A
female
age
36-40,
*hristinaMaeMurphy
writes:I'm 25 yrs old, 5ft 5, 124 lbs.... I am an attractive female, long burgundy hair, and I love sex... It is my absolute favorite thing on this earth. My husband is 5ft 10, brown hair, and about 20 lbs overweight. And he isn't a verry big fan of having sex with me. I am alot of fun, in my own opinion, I love dressing up, role-playing, anal, oral, anything that has to do with being intimate with my husband, I absolutely love! I will literally do anything in the bedroom with him, for him, to him. He has recently told me that he thinks my sex drive is pathetic, he thinks the fact that I will literally wake up at 3 a.m. to be intimate with him is sad. What in the hell is going on here?!?! I used to, very seriously, beg him for sex. I stopped doing that a long time ago because it made me feel horrible to have to beg my own husband to sleep with me. I used to be very promiscuous, various partners within a month... I am now a one man kind of woman. But I can't help but think about sleeping with other men on a constant basis because I'm not getting what I need from my own man. I love my husband, dearly. But after he told me he thinks my high sex drive is pathetic, I've barely said 10 words to him. I masturbate often, meaning daily... And when I do, I can't even think about my husband without losing my desire to have an orgasm because I am so upset about him not wanting me... I think about other men, women, porn, previous lovers, and pretty much anything else besides my husband. I love sex with my man, love it more than life itself. I want to be on top of him as much as humanly possible. He turns me on more than I've ever been turned on, the thing is, he never even tries to turn me on anymore... He knows my sex drive, so it's like he feels like he doesn't even have to do anything anymore. He literally says "Wanna f*** me?"... oh my God! This man has never made love to me, never gives me oral anymore, and almost never touches my body!! I have a good body, had a boob job last year, and I keep myself in good shape. I find myself constantly staring at other men and women, and letting my imagination run away with me. I haven't acted on anything, nor do I intend to... All I want is to have his attention again, I want him to want me. Am I pathetic? Is my desire to have my man touch me, and my desire to touch him, sad? What can I do? Why does he think my desire for intimacy with him is sad?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 July 2012):
Hi. I guess you are at least lucky that it didn't give you an aversion to sex altogether, after all that happened to you as a child.
Perhaps you are afaid that you are not loved enough as a person for who you are, and as a consequence of that, you are always trying to prove yourself worthy, to your husband.
It's also possible, that you associate sex - because of your childhood history - as it being a way of showing that someone loves you. And that unless you have sex (with your husband all the time), that you feel somewhat dejected and so feel the extreme need for it more frequently than usual.
I honestly believe, that it's more of a psychological need than a physical need.
Even though it feels like it's a physical need.
People show their love for each other in many ways.
Some of those ways are:-
(1) Quality time together - talking together and laughing and just enjoying each other's company.
(2) Doing nice things for each other without being asked to - such as keeping the house clean and tidy, cooking a lovely meal, washing the other's car for them, washing up the dishes after a meal, and lots of little things.
(3) Buying gifts, unexpectedly - and it's not their birthday.
(4) Saying those 3 little words - "I Love You".
(5) Pulling the other to you - just to give them a big hug.
(6) Treating each other with dignity and respect at all times.
(7) When making love, him making sure that you are satisfied.
(8) Him caring about how you feel, generally - whether you seem happy or sad. And asking you, if he sees that you don't seem like usual yourself.
To be raped or molested are both forms of physical abuse, and your father could have been arrested for that and gone to jail.
Perhaps for you, you have become obsessed with sex now, and see that as your only way of showing your love for your husband.
Sometimes with obsessions of any kind, it can be helpful to put more into your life.
Add variety - non sexual.
So that sex isn't the only thing that you find is fun.
What I mean by that, is that maybe you could start some hobbies - like creative activities - so that you have other things to look forward to, instead of sex being the one and only fun thing.
It's certainly worth considering.
In a way, how you feel about sex is probably not just an obsession, but an addiction.
There is such a thing as being a sex addict, so it's not so unusual as you might think.
And as you are a bit concerned about it, a family GP is not the real answer to this problem.
It's more of a psychological condition.
So seeing either a psychologist or a psychiatrist would almost certainly be able to help you more with this.
A
female
reader, ChristinaMaeMurphy +, writes (9 July 2012):
ChristinaMaeMurphy is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've seen therapists since I was 12 about my sex "problem"... I was raped by my father repeatedly before I hit the age of 8, and was molested by my step brother... I'm fully aware of my problems with sex and all that entails.
I talked to my husband AGAIN about this... we discussed many things that I won't go into here, for it could take a while longer than y'all might like.
He made love to me for the first time EVER that night... and the past few days have been incredible in and out the bed room.
Thank you all so much for your input... I appreciate it so so much. Love to you all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): It sounds as if your husband is losing respect for you. This is dangerous. You cannot hope to have a fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. But, and please don't take this the wrong way, it doesn't sound like you are offering him a whole lot of respect either. He's fast asleep and you wake him up in the middle of the night because of your own desires? Honey, that's not sexy, that's obnoxious. You are treating him like your own personal live "dildo". I can see how that would be a turn off. He's a human being. You use the word "intimacy" but that word has such a deeper meaning than "dressing up, oral, f**cking..." it means being emotionally close. Intellectually close. It means seeing the other person (their mind, their heart, their soul) and allowing yourself to be seen in a way thats completely different from taking off your clothes. You are talking here about your husband not meeting your needs, but also you may not be meeting his "needs" either. In the dynamics of relationships, there are some basic primal things men need and want from a woman. They need to be challenged. They need to see you as high value and they need to pass tests to "win" you. If you are always bouncing on top of him legs open, you are not a valued prize, you're a Wal-Mart shoe sale -- buy one get 10 free. There's no challenge, no test for him to pass, there nothing for him to "win". And THAT is just about the fastest way to make a man lose interest in you. Another thing that is needed for a healthy committed relationship to thrive is maturity and good boundaries. Boundaries are about respecting the others "space". About saying and hearing no gracefully. He needs you to be a grown woman with her own goals, with the emotional maturity to get her own needs met. And honestly if you are so obsessed with sex to the point it's your favorite thing in the world and all you think about, it sounds to me you have some issues to work through there. There's more to life than orgasms, and more to your own self esteem than just being desired as a "sex goddess". Neediness is not sexy. Begging is not sexy. Sex appeal is less about figure, what you look like and are willing to do and way more about attitude, charisma and confidence. You need to stop what you are doing and take a big huge step back. Find a good therapist and get to the bottom of what this overactive sex drive is really about. I don't mean to come across as harsh or unsympathetic, my heart truly goes out to you. You need to find yourself as a whole woman. There is so much more to you, darling. Both you and your husband deserve more. I hope you figure this out in yourself so you can find a way to get close to whole self and get genuinely close to your husband in a mature equal and loving way.
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A
female
reader, ChristinaMaeMurphy +, writes (7 July 2012):
ChristinaMaeMurphy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so so much for responding to my question... He knows all to well how I feel about this, this isn't our first rodeo with this problem... It's been on going for almost 2 years. I've talked and talked to him about it until my gums bled. Our relationship outside the bedroom has been rocky lately, I come from a southern family... We value loyalty, manners, respect. My husband and I have both been honorably discharged from the service recently, and have moved to his home city. He allows his family to constantly and persistentley disrespect me, verbally insult and threaten me. He stands there and does absolutely nothing about it. This has created so many problems for me, I feel like he is a coward, He won't stand up for his own. That's an issue.I hardly ever initiate the sex anymore, because when I do... He turns me down, saying he's not in the mood or he just completely ignores me all together. There is no emotional closeness between us. Never has been, I've never been the type to value emotional closeness, and neither is he. You might be right about the balance... He might feel that he's just my sexual release and nothing else. He used to be ALOT of fun, we would "play" often, meaning every day... Now, when we do have sex... It's pump, pump, pump, done, roll off, go on about his espn. And I don't want a lower sex drive, I love my drive, I happen to think it's a great and almost non-existent quality in women. I love sex, I love my husband, and I have to figure out a way to keep both. What if I have an affair? just for sex... No dating or emotional attatchment, just sex. I know it's not the ideal thing to do, but I have to do something here. And I won't give up my husband or my desire for sex!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (7 July 2012):
 Well I think it sounds like a problem relationship. There must be something else going on in his life. A marriage, though I have had one very successful one and a couple of dumb ones, should be a partnership with passion and extreme friendship. It should be the best of friendships.
Advisors here, including me, are in no position to solve this problem for you, but I agree that lots of discussion should take place. It is my hope that no children are involved, because the marriage may be in some degree of peril. At your age, it would be a good idea to ensure that your future can be a happy one.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 July 2012):
Hi there. Any problems in the bedroom, often start outside of the bedroom.
Perhaps not only does he not give you the attention you desire in the bedroom, he might also not be emotionally close to you outside the bedroom either.
You haven't really said here, what your relationship is like on a general everyday basis, so I am wondering if the only closeness you both share, is in the bedroom.
So what I am really asking you is, how do you both get along with each other - outside the bedroom?
Do you find, that the only time you feel CLOSE to each other, is when you have sex?
And only feeling close, because your two bodies are close?
There is a HUGE difference between physical closeness and emotional closeness.
It really does sound like you are trying too hard to gain that precious emotional closeness.
And unfortunately, emotional closeness does NOT come from physical closeness alone.
To a point, emotional closeness can be partly gained from sex, however, it's a very small part of the big picture.
The major part of emotional closeness - or feeling connected - is gained from the true sharing of your innermost feelings and thoughts, with that other significant person on an everyday basis.
It also means being genuinely interested in everything to do with that person's life.
For instance:-
(1) Knowing what they are interested in.
(2) Being interested in what they did today.
(3) Interested in their hobbies.
(4) Their work.
(5) Their family.
(6) Their friends.
(7) Their likes and dislikes.
(8) Really listening intently to them - without interrupting - when they speak.
(9) Giving them your full undivided attention - and that REALLY means a lot.
It seems that you are trying to gain that emotional closeness through sex alone, by being adventurous, and wanting to have sex as often as possible, in your search for that special feeling of emotional closeness - that you really crave.
Unfortunately, it seems to be having the opposite effect of what you want.
The more you want sex with your husband, the more it pushes him away from you.
He could be seeing that as aggressiveness, and controlling as well.
And he might also, be feeling like his whole life with you revolves ONLY around sex, and very little else!
And so there is a lack of balance for him, which he isn't very happy about.
You see, if it's ALWAYS you initiating sex, well that takes any control in the relationship away from him, making him lose a sense of his own masculinity.
He feels he has no say in the relationship at all.
And this could also extend over into all other parts of your relationship as well.
Yes, you probably DO have a high sex drive, however, a great part of that sex drive, could be entirely driven by your great desire to feel emotionally CLOSE to him - which at the moment you might feel is lacking.
And the driving force to feel close to someone, is VERY powerful indeed.
You have said that he doesn't really make the effort to "make love" to you, so you probably feel the need to pick up the slack, to FORCE it to happen.
Hoping it will happen soon.
Unfortunately, it ISN'T working out that way, is it?
The more you do, the less he needs to try.
So he has become lazy.
It has got to a point for him, where he sees no need to do anything.
You are making enough effort for both of you put together!
Maybe what needs to happen now, is that you don't ask him for sex all the time - and instead let him approach you!
That way, he feels like a man again and will want to start acting like a man.
Men usually are the hunters, which means that they pursue their women - NOT the other way around.
The way things are now, you are the hunter, and so are taking the masculine role- instead of the feminine role.
There is a BIG difference between the two.
You have TOTAL control, whereas he has NONE.
And my guess is, that he isn't happy about it.
And this behaviour of his in the bedroom, is exactly how it manifests itself.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 No you are not sad nor are you pathetic, you just have a higher sex drive than your husband does. You really need to sit down with him and tell him exactly how he has made you feel and give him a chance to explain how he feels as well. If you are feeling neglected then this marriage will not work if you are not satisfied. It sounds to me like he has gotten lazy when it comes to being intimate and he feels he does not need to make an effort any more that you will just role over for him. You need to explain to him how his lack of intimacy makes you feel. You need to tell him he needs to make more of an effort to turn you on or else things will just not work out. Romance needs to be brought back in to the relationship.
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