A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 26 and single. My mom has been constantly telling me to just find someone and get married. As long as he's nice and I can tolerate him then that's good enough. Anyone would do. Anyone is better than no one. I'm 26, it's time, soon it'll be too late to find anyone. She actually told me that if I'm still single at 30 she's not going to tell me this anymore because at that point i'll be single forever, I'll be too old. No one would want me. Obviously this makes me feel bad about myself because I don't want just anyone. I want the one. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. I want love. Is that asking for too much? Is it unrealistic to fall in love? Is it better to just settle? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): You can certainly settle if you want, but realize that this will only make you 'happy' (if you can call it that) in the short term. Eventually you'll just be digging yourself into a hole because you'll end up with a ho-hum relationship that may be chugging along fine as a roommate situation but sooner or later some day you will probably meet a guy whom you will fall in love with and who is your 'other half' and you will want to be with him but can't because you already entered into a marriage contract with someone else and maybe also brought children into the world who depend on both of you being together.. ...Then when you give up the new opportunity and go home to your ho-hum boring (or conflict-filled) household you will be filled with loathing and resentment for your husband. Or, maybe worse, this might happen to your husband first and he could be the first to meet someone who he falls in love with and wants to be with but can't because he's stuck being married to you. Then he will resent and loathe you and you'll wonder what have you done wrong. The answer is nothing. The heart will feel however it feels, that's all. But commitments made have to be kept.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Your mother is probably around my age, ...and also I never discount mom's wisdom, mom really knows best many times.... but no, definitely not this time. Your mom is plain wrong . Big mistake believing that anyone is better than no one.
In fact, it's the opposite. No one is always better than not being with the right one.
The problem is, most people are not really able to " settle " , settle as in " being equally content with, also in lack of etc. etc. ". If that were easy or natural, ...like ,say, goodnaturedly and happily accepting that you would have liked a Jaguar but instead you are driving a Toyota, I'd tell you " settle ". But settling in your choice of life partner is never as casual and neutral as the choice of a car - it sort of inevitably brings along bitterness, resentment, frustration,even mutual hatred. No it's not enough that " you can tolerate him " , because you'll have to LIVE with him, and living together is difficult, and some time it is hard work even tolerating those you love, imagine those you don't love. It ends in misery. And loneliness. One can be very lonely AND married.
I don't think you are doomed to be alone, - many of my friends got married after 30 - nowadays the average age for marriage and first child becomes later and later every year, just look at the stats. Your mom is stuck in the 60s. Yet, it is undeniable that not everybody finds someone to share their life with - nevertheless, if you ask me, always WAY better alone than ill-paired.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 February 2013):
 You are ONLY 26 - do not listen to your mom, this isn't the 1800 or 1930's where a woman couldn't take care of herself if need be.
I met my now hubby at 27 we didn't marry til 18 months later, if he wasn't someone I loved with all my heart and soul.. I wouldn't have married him.
If you "settle" you are heading for a divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): Don't settle. They are the relationships that end one day when they finally meet 'the one' and truly fall crazy madly deeply in love. I have finally met my 'love'. We are wanting to get married. He is 50 (never married). I know another man who waited till 60 to meet the love of his life, and they have been married about 8 years now. You can meet and fall in love at any age. Your only time restraint is if you want to have babies. Don't have a baby with just anyone. And you have another 15 years!! When you meet 'the one' you will know, and you will be ready. If you are not sure, then don't settle.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 February 2013):
Your mom is talking a load of old bull (no offence there). Do not, under any circumstances, settle. It's the worst thing you can do , and leads to absolute misery. You're only 26, you have plenty of time to find the right guy, and it would be senseless to just settle. Remember, this will be someone you open up to, share nearly all secrets with, share the same bed with, have sex with, have children with etc. He needs to be the right guy, not just any guy who happens to be nice.
Thank your mother for her opinion, then say you know what you're doing, and that you'd rather find the right guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): Your mom probably has never known true love from a life partner if this is her attitude. She probably is kinda dysfunctional inside since she believes that being alone is the scariest thing to be avoided at all costs (which is ridiculous and untrue). She has very unhealthy attitudes and it wouldn't surprise me if she is deeply unhappy with her personal life. If I were you I would deliberately not get married just to challenge her and force her to confront her dysfunctional attitudes. Challenge her on her beliefs. Why is it "better " to be married and feeling numb, than to be single? What is so frightening about being single? The part about dying alone - everyone dies alone. The part about missing he boat on having a family - you can always adopt later. And who says you must have kids anyway?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 You are old enough to stop listening to your mother. People find love at all different ages, at varying times in their lives. You might find love tomorrow, but then you may not until you are in you forties. Who knows! What your mother is saying might have applied in the early 1900's, but not today. Get out there and date, you just never know your luck!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Well you already know that answer to your question. You know it's not better to just settle for the sake of settling. Of course when this happens, people wind up miserable a handful of years down the road and either cheat, divorce, or cheat and then divorce. Families get split up, and before you know it, you've got a handful of divorces under your belt before you've even hit the ripe old age of 40. By that point, you'll be so jaded, that even if the right one finally came into your life, you'd probably not even care anymore and have given up on the concept of marriage and happiness completely. lol.The problem is that parents often times don't know how to verbalize things in the best and most effective way. I don't know if there's just suddenly something that changes in your genetic makeup once you have your first child that makes you suddenly incapable of communicating in a non-offensive way to your children, but I know this because my parents offend me on a continual basis. Your mom is clearly coming off extremely hurtful and offensive to you (and us) - making you feel unwanted and undesirable. But in her mind, she's just trying to help you to find happiness and wants to see you settled - for your sake and hers. Yours because she thinks it's what will make you happy, and hers because it probably would help her to rest easy at night knowing you had someone to help take care of you, etc. Parents always want what's best for us; on the other hand, they don't always have the best way of showing it.You know you shouldn't settle. Hold out. Wait until you meet the guy of your dreams. Don't be yet another divorce statistic. Oh, and i'm sure you're lovely and any guy would be lucky to have you. Don't get down on yourself. Your time will come. And I assure you this: you'll certainly be glad you waited!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 February 2013):
No offense, but your mom's opinion on this is ridiculous. I had a few decent girlfriends but didn't want to get married. Then I met a great person at 29 and the rest is history. I don't regret waiting at all, it allowed me to enjoy my younger years.
Your mom is very old fashioned and in this matter you shouldn't take a thing she says seriously.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Well I'm 31 and despite some failed relationships I refuse to believe I will be single forever!! The problem with settling for men is it never works out long term. You will meet the right one whether its today or in 5 years time. And when it happens you will be glad you waited. Your mum sounds like a typical mum though. I just smile and nod at my mum. She just wants you to be happy and doesn't realise saying stuff like that is incredibly unhelpful!!
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