A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a bit of a complicated situation.This is a really long story, fair warning...I suppose this all starts back at the beginning of this school year. I met this guy who we'll call T. T was quiet, had below average attendance, and generally sat at the back of the class brooding. The typical 'rebellious', interesting guy. I paid him little attention because I was dating someone at the time, a very long relationship, and tried my best not to ogle at him being completely gorgeous. We talked a few times, mostly about books and we coincidentally had the same favorite author. This caught me off guard because not a lot of people I know have read books from this author, so I was impressed and intrigued.Then he stopped showing up to class entirely. I forgot about him completely until a little while after that I got an add from him on facebook. Not thinking too far into it, I just accepted and went on my merry way.Around March he started liking my things on facebook... a lot. Nearly everything I posted, he liked. I know this seems silly, but hey it led to us talking.So, we started talking. We talked every hour of every day for a month. I didn't think I could ever get to know someone and trust them that quickly. Before I knew it, we were together and I was completely smitten.For nearly two months we've been together, and within those two months a lot of shit has happened.Here are the issues: 1.) There's an age difference between us of about three years. 2.) He lives an hour away and 3.) I think I just want to be friends... with benefits.Now, don't get me wrong here, I feel cheap for wanting this. I feel stupid for wanting this, but it's what I want. I feel like I have a lot going on right now and the pressure of a relationship is killing me, but I don't want to lose him...I fear that if we have this 'not dating, sort of dating' relationship someone is going to get hurt... probably me because I do love T so much. I love talking to him, being with him, just being around him.I just don't know what to think of friends with benefits situations... can they ever work? Especially considering we've been through a lot (a surprising amount considering the short time frame). I want it to work so badly, but I don't want to end up getting hurt... FYI T and I have discussed having this kind of agreement between us, and he's up for it. We both agreed though if either of us wants to just be strictly friends that anything physical will immediately stop. I think it could work... I don't know.Experience? Thoughts? Concerns? Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do have strong feelings for him. I love him, but I don't think I'm in the place to have a 'relationship' right now.
When we were 'together' we both were always so stressed, both having tendencies to get jealous often, worry too much over little things, etc...
Now that we've decided we aren't 'together' we're both just more easy going towards each other. We don't fight,we still talk as much as we used to, and we make each other happy.
In response to the 'legal issues' in the area I live in I am at the age of consent, so don't worry about that.
I really hope I don't regret doing this, but I think this is what T and I need right now.
I may end up regretting this, wishing I hadn't done it but I guess I'm just going to take that risk.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): I think you want him as a BF but you know that he is not BF material. So you are reasoning with yourself that you aren't really making the mistake of dating him as long as you call it something else.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 This is the reason why a FWB would not work for you "I do love T so much". You said it yourself, you love him, are smitten with him...etc.
Friends with benefits is by definition, JUST FRIENDS who have sex. You are not JUST FRIENDS with this guy, there are far deeper feelings here, therefore this relationship has gone too far to ever be just a FWB.
Sorry to bring in the whole age thing here, and presumably you are already having sex, but are you underage in your state? Are you not worried about the trouble T could get into for having sex with you? If the age of consent in your state is 18, and you are only 16/17 and he is 3 years older, this is statutory rape and he could get into huge amounts of trouble! So having a purely physical relationship is not a good idea at all, even just for legal reasons.
But back to the FWB idea - this is very fashionable for teenagers at the moment and I honestly think it is just a fad. The only time FWB works is if you have 2 friends, who are simply friends and nothing more, who dont want a relationship, but want sex. And then the relationship is based on purely sex and the friendship is not affected. It is basically just the next best option from having sex with a stranger - you just have sex with a friend because it is familiar and more safe than having sex with randoms.
It is clear in your situation that you have deep feelings for T, and you care about him very much but you dont want to be in a relationship right now because of the distance, his age etc. You are battling with yourself, trying to decide whether you should stay with the guy you love or just be single to avoid the pressure of making a relationship work.
If you love him and have strong feelings for him these are not just going to go away because you have become FWB, so you will still feel the exact same way as you do now but with the added pressure of trying not to show your feelings to him anymore because that is not what you do in a FWB.
We have a term here in the UK, dont know if you have it in the US, but it might be a better idea for you than a FWB. It is calle "seeing someone" - which is basically somewhere between dating and a full relationship. It means that you have been dating for a while but dont want to get as serious as you would in a full relationship. I think this might work better for you both in this case, you can just cool it off a bit, keep on seeing each other when you want and just enjoy each other's company without being officially 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. It is not just friends who have sex, because you are closer than friends and can still talk about your feelings/emotions, rather than in a FWB where you cannot talk about how you feel etc because that is not what friends do. So you still get the emotional connection that you get in a relationship, but without any comittment and too much seriousness.
I can tell you this now, FWB wont work for you because too much has happened and you care about him too much to ever just be 'friends'. Simply try cooling it off a bit, slowing things down and simply enjoy each other's company. What label you have on your relationship doesnt matter, all that matters is you're happy and comfortable with the way things are going. Too many people these days try to label everything or to define relationships, but labels like 'relationship', 'FWB', 'dating' etc are just words that dont really mean anything. Try and forget the labels, and if you want him in your life, then keep him in your life. It is as simple as that!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Philips +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Totally agree with spinnaker..
Everything that happens in your life forge you into who you are, consiously or inconsiously. This sort of relationship can really mess people up.. just search 'FWB problems' on this site and you'll get an insight. People normally already have issues before entering a relationship or FWB, and these unsolved issues create more and more problems afterwards.
Your issue is, and i quote: "because I do love T so much". Which means that your initial decision for FWB was triggered by lust. But what will happen when the lust will fade and your emotional needs will amplify?
So, you need to sort out your emotional issues first before getting into FWB.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (1 June 2011):
If you love this guy, you wouldn't want to have a FWB relationship with him. There is something more going on here, that you're either not consciously aware of, not just haven't shared.
The problem with FWB is that someone will get hurt. You say you have feelings for him. That coupled with the fact he is happy to have sex with you, with no relationship, is a spell for disaster because you're just going to end up wanting him more, and at the same time, he'll eventually find a girlfriend who he will ultimately choose to be with over you.
If I'm going to infer from your message, I would say, you love and want to be with this guy, but it is him that is making it difficult, and because you don't want to lose him, you're going to settle for a FWB relationship.
I think if you can't have him as a fully committed boyfriend, you need to be strong and move on from this guy.
You're only going to get hurt. Personally I think you're also considering a bad choice morally to have casual sex with him, and it could come back and bite you in the future.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (1 June 2011):
 This is what you want right now because there is a desire for this type of relationship right now.
In any relationship even the FWB variety there needs to be boundaries. And both people need to be on the same page regarding boundaries. If you only want FWB and he wants something more there is going to be problems.
Also there is no such thing in changing the relationship once it has already started. Just because changing a status on facebook is easy, it is vastly more difficult in life. Lovers do not become friends - there is always that tension that both people fight.
I do not wish to judge your situation but in my experience there is no such thing as sex without consequence in these scenarios. The more you use or are used for sex the more dull and confused you become toward sex.
I'm not your dad so I am not going to badger you about STDs, pregnancy and all that other stuff. I will warn you about the emotional toll unhealthy sex will take on your life. These things develop behavior patterns that will hurt a loving relationship you will have down the road.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Um, well, it's clear that you ALREADY HAVE emotional feelings for this guy, beyond just sex. This is a huge red flag even for those who started their FWB liaison with no emotions involved on either side, and yours is going to have them from the get-go. You say you love this guy, but what you're proposing is to take love out of the equation entirely, leaving only the sex. Do you really think you will be able to flip the switch on your feelings for him that easily? If so, it's not love, and it probably never was. I think the what the two of you do need is a complete "break," even if it's only temporary, to clear your minds, because I doubt becoming friends with sex is going to resolve any of the issues here.
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