A
female
age
41-50,
*neUnhappyLady
writes:Why cant he get dirtier in bed? I know I am not as fit as a porn star, but I love sex and the hotter and dirtier the better! I have always known what I wanted, but when we first got together I was too young and shy to articulate it. Ten years later, I have all these unfulfilled fantasies. I have told him, wrote him notes, and explicit letters about what I like, but each time he makes a move, he does what he wants to do to arouse me, not what I want. Sometimes I feel so resentful, I am disgusted by his touch. He has told me he does not feel comfortable doing what i like! I feel like I need to find someone who can give me the explicit sex I want...maybe without leaving? I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 September 2011):
Hello again. You might just have found the clue to all of this.
You have said just now, that he is under a lot of stress and he is a stressful personality.
Well, if there's anything that will kill the ability to gain and sustain an erection, it's stress - every single time. The reason for that is, he just can't relax enough to get into the mood! Surprise, surprise.
When you say - "he is under a lot of stress" - are you saying that he has a stressful job?
And if so, do you mean that his job is under threat? If that is the case, that would keep anyone on edge.
If his job is not in jeopardy, maybe his job is simply stressful and high pressure in it's nature. Deadlines to meet etc.
Or, when you are referring to stress in his life, are there other factors involved, family issues, money issues (his), debt (his). There are potentially so many factors that could cause a high level of stress.
And if there are other stress issues in his life generally, well then sex is just another one to add to the pile.
Do you see where I am going here?
It's like one stressor piled upon another, upon another and soforth.
By the fact you have mentioned the stress at all, seems significant to me, because it's possible that the issues he has with sex, might be a carryon effect of the already existing stressors in his life anyway.
He might have had anxieties towards sex in his earlier life, and on one odd occasion, he'd been out and had a couple of drinks, then found that when he tried to obtain an erection, it just didn't happen. And ever since then, if he does have problems, he remembers back to then. It's basically a fear of failure.
Then what happens, is history repeats itself.
Men if they are stressed about anything (not just about sex), or had some alcohol, or are very tired, or unwell, will often have problems trying to sustain an erection. It's not uncommon. However, the male ego the way it is, men will often identify with it as being less masculine, and a failure to perform.
The more you try to talk to him about it, the more he becomes focussed on the problem - that he feels (or at least fears) that, he won't be able to perform. Can you imagine the impact that must be having on him?
Because not only does he believe he is a failure, he believes that you do too! Even though you don't use those exact words to him, at some level that's what he thinks.
It only exacerbates the already existing problem in his mind. Simply by the fact that you talk about it all the time. It puts enormous emotional pressure on him to perform, like you wouldn't believe.
At times during his average day, it could be ALL that he thinks about!
And no doubt because of those self doubts, it almost certainly affects his entire life in some way. You can be fairly certain of that.
And you can be assured that it would definitely affect his performance on the job also.
This would make his job security pretty shakey, to say the least. Because this sexual performance issue, is going on in the background constantly at some level, even if he isn't consciously aware of it. It's there.
It's a kind of snowball effect.
It's all tied up with his self confidence. One area where he feels a failure - a HUGE area like sexual performance - is significant enough to make him feel like a virtual complete failure, as a man and as a human being.
That's pretty HUGE.
So how to deal with it?
Perhaps it's a case of the harder you try to fix the problem, the more elusive the solution becomes. Sometimes you can try too hard, and it becomes totally counterproductive. Going around in circles.
Perhaps you could put the emphasis more on relaxing, and not so much on the sex act itself. Perhaps kiss and touch each other, but steer clear of the genitals and concentrate only, on other physical feelings instead. In other words, keep expectation out of it completely. Don't even mention sex. Keep this activity out of the bedroom altogether. Like say in the living room.
The key is to keep it as natural as possible, not forced or contrived. Not too often either, or expectation (by him), will start to come back into it. Then that old anxiety, will raise it's head again.
So then, he won't think that you are expecting it to happen. It's takes the pressure right off. In fact, try to avoid it by just petting only, like when you were teenagers and it was your first experiences. You know what I mean, because it was all new to you then.
Don't avoid passionate embraces altogether, because that also is like pretending there is no problem. Reverse psychology. More stress.
When you go to bed, just sleep. Yes, you can lie on your sides and cuddle - both facing the same way. If something happens, good, if not - no big deal.
The point is that you don't want him (or you), to associate the bedroom with making love, so you are disassociating the bedroom with sex and "performance." So that eventually over time, his feelings will neutralize.
I believe it could help.
The main thing is - removing stress from his life.
Another good way to do this - remove stress - is to exercise. Maybe he could go for a walk for 30 minutes every day before work, if time allows. It's great for the mind, and is excellent in relieving stress, plus it helps you to sleep well at night.
Yes, relaxation is definitely the key here.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (16 September 2011):
You have communicated with him really well, and you are committed to him in spite of your dissatisfaction, which is great for you and your relationship, you guys sound like you have a solid enough foundation to be able to get through this to the other side, where a more satisfying sex life awaits you. However, communication is like the movie Inception, there is always communication within communication, and in your case, you have to go deeper!
As I mentioned, you have told him all of the things you want him to do, but what you don't know is why he isn't doing those things for you, why he isn't able to. You have partially confirmed this by letting us know that he finds it difficult to talk about, and can't even tell you what his preferences are.
So the conversation you need to have is not about what you want him to do, you have had that conversation. The conversation you need to have is to listen to him talk about why he finds it difficult to talk about this stuff, what prevents him from being able to talk about it. Understand though, as you start to go deeper into the communication, the communication becomes more emotional too and more confronting, more difficult to face, for him and possibly for you. The reasons he can't talk to you about this stuff and overcome his barriers in this area are likely to be related to the way he learned to cope emotionally in his formative years. As such, it takes a great deal of courage to overcome our early patterns of relating emotionally, which is why it is difficult to face and to talk about. This is something you can do as a couple, but it does help to go through this process with the help of a communications expert. In other words, a counsellor or sex therapist of some kind. I would say it is better to have some help to go through these subtle processes from someone who is trained in these processes, rather than try and go through it yourselves as two individuals who have little experience in this level of communication, but as I have said, it can be done.
If you are open to the idea of getting someone to help you with this, it is important given your circumstances to let your husband know that you aren't going to therapy because you want the relationship to end, you should let him know that you love him, and you just want someone to help you both to find a way through to the other side, to make things better. If you can approach it as a team, and not as a you versus him endeavour, I am sure you will be able to succeed. The same applies if you decide to do this on your own too.
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A
female
reader, OneUnhappyLady +, writes (15 September 2011):
OneUnhappyLady is verified as being by the original poster of the question I thank everyone who responded. The truth is I have communicated with him and listened to him and talked to him and watched movies with him, but it hasn't changed a thing about how I feel which is dissatisfied in general. He gets embarassed and uncomfortable when I am too aggressive when I try to lead by example. I really do love him, but the thought of Never fulfilling certain fantasies is killing me. He has a hard time talking about the things we do to me or with me. I can't help how I feel or what turns me on. I would do Anything for him but he can't even tell me wht his fancy is. He is under a lot of stress but he is a stressful personality anyway.To the female reader who understands my pain, I really thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Sit down and watch some porn with him? go get dirty sex elsewhere? ( as long as you don;t get inovolved emotionally). leave him, and go find a hot and dirty new lover? I know how you feel. I would hate to find myself in that situation. You have tried with him
all ways. It's not working. He's a prude, you are not. Time to go please yourself madam. :o) xx Good luck .x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): you need to listen more to your husband. you've told him what you want him to do. He's still not doing it. So you need to listen to him about why he's isn't doing it.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (14 September 2011):
 Just tell him this could be a deal breaker for you and it means a lot more than he thinks it does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with some guys. I don't believe that the problem here is a lack of communication - because you're really, really trying your hardest to tell him exactly what you want. I think the problem is a lack of LISTENING on his part... because he doesn't really want to hear.
It sounds to me like he has feelings of sexual inadequacy. I'm guessing that you've always had to pay attention to these - to flatter his ego, to give him oral sex at the beginning of lovemaking so that he can get hard, to keep to positions that he finds psychologically comfortable... and in the process, you've put aside your own needs to attend to his problems. Now that you're trying - quite rightly - to reassert yourself, he's not receptive. That's not right! But the tricky thing for you is addressing this in a way that allows you both to move on, rather than making the situation worse, because inadequacy is a difficult demon to exorcise.
My guess is that this goes back to his problems. If feelings of inadequacy ARE the problem, then he will likely see any experimentation as a bit threatening. His fears of going soft will manifest as a failure to perform. This is very frustrating for you - because it really isn't your problem! You can't sort it out - only he can address his insecurities. The problem is, it's VERY difficult for you to open up a dialogue about the issue if he's having erection fears- because you might just make the whole situation exponentially worse. It needs to be handled really carefully.
I recommend that you go on your own to see a sex therapist and ask for their advice about how you can handle this in a caring way. The chances are, they will suggest that you both come in and discuss it together. You need to make sure that you're both comfortable, because there's a real can of worms there, and it's important that your partner feels like the situation is being addressed in a loving and caring manner that opens channels of communication.
Alternatively, you could try him with Cialis. Sometimes the feeling of being absolutely rock hard works wonders with some men, and they can suddenly become way more adventurous as a result of not feeling anxious. But make him get it from a doctor - do NOT trust internet suppliers!
Good luck - it's not an easy one and I can completely understand your feelings of frustration and pain. It's doubly hard because you have to be the caring, loving one YET AGAIN when your needs aren't being met. It sucks being a girl!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (14 September 2011):
Hi there. Yes, I agree with the other poster, communication is so important in a relationship. Without it, there's a sense of something missing.
Perhaps the sex being lacking in quality for you, is a direct reflection of how well you communicate generally in the relationship.
Sometimes, it's not always about technique. If you are reaching orgasm during your lovemaking, well then he's doing something right.
Sometimes, what a person thinks of as being a bit boring, repetitious or monotonous, could simply be a reflection of your own personal life. Nothing to do with sex at all.
It can happen.
Very often, if you make the rest of your own individual lives more interesting and exciting, it makes you more interested and more interesting as well.
It's a case of adding variety to your life - outside of the bedroom. Hobbies and interests, seeing your own friends. Following your dreams.
And regards making love itself, you could always do something completely different by going for a picnic somewhere pretty, and you could go for a walk after and have sex in the bush. It's very exhilarating! You just have to be careful that you have your privacy, of course.
Or what about sex in the car somewhere at night, after you've been out together.
Honestly, the possibilities are endless. The only limit is your own imagination.
It doesn't only have to be about fantasies. You are limiting yourselves, when you do that. Sex can be varied simply by a change of location.
Don't even consider having an affair. You would definitely regret that, and someone would end up getting hurt. So don't even go there with your mind.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (14 September 2011):
You have written two posts, and they both need the same thing, communication.
You guys are not emotionally on the same page, and until you are, your sex isn't going to be on the same page.
You have told him all of the things you want him to do, that part of the communication is fine. What you don't know is why he isn't doing those things for you. What is holding him back. Do you know if he is also unhappy with the way things are in your relationship? Do you want to make things better, and do you know if he wants to make things better too?
Try letting him know that you want things to be better, and you want to start working together on things so that you can have the kind of relationship both of you want.
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