A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I been with my boyfriend for about 4 years and we have had are share of problems but we are very deep in love. He is 16 years older than me and he doesnt want anymore kids. He has three kids of his own. I want kids so bad and I wont give that up just to be with him because i really want kids. I love him so much and I know i cant give that up.. So i have wasted 4 years and I am so scared to let him go and I dont know if I can.. what should I do. he said he dont want any more kids because of his age he says that he is too old and It would'nt be right to the kid..
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female
reader, azalea  +, writes (27 March 2009):
Hi Im 45, i got married age 37 to a man 30 years older than me. He was very manipulative and i was under a lot of stress and had selfesteem issues otherwise i wouldnt have married him. I told him there would be huge problems due to the age difference and tried to end the relationship, I also told him i would probably need IVF to concieve a child which i desparately wanted. He threatened suicide and told me he would do whatever it took to concieve a child, he already had 4 grown children.
Unfortunately he lied and it took me till i was 42 to be considered for IVF because he refused to have a sperm test. The constant stress of trying to get him to do something he clearly didnt want to do was enormous. And with every year my hopes of a child diminished. I finally left him, but am in another relationship which is very casual with another older man age 60. He is not keen to have a baby and i am too old to concieve naturally so am now planning to travel abroad to have donor egg & sperm IVF. I am also planning to end this friendship and find a man of my own age who is at least supportive of my plans. It is going to be an enormous challenge to concieve and look after a child at my age, as much because of peoples attitudes as anything else.
I would say to you, leave now, find someone who wants what you want while you are young enough. It will hurt for a while but there are other men in the world and hopefully a whole new and more positive life out there for you which includes having children. Be strong........
A
female
reader, sair  +, writes (1 September 2008):
Hi, I am in the same situation. My boyfriend is 11 years older then me and has 2 children from a previous marriage. He was unsure if he wanted anymore, but told me yesterday he didn't want anymore.
I love the guy so much and I'm undecided on what to do as well.
My head is telling me to get out of there and my heart is staying stay.
I keep on thinking I could probably go with out having the hassles of children, but when I'm old and grey . I would like to children to look after me and grandchildren to love.
I have also read on other sites, if you stay with the man and work with children may help.
I will tell you know. My profession is a preschool teacher and nanny, and it only makes it harder.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): I know how you feel. I was in the same situation with the same choices. I chose to stay and not have children because I thought I loved him enough to give up on having children. Now I'm a few years older. I feel destroyed. Everyone assumes I never wanted any. I don't feel like a woman. Most women I know have children. I feel out of the gang, something like a trophy wife, a sort of useless thing. But most of all I feel alone on a daily basis and my future feels empty. I resent my partner.
Leave and don't end up like me.
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Ok I will be slated for this I am sure.. I had a child with my husband and he was planned however as soon as he was born hubby couldn't cope with the responsibility of young junior and started to stray.. I decided that I didnt want Junior to be an only child so out of my own choice and knowing that hubby couldn't say no to a bit of nookie I planned and fell pregnant.. the upshot of it was hubby left me and now lives overseas so doesn't pay maintenance, I work part-time and although it is hard it is a pleasure.. I love my kids and we are but three!! As far as I can fathom in this life if it is meant to be it is meant to be.. the last time I slept with hubby I conceived my second child !!
Anyway life is too short, follow your heart and if you do plan on having a baby against his wishes then also make sure you could do it alone .. married people have children and all I can say is that there are no guarantees with anything.. so do what is right in your heart speak some more and go from there.. good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Plainly, you and he are at different life stages, so therefore your values are not matching up, in this area and this baby 'issue' is huge. There is no easy answer here. You of course, have every right to want children in your future. When it comes to having kids, there is no room for compromise on this one. You both have to want that. I can’t give you the words to make him come around to your point of view and really, do you want to force a man to become a Father who doesn't want to be? No, that will just create anger and resentment down the road. Children need to come into this world when they are wanted by both Mom and Dad, and both parents love each other, endlessly. They should come from joy, happiness and a solid, good unity. When they come into the world and one partner feels resentment, conflict-- it is a sad, grave injustice to everyone.
Try one last time. Communicate to him from your heart and express, what having children means to you and that you want to share that joy with him. This could be well be negotiated if his position on 'no kids' is not held too strongly and it sounds like it here. People can and do change their minds . If his position stays 'strong and stubborn' and he wants no more kids, then this could prove to be a relationship breaker for you both. Good luck dear and I hope he see your point of view.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 If you are leaving him , there is no sure guarantee that you will find a man that you like or to have a child by him.
He could be impotent or he does not want children. So where does that leave you?
That is the risk you have to consider.
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A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (24 January 2008):
 Miss Anon, you have LOTS of time to find the right man and have children with him. I had my first child at age 37 and my second at 39. I waited until I found a man who shared my joy in the idea of having children, then had them on purpose with him.
I have to tell you, even with his committed help (he's a stay-at-home Dad) and even though I'm enjoying being a mom it is REALLY HARD WORK to raise kids. OMG is this tough! I have great kids (age 4 and 2) and a great husband. And I'm enjoying every minute of it. BUT there is no way I would want to do this alone.
I was with someone else at your age, and if I had gone ahead and gotten pregnant he and I would have divorced and then had to do it on my own. I am so very glad I waited.
There's no compromising on having children. You either have them or you don't. He already had his. He knows what he'd be in for, and he knows he doesn't want to do it. BELIEVE HIM. You need to decide whether you can be happy without children if you're with him, because he is NEVER going to change his mind.
If you REALLY want children, your only choice is to leave him. I know that's hard, but it really is your best choice. You have a lot more time than you think to find the man who will enjoy this journey WITH you. He's out there, believe me.
Take care hon.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (24 January 2008):
How do you know she will end up like that? Are you a soothsayer or crystalball reader? Can you see into the future?Are you God?
Hey! Is one kid so tough to bring up? Women of today are working and don't need a man to feed them or house them.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 January 2008):
If a man wants to divorce, it is not whether you had kids without his consent. It could be many other factors.
Who decides to have kids in the family? The man may have a say but it is the woman who will have the final say. If she wants to have kids, she will just go ahead and take the risk.
If given a choice, who would you want , your own kid or husband?
If you are going to calculate how much you would need to raise a kid,then you will never have kids.Does this mean that only the rich can have kids?
What is the meaning of life if you are a woman and cannot have kids . Will you be fulfilled as a woman?
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (22 January 2008):
 I have friends who have have parents in their fifties. He's just using age as an excuse because he's too lazy to have more kids. Tell him how serious this need is and then if he really doesn't want any, break up and go have kids. Women have a limited time to have babies and a limited number of eggs. Men can have kids as long as they can get hard or even longer than that.
If your desire to have babies overshadows your love for him, don't be afraid to let go. You'll find a good man to have kids with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): Some wise stuff in the other answers, but it does boil down to Children or Partner (and No Children)? Imagine how will you feel in 20 years' time? i.e. will you feel regretful that you didn't have children OR quite satisfied with a partner who, for all his lovingness, isn't recognising your needs. It's a very difficult dilemma, but whatever you do, don't do anything unilaterally (e.g. get pregnant 'accidentally') - that will only make him resentful. You have time on your side to make a new start, find someone who wants kids, but you also need to think how much love do you both have for each other, how 'special' are you as a couple?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 If the most he can he can be is 41, that's not TOO old to have kids. He would be about 60 when they were in University, so you will probably have to have a career too and plan for picking up some of the future financial responsibilities of having them still in school when he will be retired.
What he is telling you is that he doesn't Want to raise another family. He probably still has the financial responsibility for his first children as well, and is still worrying about them getting their footing in life. He was probably looking forward to enjoying life again, unencumbered with yet More responsibilities. If you know this and still want to have a family, he might not be the guy for you. If you think that the relationship has been a waste of your time because he doesn't want to have a family with you, perhaps it's time to move on before you have wasted Five years.
You are SO young! Would you be this concerned and anxious to start a family with a guy your own age? Or would you just be out, having fun with your friends, and putting off concerns for starting family until your thirties? Perhaps your desire for kids has come to the forefront because of the gap in your ages And the fact that time is an issue for him. Is his age determining what You are doing with Your life? I would sit down and think about all of the things that you had planned on doing YOURSELF first. Had you always planned on becoming a mother before the age of thirty? Is this right for You? Just a few thoughts that crossed my mind when I read your question. Perhaps they touched on issues that were of help to you. Good luck with your decision!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (21 January 2008):
 I am the mother of two children, and I love them both dearly. BUT... had I known how hard it is to bring them up on my own, I dont think I would have bothered, having any.
I know its easy to say, when you have them already, but its not the end of the world if you cant. Its how important this man is to you, that counts.
If you really cant see the future without having children. Then you have to leave him, thats for sure. But isn't love more important. Dont try to force him into a corner and get pregnant without his knowledge. I'm sure your not that silly, and it will only end in tear's.
XX
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A
female
reader, xapathyxrebornx +, writes (21 January 2008):
 I agree with babyduck
i suggest you leave this man if you really want kids, you shouldn't change his mind for him.
peoriaman also gave good advice on how he would feel having a child in late age
i suggest you get out into the world anf find a man your own age and live your life.
message me if you want to talk x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 January 2008):
The only way you want to have your own kids is just to let it happen and hope that he will change his mind when he sees the baby.
Some men will change because they could not see their own selfishness. You could tell him that you will support your own kid even if you have to do two jobs and you will have to take the risk .
Just do it if you feel strongly for your own baby.We don't live forever and how long we live ,only God knows.You want to have something from him when he is no more with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): i can feel for you both. On you part, you are young, havent had kids and want them so bad. On his part, he has three, is 16 years older than you and doesnt want to be an older dad. If you love him you may have to decide to go through life without having kids of your own and maybe spend more time with his around. How old are they? I know this isnt the answer that you want to hear, but if he decides that he doesnt want them, then there isnt much you can do. If you trick him and get pregnant you could face the rest of your days being a single mum bringing the kid up on your own. It is a bitter cycle which there is no easy solution. Or do you end the situation now for someone who does want to have kids with you? A tough decision and a one that is solely up to you to make. Keep in touch and let me know how things go.
take care
xx
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