A
female
age
36-40,
*oredandsad
writes:I have been with my fiance for over 3 years but lately I just feel like I want a new realationship but I don't want to leave him. I love him and have a 1 year old daughter with him I just miss the passion and intensity of a new relationship and wondering if they like you back. I feel like I'm getting old and am sad I will never have that again. I cheated on him in the past and he knows and it almost broke us up and I couldn't even bare it so I know I don't want to do that or ever leave him. But I have been dreaming of other men and I feel like I'm a bad person for feeling like this. Please help me!!!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 July 2012):
Hi. Having regular sex is good for you, and is also an excellent form of stress relief, apart from the fun side of things.
I still think that you ought to say to him that you DO NOT wish to have another baby, when he is so reluctant to give you a helping hand with this child, and especially when it is just you bringing up your daughter on your own.
And he needs to know just how much more difficult it would be with another child to also take care of - without his help.
He must be told how much work this is to bring up your child by yourself, as it seems he hasn't a clue how big a job it really is.
You also need to explain to him how tiring it is for you having no time to yourself whatsoever, each day.
It really seems, that he is taking none of his responsibility as a father very seriously, at all!
He's hardly there, is he?
And you do need some free time to have a life outside of work and being a mother.
At the moment, that is impossible!
And unless you do this - tell him - he is just going to assume that you are handling everything alright on your own, without his help.
And so, he will do nothing to give you some help.
Using the poor excuse, that it's a woman's job to do all that.
Is it at all possible, that he could get another job for which he can leave later in the morning?
Meaning that he would be leaving home, once both you and your daugher are out of bed - so he can spend some time with you both.
So what I am really saying here, is if it's possible for him to change the hours that he works.
Because at the moment, he is leaving home in the dark and getting back home in the dark.
Because as you said here, that you're in bed when he leaves in the morning, and in bed when he gets home!
So what kind of family life is that!
The main point really is, just one day together - Sunday - really isn't enough to be classified as a family.
No matter how good a time you all have together, still 1 day out of 7, isn't very satisfactory.
And to say the very least, it must be very lonely for you as well.
There simply has to be another way to sort this all out, surely.
And I feel it's a case of whether he is willing to make an serious attempt to change his working hours, so that he DOES see you and your daughter both before and after work, every single day.
And if he is NOT willing to make a change, well then he isn't thinking of anyone else but himself.
You are all either a family - or you are not.
It's that simple.
A
female
reader, Boredandsad +, writes (8 July 2012):
Boredandsad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe used to work out of town but quit when the baby was born but now its like the same cause he leave before we wake up and comes home after we are asleep. He will stay after work and drink beer with the guys and work on his truck. He is never home before atleast 8pm and leaves by 530am. And sometimes on sundays he goes back just to work on his truck. I know he loves our daughter but he just want to play with her sometimes and that's it he says the rest is my job I'm the woman. I am the director of a daycare so I can take her with me so I always have her even to go to the store. When she actually sees him she freaks out cause she gets so excited. But I must say that having more sex these last few days since I posted the question has already made me feel better .
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 July 2012):
Hi. You are saying that he works 6 days a week - and then home only on Sundays.
So are you also saying, that he works out of town on the other 6 days - then he comes home to stay on Sundays?
I just want to be clear on what is really happening here.
And I say this because you have said you are with your child 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.
So when you say that, it sounds like you and your baby are the only ones there from Monday to Saturday - and he sleeps away at his job (out of town) - on those 6 days.
Is that right?
I just want to get a very clear picture here.
As he says he doesn't know what to do with a baby, well then perhaps you could ask him, to do small tasks to start with.
Things like feeding her, or putting her to bed for one of her naps.
And if he doesn't mind doing those 2 things, you could then ask him to change her nappies sometimes.
And you just teach him what needs to happen - wiping her bottom, how to dispose of the used nappies properly, and where the new nappies are kept etc.
If you start out small, then he is at least having some hands on experience.
If you do not get him involved, he is never going to build that special bond that fathers should have with their children.
And he is missing out on a lot.
And especially, as this child is HIS!
As he is not involved with the upbringing of your daughter, it seems time now, that he starts.
Your daughter does need her father just as much as she needs her mother.
So perhaps you could encourage him to get more involved in taking care of his daughter, by asking him to do little things for her like feeding her and putting her to bed for her naps.
They are easy things to start with, and it will get him started in being a true father to his daughter.
It seems like it is WAY overdue!
This really should have begun as soon as you brought your baby daughter home from the hospital - one year ago.
It's never too late though.
The more you get him personally involved in the looking after your daughter's needs, the closer it will bring you and him together also, as a natural consequence of that.
As he is NOT involved in the looking after your daughter at the moment, it's not a wise idea for you to even consider getting pregnant again, with baby No. 2!
Because then, you would be looking after 2 babies for 24 hours a day 7 days a week!
surely you DON'T want to go there?
You also need to tell him this - and why, precisely!
It's a big enough job to bring up a child anyway with two parents, let alone you doing it ALL on your own.
And it's no wonder you don't feel like making love very often.
The reason being, that you NEVER get a break from it, do you?
You must be absolutely exhausted!
You really need to tell him this also, because he seems to be oblivious to the fact.
My advice is to ENLIGHTEN him - and soon!
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A
female
reader, Boredandsad +, writes (7 July 2012):
Boredandsad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe problem with some of the advice you are giving is that I do all the parenting I am with her 24 hours a day 7 days a week I even take her to work with me. He is only home on sundays and doesn't take care of her he just says he doesn't know what to do with her or what she needs. She goes to bed early so we have alone time and even though the sex is amazing I never feel like I'm I'm in the mood. I feel forced to do it once a week atleast which is not nearly enough to satisfy him. He wants it every day like when we first met. And I wish I wanted it like thattoo. No we don't have plans for a wedding I have pushed it back because I. Am not ready to plan it but he wants it have now but I'm not ready. He also is trying to get to have another child already.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (7 July 2012):
It sounds like you’ve slipped in to a familiar pattern of taking each other for granted, it is a pattern that tends to creep up on couples without them realising it. You do need to firstly accept that, unless you do leave him, you won’t get that thrill of the chase in a new relationship. That’s something that you’ll have to either find with another man, or keep as a fond, treasured memory. However, you could talk to your man about keeping the passion alive in your relationship. Maybe you need to bring a bit of excitement and spontaneity in to the relationship. You should talk to him about this, and agree that every so often, you’ll do something special and out of the ordinary together: watch a film, go for dinner, go on a holiday, or just go on a day trip. Make it a family-friendly one, if you will be bringing the baby too,. Do something that would interest you both. You could also try being romantic on a more regular basis: pay him compliments even if he’s heard them before, and he should do the same. Explain to him that you love him, and that you want each other to remind yourselves of how special you are to each other, and how much you have together. So, the take-away message is that if you want to stay with this man, forget about the thrill of the chase, and find new thrills together.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Sounds like your relationship has gone stagnant. How long have you been engaged, has a wedding date been set? Sometimes just moving into a new phase of the relationship can bring back that "new" feeling.
In a new relationship, you're attentive, you're doing and saying special little tings in an effort to win each others hearts. After the honeymoon phase of a relationship is over, and couples become comfortable with one another, they stop courting each other, and those little things that keep a relationship fresh, get neglected.
Before my husband and I got married, we read an article about a couple,. who years after they were married, were still trying to win each others hearts. It kept their relationship fresh and romantic. We decided that we were going to do that, and seven years later, people still think we're newlyweds.
We go on dates, we leave each other love notes, he brings me little surprise gifts for no reason, we call each other in the middle of the day just to say "I love you". It really works!
Try courting your fiancé again. Do all those little things you did when the relationship was new. Most likely he will follow your lead, and start doing the same.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 July 2012):
Hi there. All relationships DON'T stay in the honeymoon stage forever, it doesn't matter who you are with.
The honeymoon stage usually lasts for perhaps up to 18 months or 2 years or possibly 3 years, however that's about the limit.
The newness simply evolves as you get to know each other more.
And once children come on the scene, well then it changes yet again.
You then go from being a couple - to being parents.
So what happens then, is there are different priorities.
The needs of children usually seem to take over, and so the couple get lower down on the list of priorities.
Unintentionally of course.
Children are a 24 hour responsibility, as you are no doubt aware.
It can almost seem like it's just about the children and their needs, as everything else can seem to go onto the backburner for quite some time.
And that can cause the parents to become less emotionally close, and to feel like they don't matter to each other anymore.
And if you DO NOT make time for just the two of you on a regular basis, it's possible to become complete strangers.
Feeling like you are 2 boarders.
It has happened sometimes, where as soon as a baby is born, the woman can focus all her attention on the baby, and just forget her husband exists!
Or at least to him, it can feel that way.
I'm not saying that is you.
It could simply be that you and him need to MAKE time for each other a bit more regularly, that's all.
A one year old, can be a handful to look after, as they still require a lot of chasing around and making sure they are not getting into stuff they shouldn't be getting into.
So there's a challenge to start with. And it takes up a lot of your time too!
Another thing to consider, is to make sure that he is as "Hands On" as much as you are, so there is also some good quality family time.
So that gets you staying close, just by his involvement in looking after your baby.
He then builds a bond with the 1 year old, as well as reinforcing his bond with you.
The main thing is you need to be together and doing fun stuff as often as possible.
What about going for long leisurely walks together - the 3 of you - with the child in a stroller?
Then as you walk, you can talk, and get to know each other all over again, and build the relationship back up to where it was before your child was born.
Believe me, all is NOT lost.
Far from it.
You CAN feel the same way about each other again, the way you previously did.
It is going to take some effort - by both of you - although it will be well worth it, I promise you.
Running away to find someone new is NOT the answer at all.
And I say that, because all relationships will pass the honeymoon stage of about 2 years.
So if you DID take that path of always wanting it to feel new and exciting, you would never reach the point of feeling truly connected to someone - which only comes with time.
I am speaking about emotional intimacy, which even fantastic sex doesn't come anywhere near, and a very poor second - at best.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 I think what you need is to add some more passion in to your relationship, my guess is that things have settled down as they do once most people get past the first phase of the relationship, you are both settled down now with a child and I think the commitment scares you. You know you love him and you want to be with him, therefore I think you just need to work on the relationship and make more time for the both of you. Add more passion in to your sex life, try out new things, dress up for him and add more spark in to things. Maybe book a dirty weekend away if you can get a babysitter.
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