" for them at that time. This guy is not ready for that commitment yet. You may wait a long time for him to be ready and there is no saying he will decide you are the right person for him.
You are young. Don't put your life on hold waiting for this guy to make up his mind if he truly wants to be with you.
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