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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone,I have just read questions very similar to my own but I still feel compelled to write. I have been with my partner for nearly 3yrs and I have to say that he is the most kind, sincere and funny man I have ever met. I am very much in love with him. The problem is however, that the closer we are the more we are talking about the future, and it is now very clear that whereas I might want children one day, he is most definately of the opposite opinion! I would never force him to change his mind, just as he has told me that if it is what my heart wants then I should never compromise. We now face a most gut-wrenching decision about whether to end our relationship, even though we are very happy together. One day I may decide not to have children, but I just can't rule it out at the moment. I am still young-27, whilst my partner is older than me. Should I leave him? Or should I just wait and see what happens in time?
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male
reader, PeteTTT  +, writes (6 July 2009):
Speaking from the other side and to give you the male perspective; I have just had to end a long term relationship with an absolutely great girl because I knew I didn't want children ever and she definitely did. I've never met a girl like her and doubt I will again but when all is said and done, the whole 'babies or no babies' issue is kinda binary, there's no satisfactory compromise that will leave you both fulfilled. One of you will end up resenting the situation and what's more, you can't change that situation EVER.
If we'd have had children it would have cost us all of our savings and investments, I considered it practically, I was going to sell my house, pay off her mortgage, extend her house so that there was room for two children and she was going to quit work until the youngest was five. Not putting too fine a point on it, we would have been overworked, tired, stressed and so poor that we'd have been devoid of any other opportunities. Added to that, I don't dislike kids at all but I know that I can only stand so much before I find them tiresome, particularly the under tens. I'm a great uncle but I don't think I'd be patient enough to be a great dad.
Examining the other angle, if we'd NOT have had kids, I could've sold my house and paid off her mortgage, not having a ticking clock about when the kids needed to be born, we could've extended it and renovated it at our leisure. With both of us working and no kids to provide for we'd have been saving a lot, I suggested we save up for a holiday home that we could let out when we weren't using it, that would bring in additional revenue. Eventually, with both of us working, an investment that worked for us and minimal overheads, we could have bought another, possibly two other apartments/villas overseas with our combined wealth. Then, when the time came we could've retired together and spent the rest of our lives relaxing together in the sun with money flowing in to ensure we'd never go without.
I know that most women reading this will consider me callous and driven by money but in truth, I'm driven more by being secure. A woman's desire for children is irrational and if you care to look at parents of young kids, you'll notice how tired and miserable they seem. Also - There's overpopulation, massive overpopulation, do we need more kids or can we actually eliminate this biological burden and enjoy our lives more as adults? I tried every rational argument in the book but ultimately, I lost the love of my life over this issue. There were a huge amount of cons to having kids and as far as I could see, few pros (other than ephemeral emotional ones). Logic can't come into it, if you really feel you need children it's as unfair of you to demand someone who doesn't want them to assist you in your desires just as it's unfair of him to try to get you to not have children, it's your biological prerogative.
There is I'm afraid but one option; split up and do your best to find someone else who'll have kids with you and good luck to you, you'll need it. Parenthood is tough, many couples are driven apart by it. I'll stick to being childfree, alone or with someone else if I can find them. The screaming kids next door and their arguing parents are a big enough burden on my life!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): Speaking from experience here.I was with my boyfriend for two years, half way down that time I realised that he had no desire to marry or to have children. I was very confused, having come from a large family and from a community that values family more than anything else, I was distraught.I gave myself time, I tried to live with the idea that it was never about kids, it is about love! right? Well, not completely, because when a desire so powerful as that of being a mother is taken away, hope slowly fades. I kept telling him that he gave me love and lots of it, but took away hope. We could have really wonderful times and then something would trigger my desire (like the sound of a crying baby, or a mother pushing her baggy) then our wonderful moments would be ruined by my tears. Enough was enough. I googled the internet for sites just like this one, to help me make up my mind on leaving. Finally, two months ago, I left the man of my dreams. It was hard, it is depressing, but at least I have hope and that is a powerful thing. I am loveless, but I have hope for another love and hope for a family.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): I find myself in the situation that is almost identical to yours. The only difference is that I am with my husband for seven years. Just like you I have to make up my mind and I find it extremely difficult. I also do not know if I want to have children, on the other hand I am 30 and do not have much time to figure it out any more.So now, just like you I am struggling. Stay with the person I love more than anything else or leave.So I have been thinking and wrote down pro and cons of leaving my husband.Pro:1. I do not want to wake up in 20 with no options and hating my husband for not giving me kids.2. I do not want to get bitter and depressed which is a possibility if I realise I wanted to have children but this is not more possible.3. Perhaps now, I do not want to be a mother, but definately one day I want to be a grandmother (it sounds strange but somehow it helped).4. I do not want to put my husband in the position where he has to live with a women who blames him for not having children. Cons:1. I love him, I love him, I love him!2. Where will I ever find another man like him.3. There are people who have children and people who have not. One thing they have in common is: they all have regrets.4. I am terrified of starting all over.As you see there are 4 points in both areas. However, the only one that matters in n the last section is that I love my husband very much. And this is exactly what makes it so hard. Isn't it?I do not know whether my post helps you or not. I just want you to know that I know what you are feeling and that you are not alone.I wish you all the strength and support from your friends and family. You will need it.One last thing: What ever you decide, think about yourself. Not him, family or friends. It is important that you are happy with your decision (if not now then in the future). Because if you are not happy, people around you are miserable too. And how would you like to live in a relationship where both of you are miserable? Take care and be strong girlxxxFreya
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Hi there, I'm in the same situation. I think that if you are in a situation where your partner is a wonderful, compassionate, considerate person that makes you feel like the only woman for him, it's worth compromising. In my opinion, it's much harder to find someone you're compatible with in life than...literally speaking...reproducing. You could always adopt or fostering in the future when you're both ready for such a life-changing experience. Experiencing pregnancy and giving birth is most probably important for some people but I believe that nurturing a child that someone else has given birth to is just as satisfactory. Plus, you'd be giving an orphan the chance to a great life. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I am in the same situation as you are, except i am the one who wants to have a child and he does not. He already has two children. I am almost 40. I love this man dearly. he has asked me to marry him. I find it very unlikely that I will find someone like him again. And most definately not before it is too late. On the other hand, how can I avoid that the relationship gets poisoned? I understand some of his arguments to not wanting children again, and some of them I don't understand.
Perhaps you can explain to me how you feel about not wanting children, and I can explain to you what it feels like to long for one?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007): I know this thread is old, but I would *really like to know what happened in this situation. Did the writer leave the relationship or not? I am going through the same thing. I love this person. We've been together three years. Only I'M THE ONE who has all my life envisioned myself WITHOUT children. And he is the one who wants them. I'm deeply saddened at the thought of us having to end our relationship. This is probably the first time in my life (I am 30) that I have wished I felt differently. The desire to *not* have children has been with me as long as I can remember. This is an extremely difficult situation to deal with.
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female
reader, Anjel735 +, writes (7 December 2006):
You know what I feel for you. I am in a similar situation, only I just turned 29. I can't give you an answer, but I can tell you my situation and how I feel. I was in a previous relationship with someone for 7 years and we both wanted children, but as time went by I realized I did not want to have children with him. Now I am in a relationship that is about a year and a half, I love my partner and he loves me so much. I would like to have children with him. He has been the most compatible partner I have ever had, but his mind went from feeling children might be a good idea to I don't think so. It's been heartbreaking for me, but I'm still struggling with this development. Right now we are still living in the same house and now have separate bed rooms. It's just been a few days, but It seems to have cleared my head a little. I'm sure there many people out there that I could start a family with, but the real question is . . . will I want a family with them. I realized I can't die of not having children, so for now, I am creating some space between us to see a little better. It's really hard, but I've been through the beak up process before and I don't think I would like to do that again. That was devastating to me. I'm sorry If I haven't helped, but you are not alone.
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female
reader, Jadzia1127  +, writes (28 November 2006):
 Love and relationships are an investment of your time, talents, trust, and heart. Youth see love as something that gets dumped on you, but Love is something you work long and hard on. With all that investment it is hard to end a relationship but sometimes it is best.
Every person should have a list of the things they'll not compromise on in a life long relationship. DO NOT compromise on these or you WILL resent the other person and it'll slowly tear apart your relationship.
Sometimes it is better to walk away and find someone more compatible, because the poison of ruined hopes and dreams does destroy relationships.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 November 2006):
 You will end up resenting your partner not matter how much you love him. You may not believe it today but as the years go by and you see all your friends having lovely babies the resentment will slowwly grow. Parenthood isn't for everyone but it is a very natural desire (thank goodness)and for those who have the desire feel empty if they don't achieve it. You both owe each other the freedom to attain the goals in life that are important to each of you. Good luck.
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female
reader, jaynehaigh +, writes (28 November 2006):
Although I do agree with Shandypop - I have known someone in a similar situation, the difference been that she definitely knew that she wanted kids. They split up because she could not bear the thought of never having children. And although , like shandypop says you may never meet anyone else that you love as much as this man or somone tht you ant to have kids with or who wants to have kids with you - isn't it worth the risk?
If you stay with this man (unless he changes his mind) you are giving up the chance to have children.
Only you can decide though hun. I wish you all the luck in the world it must be so difficult making a decision like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): Are kids really the issue here? You are still young.
Shouldn't love conquer all. What if you two split up, you might never meet anyone who will give you kids and you go through life without them having ditched this perfect guy. You say you are very much in love with him so how can you even consider ditching him? I don't understand. You both come decide to have kids in five years time or you might not want them at all, but it has to be a mutual decision.
I hope you can work something out.
Take care
xx
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