A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Slightly off topic of love and relationships but wondering if someone can shine some light over a situation with a close friend.I'm broken, torn, lost and really struggling to come to terms with the loss of my best friend, for the simple reason, that I have no idea why I have been cut out of her life.To cut a long story short, despite our age difference we were very close, spoke most days, we work together and even went on holiday together. She lost her partner a few years ago and has always been a very strong character however does suffer from depression, although I don't think she realises the extent of it. And I'm pretty sure, although not certain that I was one of the very few people she told things too, since she lost her partner.However, a couple of months ago she just cut me out her life. This came after an argument between us both where she was showing signs of treating me like crap again as she had got back in touch with a guy she was seeing previously, who happened to treat her awfully. She went very distant and the first time she was with him she was far too busy to even notice others exisited, which she admitted later on was partly down to her depression. We actually resolved the issues, both apologised and continued as before.However a few weeks later we were talking about various things and she was obviously in a bad way. I did keep trying to contact her which maybe I shouldn't have done and got a text the next day after asking how she was saying she feels I'm too attached to her, and to be honest if anything it seemed at time thats was the other way around, and cancelled our holiday and that we shouldn't be friends outside of work anymore.To make matters more complicated her immediate family live in another country. I know previously they have been rather pushy to get her to move out there and shes always said she would when she's ready. Obviously her depression and grief recently haven't helped her decide what she wants. This 'text' from her just so happen to come around the same time her son got offered a new job. She is going to be buying them a house when she moves out there which she wasn't due to go for another couple of years, which she has now made the snap decision to move out there sooner.Suddenly, since these events she has gone from bad to worse with her depression, but continues to tell me she feels much better. Shes very snappy, takes everything to heart and her 'personaility' has just vanished. Whenever I try to speak to her, I get very limited response. If i try and tell her things I've been up to, she just isn't interested, but yet she will moan at me for as long as she wants.To make matters worse this also means an opportunity for me to develop my career has also been put at risk. And whilst I respect she has to do whats right for her, she doesn't realise that her actions actually do affect others, but when I show any sign of being upset or hurt she will refuse to speak. I have made mistakes in the past, but I'm human and everytime I try and explain that as much as I respect what shes been through and that she needs to do the right thing for her, everytime I try and bring up the way shes treated me and the way shes leading me to believe one thing and then telling me thats not the case is out of order she just refuses to talk to me and makes me feel very bad. She claims I'm forcing her to make decisions and that I try and gilt trip her when that is not the case at all. Shes so focused on moving away and all the bad things that have happened to her that I'm just trying to be truthful and bring her back to reality. It seems to be all about her.Shes been treated badly with work and in terms of a bloke that she liked but I don't feel that it's fair that just because he treated her very selfishly and she has been very poorly treated at work that she has the right to do the same for me. I have supported her and gone out my way for her so much over our time as friends, but when I got upset and just wanted to talk to her and wanted her to understand me, she cut me out her life. I find it strange that her best friend makes one mistake and she won't even give me the chance to speak to her about it, yet someone who's treated her terribly has been given 4 chances and still counting. Of course I will be upset that shes leaving but isn't that natural?She doesn't just try to avoid talking about our friendship, but she actually seems to pretend it never existed, to the point where she treats me like a stranger and is actually very sharp with me. It is very out of character for her and I honestly feel like I've been cut out her life so she can force herself to make that decision to leave sooner, as shes admitted before that she doesn't know what she wants and that I would be one of the hardest things for her to leave.She's completely destroyed me and as hurt as I am I really don't want to be in a position where I can't enjoy our remaining time together. I was told by so many people how she used to talk about me all the time and the good things I did. It was obvious to them we were very close. I always spoke about us visiting each other and she was always up for me going to see her vut was reluctant to come back and visit all her friends and family here, which is her choice but I felt it was unfair to push all the costs on me. It made no sense.I'm really struggling to move forward as I;ve aksed time and time again if she will talk to me about it and if we could do something as friends and all I get is 'i'll see'... Which just so happens to be exactly how that bloke treated her. I feel like I;vve lost my left arm and I appreciate there may be not a lot I can do but has anyone got any advice? I'm going to loose her anyway so theres no harm in trying to at least make the most of what we have left?Can anyone shine any light on why this may have happened? She just refuses to tell me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): You are dealing with a woman who has mental-health issues. Her mood-swings are related to illness and her personal-struggles. She may be a bit overwhelmed. I can understand how you love your friend; but it just seems you may just need to back-off.
Sometimes you just don't need everyone, even close friends, to have constant access to your personal-life. Sometimes you need me-time just to hideaway. You shouldn't have to account for your absence; or always have to expose your dirty laundry to your friends. When grieving, you need some solitude; and for people to just stop pulling at you. You just want your phone to be silent and the shades pulled-down.
You know everything going on in her life; and that can be quite embarrassing. She needs her privacy and time to be alone long enough to deal with her mental-health issues and family-matters. You keep poking your nose in her business. I know you mean well; but I think she needs some space and some privacy.
If she is your only friend; perhaps it's time you widen your circle, and make some new friends. Let her be for awhile.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 Honestly it sounds like she is selfish and only used you. I know that is difficult to hear, but a true friend would be there for you and not lash out at you. A true friend will share problems but also listen to your problems. Honestly I know it is difficult but the more you keep trying the more you are going to hurt yourself.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (22 September 2017):
 "Anyone can claim to be your friend, but some people are friends in name only. The grief caused when a close friendship turns sour is as bad as death. Some people will be your friend as long as things are going well, but they will turn against you when trouble comes. A real friend will help you against your enemies and protect you in the fight."
A close friend is not the same as a real friend. Do not waste your time on such people. Real friend do not abandon those they truly care about.
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